really enjoyed sally's blog, and her comment on contentment...
yep, still in the process of learning the secret Paul talked about.
starting from mid-March been trying to deal with a very very difficult issue... not a significant or serious one.. but one that is very very difficult to get rid off... because it is so recurrent... and despite knowing that God has taken away at least 95% of my burden... it is still so recurrent.. until the day the hole is filled naturally... not by concrete... but slowly with His soil...
it is something on a sub-level... not at all involved in my daily life.... however.... slowly at certain times, it does affect how i deal with things... my attitude towards other ppl... towards things happened.. so subtly....
yet i know its me who was not 'rite' during those times..
knowing me i am the type of person who dun like to talk about my struggles until the time i fully overcome them... and then would talk about it... thinking yep... i did overcome it.. its all good.
But even now it still is good, isn't it? struggle in itself is a blessing too.
so yep, just depending on God, in happiness and in trials.. ^0^
Agape,
still functioning
More on RUBBISH
Doing more reflection these days...... And remembered Mark 2:17
On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
now aren't we all rubbish left on our own.... without hope???
And Jesus picked the rubbish up..... and saved us with His blood...
Awesome rubbish picker!
Awesome Encourager
Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power and love
Our God is an awesome God
i reali dun even know how to start this blog... But God is reali so real and so amazing...
saturday b4 i leave for uth grp.... saw my parents watching a vcd of a famous old Buddhist monk preaching..... then i heard he said sth 'Christian' so sat down and watched a while...
wat i am abt to relate is 100% true....
the monk was saying that once some buddhists got converted to Christianity.... and he went to attend their baptism.... he said at the end of the service he went up to the pastor... and said: oh yeh i thank u so much that u made those ppl Christians... he said the pastor thought he was sarcastic but he was genuinely happy for them...
he goes on saying: we Buddhism went on for abt 3 thousand yrs... u guys went on for 1998 yrs(it was 1998 at the time) and we have lots of bad ones within us, and i guess u hav lots of bad ones too... the reason why these ppl convert to ur religion is that because they start off being the rubbish from us.... so i just want to thank u for cleaning away our rubbish for us......
And like soap opera..... u can hear laughter so constantly in the audience throught his preaching.... especially when he mentioned 'rubbish'.....
my dad was watching it... at the time i couldn't even describe wat i think.... cos he always accuse us Chrstians being so narrow-minded and couldn't accept other religions......and i know if i lose my cool, try to argue and convince him thats not the true, it will turn him further away from God.... he wil just say u Christians can't even take a joke....then how can u take ur left cheek when ppl hit ur rite cheek.....
i was so shaken but i pretended i was ok.....just finishin doin my stuff and going bk to my room... and i was so careful to control my emotion even when inside my room cos he will be driving me later for uth grp....and i want to still talk to him 'normally' and not lose control....
but wat i truly feel: i see the monk in tv......i just want to go up and smash the tv.. he is realy satan..... now matter how mild and gd deed doing he is.... i can just c satan speaking... and my parents r watching that....inside the house.. of Satan insulting God...... when i knelt down for a prayer i just felt so powerless...
it reali was a bit of disillusionment too.... cos i was born in a quite hardcore buddhist culture.. and even when i became Christian, i always respected Buddhism and Buddhists.... but it just is reali sickening when the monk in previous 'sermons' always emphasize: all religion in the world r the same... if u believe in Christianity........it is the same as believing buddha..... and here he is.... so bluntly insulting Christianity... no more mr nice guy huh?
To be honest I was reali reali reali shaken...
A good thing i was stil calm on the car, and when i got to uth grp.. it was a gospel nite, but for several reasons it was not so well organised as expected....... and 3 new ppl come..... only one i think is a non-Christian...
i was apathetic: thats just the way things r....
Knowing wat.... He really used the gospel nite to touch me and and give my heart a big big hug!
the P&W atmosphere was very passionate.... and one of the songs (the one i put at the start of the post) as i sang it i just felt my heart reali opened... and redirected to focus on Him, not on the world and its imperfection... the repetition really came as such a good worship to Him. The last song 'Big' also had the beautiful repetition: There is nothing my God cannot do... Very comforted...
Was more encouraged when we watched the video by Tom Pinpania(did i spell his name rite?hehe) a ex-Mafia who became a priest..... (now before the blog get too long i better keep thing brief) His testimony and experiences were reali inspiring.....should watch the video if u guys haven't seen it....
then rita and adam gave testimonies... so great.... to see them still in high school, yet have such a passion for God. Adam is almost a professional preacher by now..... so powerful when he speaks... abt his experience at Jumpstart, and how he made his decision to commit himself for full time mission and is preparing himself ever since.... and one thing he said i share here:
when we punch ppl, or be nasty to them, we usually feel bad... we know it will be painful for the other person...and more often then not we try to say sory, to make up by being nice or giving gifts.. but how many times we kick, punch and slap God by sinning.... He hurts he really hurts... and how can we pretend we don't know it???
Then ppl sang Here I am by Planet shakers, again..... the two lines: i will not be moved, i will stand for you.... pretty much brought tears to my eyes...
its just so hard to share my joy across the net and my poor english.... but God really comforted my and encouraged my so amazingly and miraculously 2nite....
Just made me realise: Gospel nites not only for non Christians..... perhaps we can benefit HUGE from them too!!!
And things dun need to be fancy... dun need to be so organised... even when we fall short..... when God works.......nothing can match!
i still rem myself last wk, sitting at franklin graham.... completely unexcited.... thinking: either something wrong with the event, or my spirituality reali has a problem.....
i dunno why.... but then everything just seems so unconvincing? the msg not convincing....ppl walking down not convincing.... worship music not convincing.... spirtual lethargy?
Well God touched my heart, not only touching, but a big hug....
realised..... so easy to lose focus on Him.... while reali.... the world doesn't matter, Satan is defeated already,and reali only why do i need to focus my eyes on anything else but Him? Jesus born all the world's sin and evil... but all these die.......while He will rise! God is true, God is real, God is the Way... then who can argue against that? and God reigns! so who can insult Him...
I am so grateful for this whole experience......how much He blessed me, encouraged me and strengthened me through this, and also how much He blessed me...... in everyday in everything...
Big
My God is big
So strong so mighty
My God's plan for me
Goes beyond my wildest dreams
My God is good
He's so good to me
My God is big
So strong so mighty
My God is good
He's so good to me
He's my God and
He is my refuge
He's the rock on which I stand
He's my fortress
God, He is my life
He holds the oceans in His hand
My God is Big
So Strong so mighty
My God is good
He's so good to me
There's nothing my God cannot do
music
Today went online to search for a music... one day i was shopping at Dusk, and heard this music, sounded so beautiful......
But the reason why i think its so beautiful......is not only the music itself, but that i heard it before....(at the time i thought i heard it in a Chinese TV series.....) Was quite surprised cos its a reali 'Chinese' story,and they used Western music as a theme music??? But yeh, the music was so beautiful that i thought it actually was a great combination....... so i stayed in the shop until the music stopped... bringing back from memory all the scene in the tv series....
i have been longing for the music since feb... 2day thought i had some time so decided to go online to look for it..... after 2 hrs of surfing........found the theme music for the tv series...
BUT when i listened..... it actually wasn't the music I heard in Dusk.... *sob* my memory must hav been quite faulty....
And the thing is... if the music isn't actually from the series, if the music is without the context of the story, but just some relaxation music... would i have thought it was so beautiful in the 1st place?
That just reminds me of life.... many times we want things..... or relationship... longing so desperately for it... but when we got it.... we realise it is nothing like wat we have imagined... or watever we got after a long wait, is nothing like wat it starts off.....
then won't life be sweeter and more pleasant, if we just surrender all to the Lord, not say we want this or that, but see everything as a gift always?
Lord bless us with a willingness to surrender.... ^^
Friendship
Was revising Onmyoji these few days... and read a very sweet article inspired by Abe no Seimei:
五六七歲的小朋友做起事情來...其實是很有原則的...聽友人談起小朋友的事...總是趣味不斷...
他們每天都會吃點心...有一天...點心是炒麵和水餃...為了不要分太多碗盤裝...(要洗很多碗!)友人就將炒麵和水餃裝在一個碗裡...小朋友看見了...很不開心...直說:「這樣都混在一起了...我不要~」友人說:「吃進肚子還不是也都混在一起!?」小朋友就開始鬧:「我不要啦~我不要啦~」友人還是很堅持...反正都一樣...小朋友更堅持...一直鬧到大哭起來...(最後應該也吃了吧!?)
但是第二天...小朋友還是很高興地迎接點心時間...這時看見他這麼開心的友人忍不住要逗他...便說:「喲~不知道誰呀...昨天還哭了呢!!」小朋友馬上嘟起嘴:「沒有,我才沒有哭!!」
呵呵呵...聽到這裡...是不是跟我想到一樣的畫面!?晴明也一樣嘟起嘴跟博雅說:「不,我沒有哭...」「いや、泣いた」博雅自信滿滿地說...「泣いておらん」死不承認的晴明...
這二人...真是像二個天真無邪的小鬼...一起吃飯,玩樂,冒險,盪秋千...一起上廁所...互相打鬧,打氣...又互相取笑,漏氣...
小朋友時的友情能有多深??其實那時候最純真的感情及心情是最深的...因為心裡最重要的除了自己就是好朋友...只是後來隨著長大...我們的心裡愈裝愈多自以為重要的事...於是...放著友情的位置也愈來愈小...就算自己心裡把友情擺第一位...但對方心裡卻不這麼認為時...雙方給予彼此的回應是不相等的...所以才會愈來愈孤獨...只是小朋友的友情雖純真但卻易碎...和晴明博雅之間不同的是...二人不只是稚子般的純真友情...同時還擁有強烈的信任及成人的理性...他們給予彼此的友情回應是相等強烈的...所以就算晴明是妖物博雅也是他的好朋友...就算晴明要賭上性命博雅也願相隨...不管博雅有任何難題晴明都願為他解決...只有在博雅面前晴明才會露出真實的自己...
你說我們能不能有如同晴明博雅般的友情??雖然一直響往但後來的我覺得很難了...在年少輕狂那段友情至上的那個時候...朋友說:走~去打球!去喝茶!去逛街!去哪去哪~~馬上便回說:好~走!...ok~走吧!...愈是長大後...
這樣的情景己不知消失到哪去了...約朋友說:走~去打球!去喝茶!去逛街!去哪去哪~~收到的回答總是:現在?...我有事耶~...要先約時間哦~因此長大之後...變成大人的我們...當友人能坐在我旁邊無心機地聊家常事...而我也還能無所求地坐在這裡聽他說著...一同笑著...其實此刻己經是最大的幸福了...
i reali agree with the last paragraph.... sometimes the greatest gift we can give to friends, is to waste time with them...
cooking and reading
cooked my own lunch on friday because i cbs study for pbl... decided to be a bit innovative, and cook a vegetarian combination: with carrot... tomato.... tofu skin... and seaweed.. chucked in a variety of sauces... (including wasabi)... and some other stuff i can't remember..... had a taste of it myself, very sickening....
However, since i cooked not only for myself but my mum as well...... i realised prob not a good thing for her to eat this.... so sat there eating the bowl of weird concoction... until my stomach can no longer take it........ now lost my appetite prob for the wkend for good....
had an internetless wk...... took advantage of it and went into hiberation..... *hehehe* a nice break from socialising online, so just completely slacked off in my own little world. Read heaps of chinese novels.... and watching late nite sbs movies... (everyone start to give yn weird looks........ ) Indeed, quite true... watched a Korean one where ppl were bound to a table..... anestheticised... then got chopped up..... with a close up of a bucket beneath the table with blood dripping into it.... already half a bucket full......(now everyone just runs away)
book reading: on monday sally lent me a book with jap crime stories... finished it within 2 hrs. hehe... some disturbing stories too....
on wednesday borrowed 4 books from the library. finished them in one nite... (now u know the amt of study i do normally....) one of them is called Loveholic........ sounds like sweet romantic novel.... yet again, knowing my taste it is about a disturbed women who harasses her ex-husband, kidnaps her current lover's daughter and starves her..... except the other day sally and kolin saw the title of the book and decide to tease me for reading romantic novels.... *sigh* no comment..... ^0^
bday party
lol...blogging again....low self-discipline all over... ^0^ but yeh, just back from Carrie's 21st party... very sentimental... and i was just really touched that at the end of the speech she said: There is still one more I would like to thank. It is God. I think He is so real and so amazing.. (not her exact words.. but the meaning is there....^0^)And that just made me remember that its reali her unfailing enthusiasm about her faith that directed me more and more towards the Lord during the time i spent at PLC.
And yep... gave the crystal to her.. which is a......FROG. In high school we used to have lots of grp jokes about frogs... but now as a Christian the FROG has another meaning for us: Forever Rely On God. ^0^
she actually got me some sourvenirs from her last holiday trip... a Slamdunk vcd from hk, and also a key ring from Langkawi. Now i will hang the keyring on my pencilcase so i can impress all my malaysian friends.... LOL
And yep.. God is so real and so amazing.
Agape,
My little world
ended up working again 2day.. till 2... hahahah.... cos one of the gals who's meant to come in didn't turn up. so i sub in... *sob*
but yeh.. got my pay.... got wat i was planning to get from Swarovski... it is just.....STUNNING.
wasted time at home... eating Shanghainese xiao long bao.... and watching the news then bits of american idol... had a d&m with my dad about how disturbing it is that william hung became popular...
one of those funny days thats a bit out of routine...lol
was revising antibiotics... b4 i decided to come online again... sally and yi wei's blogs were majorly updated... read and enjoyed..^0^ then went like.. awww...... i want to write a post too on my blog.... *stuff antibiotics for now*
I am... a little bit overwhelmed by what God brought my attention to these few days.
monday nite my mum talked about my auntie(my mum's cousin actually)... who passed away when i was in year 12... for 7 months my mum didn't tell me the news... only when i finished exam she told me... and said: i didn't want to upset u when u had exams..
my mum was just remembering auntie's life and early days... had a bad childhood... parents divorced, and mother basically didn't want her...never had uni education, being a nurse she got a bf at 19... who was 21, the top medical student in his year... then the cultural revolution came... he was sent interstate to do medical services at some factory...where a fight between different political grps broke out... and not accustomed to the violence and bloody scene.. he went insane...
when he came back... his family was afraid that my auntie will leave him... so they really persuaded her to marry him... and she did.
although he was almost fully recovered to normal function he was a broken man, never again the talented medico my auntie anticipated him to be...
And she got dissatisfied at the match... complained, and sweared at him... very constantly.. a few years later they divorced... and at the time her husband had a very bad case of stomach ulcer and was on the verge of dying... all these didn't move her.. She left with the son.
She was bitter for all her life, ever since... hardly ever satisfied at anything... bitter about work, bitter about her house (which is pretty terrible and shabby i must say), bitter about her son's study, career... and bitter about certain family members...
then she was diagnosed with breast cancer... went through 2-3 yrs of tough treatment... then the malignant cells spread...
even when she was dying... my grandma went to see her... and she was like: I am never happy in my life... 我心裡真恨啊!
everytime i recall her story.. sadness just overwhelms me... her life is hard... lots of thing didn't go according to plan... lots of disappointments, frustrations...
just made me think... if i am in her position... wil i be bitter and frustrated like her? once u hav a bad attitude about one thing.. then things reali just become a downward spiral and nothing will feel rite... not to mention that some of the things happened were indeed anger provoking...
my life.. is good.. so blessed... i really can't think of anything that is seriously not going according to a way that i like... even like this... sometimes i feel frustrated, sometimes i get annoyed and angry... while most of the time... i just live in my own little world of goodness... so carefully making most things rite and good so there is no risk of frustration.
i am scared at the possibility of a life like my auntie's... despite i have God's asssurance... do i think my life is good, because of Him and Him alone? or just because i have my little world of goodness.. surrounded by so many good things?
2day was reading the herald sun on the tram.. despite its tabloidal nature....lol
Got very very shaken by the north blackburn shooting.. cos that is a shopping centre i frequent, and one of my close friends just lives 2 blocks away from there...
never actually had such an acutely feeling about the immense sense of security i have about my own little world... almost seems that the shooting is in a completely diff world... so violent and sinister... i had never expected it to happen in melbourne...
very mixed feeling about this incident... not even sure how to express them...
i know God is speaking to me through all these... i will hav to quieten down my heart to listen to Him.
i will finish by a paragraph of Eileen Chang:
時代的車轟轟地往前開。我們坐在車上，經過的也許不過是幾條熟悉的街衢，可是在漫天的火光中也自驚心動魄。就可惜我們只顧忙著在一瞥即逝的店鋪的櫥窗?找尋我們自己的影子——我們只看見自己的臉，蒼白，渺小：我們的自私與空虛，我們恬不知恥的愚蠢—— 誰都像我們一樣，然而我們每人都是孤獨的。
things resolved.. plus Curtis and Emily
late at nite.... but still decided to post 2day... Thanx so much dave for all the encouraging words.^^ And thank u all for ur prayers! *yn bows*
went to work 2day... ppl just got so crazy and all decided to have chick and beef pieces swimming in oil for lunch.... anyway... but then...
my manager asked me: say if i found someone able to work.. do u still want to work Wednesdays... and i, still trying to be polite, said,'preferrably not...'
And she said ok, and didn't put my on any shifts!!!! ^0^ so basically i got off work... i am so happy....
Leaving me more time to focus on study, on church commitments.... and also be able to reali think about joining a bible study grp. ^0^ Praise the Lord!
Had youth grp 2nite and also had bible study, and XiaoZhen was our grp leader! ^0^ I still remember the 1st time i went to church... and she talked to me... with a big smile that was so beautiful and infectious... Not exaggerating, my heart was truly warmed at the time... definitely something that helped me to make my decision...now that i look back.
On an interesting side note.... i love the shop Suga... since it was just rite across where i work in southland...... i always go there after work... looking for cheap, badly shaped lollies thats on sale on the trolley.... 2day found a big chunky bag for 1.80... heheheh... when i looked at it clearly beyond its food qualities.. i realised... that a guy called curtis ordered them to be made for a girl called emily.. for it inscribes in the centre of all the lollies: curtis loves emily.
not to comment on the quality of a love declaration like that.. but
reali got me thinking....... actually a very nice thing the curtis guy has done... not only is emily benefiting..... the shop made a profit... at least 3-4 more consumers managed to get cheap Suga lollies... Then also thinking: should we feel guilty.... cos curtis prob just intended this love for emily?
having said that... i am just sitting in front of comp... enjoying the lollies without any sense of remorse... *evil grin*
on a more expensive note... (sori i am always so cheap.... *sob*) went to Swarovski.. something caught my eye.. and that instant i knew: THATS IT! Not only does it look nice... it actually has special meanings... and fits so well with the occasion.
LOL..... some of u know wat i am talking about la... ^^
spiritual lethargy
i hate to be firm and decisive with ppl... the most recent incident went through is quiting work..... went through so many inner struggles before i told my manager that i want to quit after this wk.. was so happen abt it afterward... in fact not so much about job quitting but abt how i actually said it and everything was fine...
until yesterday... when my manager was like. surely 1nce a wk won't be too much yeh? quit when u reali can't handle it ok? and knowing me i just smiled and be polite and said yeah sure.........which means more decisive work need to be done in the future.. and i absolutely hate it........
am i doing too much? or i am just being lazy and try to be easy on myself when God reali want me to be trained up in multitasking in life?
Which is also related to wat happened today.....
Went to CU public meetings 1st time this semester.... prob my last semester to be able to go... ppl were signing up for bible study small grps... when sally asked me 'wat grp r u signing up? i am going to the thursday one. ' for some very strange reason i am just completely unenthusiastic about small grp...... not thursday. not tuesdays either... and it came pretty much as a shock to me that i actually thought that... and so firmly as if its just another commitment of annoyance hard to shake off......
is it because i am doing too much? or because i just want to be lazy? And most of all..... is it a warning to me that i am becoming spirtually lethargic?
i can say this semester i am pretty stressed.... but still quite happy up to now...... most of my stresses came from not having enuf tym for studying..... but when i actually hav a whole day free to do work..... i end up wasting time..... like usual....
just scared that this semester is becoming like the rest of them.... very satisfying in all other aspects.. yet always looking back and thinking having put in enuf effort at actual med stuff... half effort, half understanding.. half everything......
must pray.
some thoughts...
Not exactly in the brightest mood 2day... had a reali boring tute.. talked about useless stuff but then still attempted to talk so tutor won't mark me down... and attempt not so successful either.. felt so fake... got grumpy on train b/c it was late... and i didn't get a seat b/c there r so many ppl... looked at myself in reflection when train went past parliament tunnel... didn't reali want to look at myself b/c of my silly thoughts...
Got home and when i was reading the Bible.. the verse that spoke to me despite my reluctance 2day was Mark 10:45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
My self-pitying 2day reali has no ground.. and great thing the Lord called me to service again. ^0^
Listened to Kenshin TV OST... after so many years the music still didn't lose its appeal to me.. 1st song listened happened to be a L'arc en ciel one.. reali enjoyed it... i guess when i was in a happy mood... Chemistry's smoothness always made it my 1st choice... but there r times.... when i just purely enjoy the insacchrine melancholic voices of L'arc en ciel...
my telecommunication got very weird 2day... 1st received a call on my mobile.... was busy didn't pick up... but when i called back less than a minute later... the fone no. returns 'call could not be connected.. plz check ur no and try again'... then around 6 20ish received an sms.. from my friend lu... but the sms was blank.. when i called her up later she was like no i didn't send u anything...
being so morbid minded as i always am... i reali suspect something sinister..... hehehe......
was reading history again these days... digging through my old book collections.... one of the stories reali touches me..
金自被圍以來，將帥戰沒甚眾，戊申，以近侍分守四城。蒙古兵鑿西城為五門以入，督軍鏖戰，及暮及退，聲言來日複集。是夕，金主集百官，傳位於東面元帥承麟。承麟，世祖之後拜甡之弟也，拜泣不敢受。金主曰：“朕所以付卿者，豈得已哉！以朕肌體肥重，不便鞍馬馳突。卿平日趫捷有將略，萬一得免，祚嗣不絕，此朕志也。”承麟乃起受璽。己酉，即位。
時孟珙之師向南門，至金字樓，列雲梯，令諸將聞鼓則進。馬義先登，趙榮繼之，萬眾競入，大戰城上。烏庫哩鎬及其將帥二百人皆降。時百官稱賀，禮畢，亟出捍敵，而南城已立宋幟。俄頃，四面鼓噪夾攻，聲震天地。南面守者棄門走。孟珙招江海、塔齊爾之師以入，完顏仲德帥精兵一千巷戰，不能禦。金主自經于幽蘭軒。仲德聞之，謂將士曰：“吾君已崩，何以戰為！吾不能死於亂兵之手，吾赴汝水從吾君矣，諸君其善為計！”言訖，赴水死。將士皆曰：“相公殉國，吾輩獨不能耶？”於是參政富珠哩小洛索、烏淩阿呼圖、總帥元志、元帥裕珊爾、赫舍哩柏壽、烏庫哩和勒端及軍士五百餘人皆從死焉。
承麟退保子城，聞金全殂，率群臣入哭，因謂眾曰：“先帝在位十年，勤儉寬仁，圖復舊業，有志未就，可哀也已！宜諡曰哀。”奠未畢，城破，諸將禁兵共舉火焚之，奉禦完顏絳山收其骨，將瘞之汝水上。江海入宮，執參政張天綱以歸，孟珙問金主所在，天綱以實告曰：“城危時，即取寶玉置小室，環以草，號泣自經，曰：‘死便火我。’”煙焰未絕，珙乃與塔齊爾分金主骨及寶玉、法物。承麟亦為亂兵所殺。金亡。
那種壯烈﹐真的很感動。
