YOU

I have realised wen i stop blogging I dont spend the time studying but do things even less constructive. I've been wanting to write this for a long time but my avolition has already escalated to a new high... >.<
So to be at least baseline constructive, i will try to at least update this everyday so hopefully i'd have spilled out everything i want to say by the end of the semester.

Language
I realised only recently that certain words in chinese can never be full translated into english and certain words in english can never be fully translated to chinese. "shock" is much more than "震惊", and "献身" is more than "sacrifice" or "devotion".
I have been thinking lately much about the word "幸福". It is more than "happiness", more than "wellbeing", more than "satisfaction"... there just seems to be a much more subjective feel and much stronger emotion attached to it.
irene on quite a few occasions has said that binge eating while watching TV always makes her feel 好幸福~
*深情呼唤Irene同学~~~~~*
Whenever i recall you saying this, I also feel 好幸福. =D

The love"s" of my life
One day i was re-watching Galileo for the Nth time and going starry eyes over Yukawa-sensei for the Nth time. My dad kindly commented on the side: its OOKKK, one day you will move on... Just remember how crazy you were about Slamdunk~ and now you have moved on~ blah blah blah~
well I guess I never told him that over the years I have written 300 000 words for slamdunk...
and hence I guess he will never know that I dont move on but only acculmulate...
If i tell him... I am sure he will become like this poor daddy in the picture :D

Transference
I still get much salvation cringe and sometimes horridly think how good it will be if Christian lives do not involve evangelism.
I know that i am weak and horrible and desperate and totally cannot handle pain. thats why I need God BAD...really BAD...
but i am in no position to force others to feel like me or to flash my weaknesses as some sort of spiritual superiority...
hence i fear, doubt, hesitate, and do not move.
The other day I looked at the clock and knelt down to pray and then looked at the clock again after praying: 2 minutes. o.O
I never prayed well and still dont pray well. For me to express thoughts into spontaneous spoken language has always been a difficult and tiring task. Apart from desperate circumstances when the pain of the situation itself became intolerable, not praying helped me to avoid thinking about the problems I face, the things I selfishly want, the things I fear to lose etc etc etc.
So i could avoid pain.
hence i fear, doubt, hesitate, and do not speak.
sometimes i wonder whats the difference between myself and that overwt hypertensive depressed pensioner sitting across me.
We both need to change things to be healthy and feel better.
yet we feel bad, and that stopped us from doing anything.

Can you keep a secret?
I am passively hostile. I do not easily overcome my fears. I find one subgroup of God's creation absolutely repulsive. I cannot love everyone the same, many people I dont love as Christ have loved me. I rather sit in isolation and turn my own imaginary world into words, than spend the time to talk and smile and be kind & warm to people.
Otaku Christians will find it easier to do daily Bible reading & devotions. Articulate Christians will find it easier to pray long touching prayers, to preach beautiful sermons, and to evangelise. Dependent Christians will find it easier to love and forgive, and head strong Christians will find it easier to stand firm in one's faith. Many times I have wished that I could have another's personality traits so that it will be much easier to be a good child of God, many times my own weaknesses have driven me mad...
i dont know when my own failures will cause too much harm to others, or be too much for myself to endure.
but let me cling again to those words of 2 Cor 12:9-10 :
But he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Grow up to be like you
It sounds absolutely retarded and disgusting for me to say such words at 24 years of age. LOL but such is my genuine feeling...LOL more...
if its retarded & disgusting then just let it be retarded & disgusting. :D

Masha has been doing many magazine interviews and again left a bucketful of genuine insightful words. One paragraph says:
Recently lots of people believed that they need to be constantly "in love".
Well I personally don't believe so.
Love which is always trying and always wiling to taste failure probably is...wonderful.
however, a love thats attained reluctantly is not a good thing.
When i was in my 20s i always thought that love and relationship were not necessities for me.
At that time, I would be thinking: hmm...I don't really want relationship badly... maybe I am really weird?...
At that time, even if I was on my own, I totally did not mind but rather enjoyed it.
I thought that days without "love", would allow my own life to become more fulfilled, which was very important for me.

And now... time on my own is still important.
But i do not want to be always on my own.
I used to be very scared of watching The Prophecies of Nostradamus.
Nowadays I find that, if i am still single when i become old--
it is even more scary. *Laughes*

Now I find masha's attitude in his 20s very agreeable.
but i will turn older and uglier, and when my heart grow wan and sallow, I will become desperate.
Maybe that time anyone will do as long as its a male.
maybe that time even the most repulsive will become my golden catch.
but maybe...I will still remain weird.

I hope when that day comes, I will remember how positive and honest Masha's words were.
and that I can be at least positive and honest about it like Masha.
and not use righteous noble selfless spirtual words to colour my own desperation or weaknesses.

Meanwhile I really hope for Masha to find a gf and get married soon and start a happy family and breed lots of little mashas. :D

Which reminds me.... there are talks that Maya Miki sama is in a stable relationship and is planning to get married soon.
*hearts* X 10
no surprise... she is still so pretty and attractive at 44~ of course she will be married soon!

well i hope Maya Miki sama will start a happy family and breed lots of pretty healthy talented little maya mikis (though my medical instinct is rather worried..>.<) LOL
and i still hope I can be half as beautiful as Maya Miki sama when i am an aunty. *giggle*

I would rather die than to...
though i've always been so terrible at prayers, seeing words such as these could immediately shatter me and send me straight on my knees.
http://www.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/funinfo/1/1278800.shtml
It is rather sad and disturbing to see people feeling such hatred and anger towards something they know so little about.
However I really do not find it hard to understand and forgive and even identify with these people's emotions and thoughts.
On the contrary I turn livid with fury and still struggle to forgive those:
-who with a serious and self-righteous face said with absolute certainty that she doesnt believe there is a thing called mental illness.
-who articulately spoke uplifting emotionally charged words which really turned out to be saying that she believes that troubling insomnia is caused by rejection of God and Christians dont or shouldnt have such grievances.
i could not tolerate to see ppl after becoming Christians believe their own ignorance is God's truth and not even have basic respect and empathy for human suffering.
-__-||||| *just because u dont have it now... doesnt mean...
ok i should stop here. I DO do 10 times more terrible things than these good people.
and i live in constant fear that i will become like that without me knowing, on top of my already existent terribleness.

i enjoyed the psych patients in gp. I enjoyed more how my gp treated them not as an inferior species but equal people and her friends. I enjoyed the way how she spoke of them not with negativity or horrid fascination but with love and concern, even when they were not there.
Before the rotation started I lived in amused cynical anticipation of this definite terrible finish to my med student years. I expected five weeks of terribleness and actually received 5 weeks of blessings. despite my excessive pre-exam anxiety now i look back to it and can still say i enjoyed it. nowadays when i drive pass MGP... i feel warm and happy.
Thank you Lord, that was... really unexpected.
and...
No, if I ever become a GP, i dont have to die.

The First of Everything
I had my first car crash this year.
Mum sank into black fury for a few days. To her a crash should never never happen to a car she recently fixed and polished and etc.
I had my first operation (just dental stuff LOL) this year.
dad was horrified to see me vomiting by the sink because of pain. To him such things should never never happen to a overall healthy person.
Maybe despite my avolition, I have "achieved" a few things.
and maybe next year I will "achieve" more... with much pain and reluctance, and horrified expressions from parents.
for example: the first anaphylaxis i will cause~ the first metabolic alkalosis i will cause~ the first patient i will kill....
I am looking at myself horrified...now.

Songs
sometimes i wonder if i would want to go clubbing... if they play songs which i like.
eg. chitose hajime...
LOL that was just a joke. i mean even just Seamo, or Core of Soul.
Haruno Katami by Chitose Hajime always makes me feel touched...and emotional.
Love Somebody by Yuji Oda always makes me feel very Christmasy and cheerful no matter how gloomy my day is.
Ageha by Core of Soul always makes me feel positive and can always bring a smile to my face.
And YOU by Fukuyama Masaharu..
always makes me feel secure and comforted.

Maybe this paragraph will sound so much better... if i mention names of P&W songs.

But I will be honest.

Future
I have realised that I really didn't like med... for the past 6 years. I enjoyed my time spent here, i enjoyed the friends i made, i treasure all the memories of the 6 years and will always look back at them with fondness.
But I do not like medicine.
While ppl on blogs may talk here and there about exam topics, about interesting things they have learned, about progresses they have made, or just mention it as part of their daily lives--
I had not even the slightest interest and did not want to talk about anything medical.
It is rather depressing when I come to this realisation.

But I have to stay positive, at least for now and at least for next year.
And I will stay positive.

I will look forward to my future with Masha's words..again.
Masha who spoke so reasonably and insightfully about everything.
Masha who's not afraid to say that he's desperate.
Masha who lost sleep worrying over the popularity of his show and shared his fear with everyone.
Masha who admitted that he is overcautious and anxious about everything and needs to alway over-prepare before he goes into action.

To be able to pursue a career that you really like, is a very difficult thing.
but if you have strong & persistent willpower,
there will be opportunities for you to find something you really like.
Even if you can't find it, it shouldn't be too far away.
And no matter what kind of job it is, no matter whether it is suitable for you or not,
You can always enjoy your work, and make discoveries in what you do.

Thank you, you are one of those very rare people who convinced and inspired the negative fearful cynical me who distrust almost everything.
Looking forward to more encouraging words from you next year.

The End
I have been wondering. Should I finish off with Eaglewood Dust with the end of this blog?
I don't know.
These days I seem to not want to make any decisions, or take any responsibilities.
Maybe its just fearful anticipation of the future.

Regardless of it all, this is what I will trust.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

And pray let me never lose this trust.

Chinese tales

reading 八卦 really can brighten up your day. recently i discovered that chinese short stories from thousand yrs ago are hilarious and awesome...
i will translate a few, anyone whos interested in the more gross stuff..*evil grin"...plz read it urself :D
warning: disturbing contents if you are fob and understand the language
http://cache.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/funinfo/1/941605.shtml

There was once a very handsome wealthy student. When he was travelling to do exams in the capital he found accomodation in a monk's house. Every moring he woke up to see his desk & chair & brush & ink all cleaned and arranged in perfect order. He even got daily fresh flowers in his vase. The student started dreaming: people usually say there are lots of beautiful fox spirits in this area. maybe there is one here and she is attracted to me, hence doing all these things for me.:D He was hoping for that with all his heart till one night he broke a corner of the paper window and looked into his study. No surprise he saw someone tidying the room for him, but the person was not a beautiful girl, but a bulky bearded middle aged man! He was horrified and moved house the next day, when he was moving he could hear sighing in the air... O.O

foxy violence
A family had a loft occupied by a family of fox spirits. Everyday they could hear the fox spirits talking and laughing, but they never harmed other people so the family just let them be. One day people gathered in the house and heard fighting noises from the loft, everyone sat closer to it to listen to 八卦. :D Then they heard a voice asking them: gentlemen from downstairs, please tell me: how can a wife bash up her husband like this??? There was one among those downstairs who just had a fight with his wife and he still had a fresh wound on his face from the fight. so people all laughed and told the fox: such things happen a lot these days. No surprise! the fox spirits laughed too after hearing that and stopped their domestic violence. :D

son & water
A magistrate's daughter had obsessive unrequited love for a scribe working under her dad, so she secretly sent her servant girl to bring her the water in which the scribe washed his hand. she drank the water and became pregnant and gave birth to a son. When the child can walk the magistrate brought the kid out for him to point out his dad. The child ran up and hugged the scribe. The scribe was so horrified and pushed the child away. The child fell, and became a pool of water. The magistrate interrogated his daughter, after he found out what happened, he forced the scribe to marry his daughter. 囧

a desiring heart
a peasant found an egg and started dreaming: the egg will hatch a chicken, chicken will produce more egg, more egg turn into more chicken, next month i will have 15 chicken, 15 will become 300, i can use the 300 to swap to 150 oxen, and in the end i can use the oxen to buy a concubine. His wife was furious and smashed the egg. The couple went to see the magistrate. husband cried: this evil woman has destroyed all my properties! magistrate asked: where is your property? how did she destroy it? Husband told the story of the egg and the concubine. magistrate mused: this much property! all gone because of your wife!of course she deserves to be punished. The woman cried: all he said was just in his imagination! Why am i guilty? Magistrate asked: He is no way close to getting a concubine yet! why were you jealous? Woman replied: I am just cutting the root of all evil. Magistrate laughed: he has greed. you have jealousy. Both unrealistic and excessive. In your illusions experiencing such satisfaction or hatred is just pointless and absurd.

anyways ancient chinese ppl are funny ppl. :D
on another note i wonder if i will get to see this movie in cinemas when i go back. *hearts*

china's most famous love triangle in its latest version. :D
the good ppl

the evil guy

apparently the evil guy is not so evil this time but equally good and cute... O.O

these days i really dont want to miss out any fob prettiness but want to see/read every thing and enjoy as much as possible. *hearts* i believe next yr my exposure to fobby stuff will drastically decline which will be very sad... cant read too much 八卦 anymore when i start working. >.< (though i have seen this very 强悍 surg reg openly playing some online rpg on hospital computer *sweat*) 呜呜呜~ i will surely miss all the 八卦... :(

ps. mum and dad will go bk to SH in october. :D YAY!
pps. i am bad... i have not studied... >.<

pretty ppl & beautiful kids

i will write a blog without talking about masha... :D

anyways... reali old twnese series are so beautiful... the other day i had a reali gd discussion about olden day dramas with an aunty at church. we remember many of the old 琼瑶 series with such fondness cos the actresses were all so pretty, then we sighed: the gals in 琼瑶 series nowadays are really not pretty at all... >.<
and today i was just watching the theme song video of this reali old series over and over again... I watched the series in grade 2... thought all the female actresses were so pretty(i even thought the evil mother-in-law was really pretty too)...
and its gd to bring bk those beautiful memories.
the main actress was a famous hongkie actor who went mad and now lives an impoverished despised life. so sad... >.<


i dont like very pretty brighted-eyed smart-looking kids... but i absolutely adore those who have reali squinty eyes and a typical troubled look on their faces.
My fav child is this girl i saw once at church. Pastor was preaching a sermon, and i think the mother wanted to keep the girl quiet so she brought out this huge bag of snacks for her to eat during the sermon.
she had a mushroom head, chubby face, and seasame-like eyes. For the whole sermon she turned her back to the pulpit, staring blankly into all our faces, and silently munching on her snacks NON-STOP.
and all this time with this sad...troubled...perplexed expression on her face, despite how satisfied she was with her bagful of snacks.
when the pastor finished the sermon i was all hearts and flowers. :D

for a while I didn't see her, now I dont even know whether she is still in church or not... *cries*

My Favourite Physicist

the movie Yougisha X no Kenshin (容疑者Xの献身)will be shown in less than 1 month time.
in elated anticipation i went back and had another read of the novel highlights---
---and realised...
Its not because of Masha that I started to like Yuka-sensei, its because of Yuka-sensei that I started to like Masha.
and its more because of Yuka-sensei in the novel than in the tv series.

Yougisha X no Kenshin is so popular, because its a touching story about a perfect crime committed sacrificially by a mathematician for the person he loves.
However I was 10 times more touched by Yuka-sensei when i read of him saying the following words:
这个世上没有无用的齿轮，也只有那个齿轮能决定自己的用途。
There is no useless gear in this world, and only that gear itself can determine its use.
only after all the mysteries unfolded in the story can you realise how noble and merciful those words were.
*tears streaming down like seaweed* Yuka-sensei~ *hearts*

Ending theme for the movie is beautiful, Masha wrote & composed & played the song so of course :D


i went in for a 4-hr cover-shift with Danielle tonite... initially thought i will just leave abit early and crash young adults later. then had a IV for a old man and failed twice... 囧... (and I feel sorry for him cos he's frail and demented and couldnt complain or refuse or yell at stupid med student...)more 囧...
so wen everything is done its already 930... and hence: me so tired so i will just drive home now... despite having taken most of the day off and had a haircut and enjoyed myself with food and various other things.

but otherwise it was peaceful and slack and we had a prolonged dinner. :D danielle was telling me about the impossible work load and i advised her to utilise her med students as much as possible next wk *LOL　I hope Alison wont mind...* :D
and i told her about able to do my devotion every morning now b4 WR starts and feeling much happier b/c of that, and also about spotting a doctor in the northern who looked like Masha in his youth... *大心+ giggle + 害羞地跑开* :D
It was really good catching up and I am happy :D

so yeh these days still 囧 but happily running forward~

The "囧"ness of life

recently 囧is the most fashionable word in chinese culture.
wat does it mean? well just imagine this character to be a face, and think about in what circumstances ppl would show such a face... :D

well first list a few of the very 囧things I did in the past wk:
IVs on monday... forgot to release the tourniquet and keeps on trying to clean away the blood. in the end the old lady released the tourniquet herself. and then i was freaked out thinking she will die of a clot. went on medtrak the next day to see if shes still in hospital... nope she was not. relieved but still 囧...

told by intern to call pediatric ward... not only i dun know the switchboard number... i also had broca's atrophy and dun remember the word "switch"... more 囧

friday morning woke up at 430 for no reason... felt so tired and angry at self for waking up so early so turned off my alarm and decided to sleep thru the day. drifted bk to semi consciousness but suddenly heard someone calling out my name in my delusion... jumped up and realised its 515... 囧.... definitely cant sleep after that so in the end actually made it to 6oclock ward round... 囧.......

friday nite after leaving kat's party for some reason took the lift and went into the wrong car park. wen i realised its not right the door behind me wat locked and couldn't get myself out of that dark deserted carpark... 囧... called dora in distress, then dora and jeremy came to my rescue and got me out... 呜呜呜~ this is indeed very 囧...

and the most 囧 thing is: i used to laugh at my dad for listening to fob brainless chinese radio station wenever hes driving. and these days i listen to it all the time wenever i drive... and i reali enjoy it... 囧


anyways these days busy and tired and inadequate... some days reali felt 2 Cor 12:9 was the only real thing to me. O....O but actually felt less negative and more focused in God so yeh will keep trusting His strength and work in me. :D

talking abt 囧ness it reminds me of one very 囧 thing i saw a long time ago. Once in SH i was shopping with a friend, we stopped at a jewellery stall and spotted a metallic cross pendant with a black plaque in the middle. looked very nice but wen we scrutinised closely... we saw 2 shiny characters inscribed on the plaque...
......
........
......................
the inscription read: F4.

yep thats it for now... next wk 囧 episode 2...

funny quotes

2 quotes i saw today made me laugh:

1.爱情就像两个拉着橡皮筋的人，受伤的总是不愿意放手的那个.
Love is like 2 people holding an elastic band, the one who gets hurt is always the one who refuses to let go.

the next one is extremely funny...
2. 在此呼吁大家，学会修自己的笔记本……嗯，学会修自己的笔记本是很重要的……从前有个人，他不会修自己的笔记本……后来的事情大家都知道了
Here I am making a plea to everyone: learn to fix your laptop...yeh...to be able to fix your own laptop is very important...once upon a time there was a man, he didn't know how to fix his laptop...and we all know what happened after that.

Masha@Olympics

i haven't been watching the olympics... but...
masha is in beijing interviewing jap swimmers. some pictures:


and apparently some ppl spotted him shopping in some beijing shops. O.O
i wish i could be in beijing just to spot him in the crowd... *starry eyes*

anyways after 2 months of frequent nausea and dark mood and wanting to make everyone feel miserable... mum finally went to endoscopy and discovered she has a small sliding hiatus hernia.
she checked her chinese medical disctionary and now adamantly believes that she has a hole in her oesophagus... "its a hole its a hole its a hole!" she tried to convince me by emphasizing > 10 times. *who on earth did that horrid translation... >.<
anyways i hope this nausea and dark mood and making everyone feel miserable will end soon. i really hope to have more patience but this week i am really losing it. >.<

a possibility of...

There is a possibility that something really really terrible has happened.
I will look back to this post with possible feelings at extreme ends:
either i will laugh my head off at myself freaking out---
or i will be in a prostrate pitiable state shaking in fear.
and I dunno how long this uncertainty will last for.

Lord please please help me to trust in you and stay in your peace. Really need your help and guidance in this.

Long Vacation

These days i am watching a jap drama called Tomorrow. Having watched numerous medical dramas.. team medical dragon, say hello to black jack, white tower... all of them just felt like: yeh i am just watching a story... made up in some person's mind. Tomorrow really made me feel i am watching real hospital real doctors and real nurses.

Initially started watching cos of Takenouchi Yutaka. I used to love him heaps and buy all his jap drama series..*hearts* but then i din like Rondo by him and that korean lady... >.< and he was absent from TV for quite some time...

Tomorrow has really rekindled my passion for him. he plays a surgeon. =D
and tiff knows me too well. wen i told her abt this awesome medical drama i am watching and how i reali like the actor, she asked: so... 40 yo man again?
Indeed, TY is approaching 40 too. looking at him made me wish: if he is my consultant i will not sleep nor eat but learn my Harrisons or watever surg equivalent in a wk just to impress him... *starry eyes*


TY comforting a traumatised nurse in the first episode *hearts hearts*

on a more serious note tomorrow i start another semester. for most of the time this year I felt very inadequate defeated and unmotivated, i felt i despise people much more than i love people, many fears persisted in my heart for no reason. i really hope this will be no more. As said in "long vacation": when lots of bad things and failures come to you, just take it as being blessed by a long vacation.
though corny this line never fails to touch me.
so yeh tomorrow let the long vacation end. =D

Avolition

dear dear
holiday is almost half gone...
my avolition is so bad this holiday that i feel tired and unmotivated to do everything... wake up at 9... have ready made breakfast lunch and dinner... turn on my computer and read 八卦 or do absolutely nothing.. only managed to write 2 very short blogs and nothing else... >.<
unmotivated to go out... unmotivated to shop...
one day i will be unmotivated to eat... unmotivated to get out of bed.. @___@
and my iatrogenic blood loss yesterday probably gave me more excuse to be so 宅... >.<
i still feel dizzy today, so ended up sitting on the carpet and cleaning away part of my bookshelfs. Mum didn't interrogate me regarding my whereabouts in the city or my swollen lips... she probably thinks that i had too much seafood at hotpot and have angioedema.. @___@ good... i dun want to be showered with lectures about 不自量力 and excessive chicken & beef soup etc etc..
i am still sad about the fact that i could no longer give blood unless i become a fat aunty... >.< or maybe i just find it too hard to give up this not-so-difficult act of altruism and have to face my selfishness and uselessness.

on another note...i love Prince *hearts*.. who's always so happy and friendly to strangers. =D

failed

i am just going to say:
my flesh and my heart has failed so miserably... plus watever else have also failed miserably.
i hope i still have enuf nerves to carry myself thru this exam...
maybe i should pay the price and be prepared to accept wat i do not want... if i am lucky.

Lord help... plz let me look back on this and know your promise still stands true.

wat ifs

interviews bring back memories.
i reali cant remember anything abt my premed interviews except i had reali nice tempura for lunch b4 my unsw interview, and i accidentally walked into a scientology bookshop after my adelaide interview and bought a book thinking its christian stuff... O.O
watever reasons i said i wanted to do med in the first place i guess one of my main motives was to be able to shut my mum up if i can get in the top course. but in the end she din shut up but expected more. i remember well wen i saw i got melbourne med and was happy then got told off by her: "i should be feeling happy now but i am not." because she adamantly believed uni ppl should all have part time jobs and support themselves, because i did not manage to find a part time job and hence i was lazy and had a bad attitude in not trying hard enough...
i am very very thankful these terrible times are no more.

i sometimes think about whether I will be more satisfied with life and not feel so much distress, if i do not have much of a brain and did a simple course like nursing and graduate after 3 yrs and have enuf money to go to good morning every month and afford new clothes every season and be eager to look pretty and girly so i can attract watever doctor male coming my way, whether he be weird or ugly, schizoid personality or elevated bmi. and then get married early and hero worship my husband for his intelligence and money earning capacity and do not mind even if he in his sense of superiority shows me no respect, but can just feel happy to stay at home watching satellite tv all day and still get my LV bags and David Jones shopping spree...

these days things can easily reduce me to tears: dad bringing me a chocolate when mum is chucking a fit at home, sensible insightful Christian book talking about "salvation cringe", funny stupid manga Urusei Yatsura which is surprisingly touching and meaningful, kind words of friends in the same distressed boat...

i wish i can be like tiff and still trust God and give thanks from the heart even in terrible times. but i prayed abt pbl for 5 yrs and things only went from bad to worse and i just cant stop cringing when i think about tmr...

but wait a minute, one thing i can indeed always give thanks from the heart: Lord I thank you for the 5 yr plus of med course and for the beautiful group of meddies who have always there these years. if i go back to 6 yrs ago and choose again, i will do exactly the same.
please help me to cling on those words for this wk, and for all the future days to come:
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

and I am thankful pbl times are no more.

Happy stuff--Nippon Fever 2

Well lets talk about happy stuff...

the very wonderful Fukuyama Masaharu... as mentioned many times before in my blogs...
lovely prof Galileo turns 40 this year. really looking forward to his Yogisha X no Kenshin--The Sacrifice of Suspect X. =D

next... Muroi-san!!! played by Yanagiba Toshiro. hmm... quite.. old and ugly but i still love Muroi-san from Odoru Daisousasen. =D

next... a recent obsession. Sakai Masato is so beautiful in period dramas... here is him on the left, playing the most memorable Okita Souji in "When the Last Sword is Drawn".

and lastly... my most favourite Maya Miki:
she is so beautiful and talented... *starry eyes* and she is 44, her favourite pastime is eating hotpot... O.O i wish i can look half as beautiful as her even now...
dreaming to be such a beautiful aunty wen i am middle-aged.. =D

Masako says...

Masako is the female alter-ego of Fukuyama Masaharu... famous jap singer and actor who runs his own radio show... sometimes speaks in a womanly voice as "Masako" to answer questions exclusively from female audiences. =D
sounds disturbing yeh?
but apart from his talents, hes also a person reali serious about life, who never went to uni in his youth but still able to have such honest and meaningful insights about many things...
and someone I really respect.

my favourite and most memorable masako saying:

a 28yo female tells Masako: I am scared that I will always be single, i really hope to marry soon...
Masako says: If you can use your own hard-earned money, do things you would like to do yourself, this is really, "happiness" to a degree.
After you are attached, your life will be differnt.
Why always worry about not getting married? You should enjoy singlehood while you can.
It will be great if you can really appreciate and grasp this kind of happiness.
So when you are attached in the future, you can enjoy another kind of happiness.

very touched...
this especially coming from the most handsome single man in japan... *hearts*

see more of what Masako says at: http://hk.myblog.yahoo.com/dpanhk/

Accounts of a Rebellious Heart

Talking about myself being bad after I have been bad... is a good coping mechanism. At least I have the sense of security that "i am not bad at the present".
LOL
to be quite honest i have become increasingly not accepting of many things... things i used to listen and just accept as right I now have many doubts and objections and really wonder how can people treat such serious matters as mere mockery...
but i am so ignorant myself... the only thing i can do is trust and pray.
a month or so ago a friend from KM cried to us for help as a family relative fell gravely ill... as a gd enthusiastic Christian I offered to pray and said all the comforting words i could say...with great certainty. o.O but as the relative's condition deteriorates despite our prayers... I found myself ineffectual...hesitant...without words to say...and wen i was told abt the relative's passing away... the only thing i replied was: I really don't know wat i can say now... -___-|||||
after that my spirit felt very poisoned and during the same wk the chinese experienced a frenzy regarding the "five congenital infections" and i felt if i say one word wrong the friendship i built up over the yrs would be gone in a puff...
so.. for a week or so i sank low in my own emotional trauma and thought prayer doesn't do anything and ignored God.
After recovering from my own frenzy I was hit with the insight---
that wen we pray its not that we have more special connections with a powerful deity so we could gain whatever we wish for.
we pray because we admit we do not know... we admit we are not going to have inside knowledge about anyone's future, we admit we are so weak that we could not influence others or even change ourselves, and we admit that we really know too little about the pains and troubles of the world.
But we trust someone knows and loves.

nothing more to say:
Thank God for His mercy.
and I hope i will have an opportunity to explain and say sorry to ppl... -___-|||

A primitive taste for the not-so-pleasant~

I am reading Judges from the OT now. this reminds me----
When I was very young i owned a set of Bible story comics.
When I was in primary school I was the model student but the time I paid attention in class was minimal. During a class i very often let my mind drift free in the world of chinese history stories or Bible stories, while sitting still to please the teacher.
During homework time I devoted many brain cells to my own "mathematical" dilemma, Bible-related too. Noah's ark in chinese translates "a square boat". My underdeveloped brain back then could only visualise a massive rectangle but not a massive square so attempting to draw the biggest square i could on any pieces of paper had been a favourite pastime. Another fascination stemmed from a much more disturbing origin: the Levite cutting his concubine into 12 pieces. So even more time was spent on drawing a gingerbread figure and hoping to divide it into 12 equal pieces. I never succeeded back then obviously.
Nowadays I cringe bad when I read Judges 19 and seriously believe certain sections of the Bible should be rated at least MA. I really look back with horrid fascination, at how I managed to derive so much enjoyment out of such a terrible story when I was young. -_-|||||

The complete Judge Dee Mysteries by Robert Van Gulik has been my prized possession ever since I was 10. Re-reading them these days simple reminds me that my love for certain things just never dies. I enjoy them these days, largely for the profound humanity and pain reflected thru the stories but i do suspect a long time ago, I have loved the stories for much simpler reasons.
Bad people did bad things, a very smart good guy came along and solved everything and punished the baddies and made everyone happy. The end.
It was a beautiful touching simplicity.
And I love most the books which can be appear so simple and be enjoyed as a child, but as one advances in age, can always see new ideas and thoughts revealed through the same old simple stories.

to understand

I haven't been writing here but many thoughts have been brewing in my head.
i really couldn't say i enjoy mission trip talks very much, especially wen people get to the component of describing the local people, how worldly they are and how much they are in need of God, then everyone listening would show concerned faces and start praying for the special people who really need God...
NO i am not saying thats bad.
i am just thinking that if ever missionaries from another country come to australia, in describing the local people they probably would say: the australian ppl only care abt easter bunnies and chocolates during easter, and their christmas is only a materialistic gift exchange ritual... they really need God, then everyone listening would show concerned faces and start praying for the special australians...
well... lots of times we couldn't help ourselves feeling a slight sense of superiority when we hear the description of the special people who need God bad, at least I couldn't before I realised this with horror. well maybe everyone else praying for mission trips have nobler souls.
i think we all need God equally bad... whether we r long term church goers or cannibals in some unknown tropical islands. Charactestics, habits, cultures and behaviours do not make us need God more or less. ppl from conservative families shouldn't look at ppl who are sexually lenient with some sort of horror and think their lives are more messed up than ours. we who just never had that temptation doesnt mean we are better people who need to humble less.
and are stereotype "insights" about people really insights? people everywhere are different, very much within their own cultural group. probably by generalising from wat we see(aren't we merely scratching a fraction of a surface most of the time?)we have really missed out what more people out there would need?
if we are just happy to scratch the surface and eager to show our concerned faces, if we have no intention to understand more before we jump to many conclusions, are we really showing Christ's love to a different group of people?

i cringe each time when i hear speakers on the pulpit laughing or condemning with horror, of other religions' practices. and i cringe more to hear many people laughing along.
do we really understand enough to justify such a laugh? if ever we have the right to laugh or condemn or put lightly these things?
if so christianity will be subject to many laughs: their saviour is this madman who got killed like a prisoner. they have some erotic poems in the middle of their bible. who wants to take those things seriously?
and to many condemnations: their God is this freak who even kill women and children! how horrible are those people who believe that religion?
well in such cases many keen God warriors would want to argue... you are just seeing it with a wrong attitude, and you are not reading the full scripture and reading it deep to understand God! we will pray for your change of mind because you are wrong about these things.
well... in this case, what unpleasant things are we doing to others that we would tell other ppl off for if they do it to us? by merely seeing the surface, and say: it looks so horrible! why do people want to belive such a horrible religion?
well, maybe there is a reason for such things, and one that at least makes sense to the human mind.
and more than enough to justify basic respect even if we do not think they are real or true.
and if we are really fired and called to rebuke, spend the time to learn and understand before we speak, would be a very gracious thing to do.

hummm.. i dun know how this turned out like this... sunday after church i watched many episodes of bayside shakedown and wrote quite a bit of AKIRA and talked to friends from yunnan... so i should be in a really happy easy mood.. O....O
i will go and pray now... i probably will be scared of my own harsh words wen i read it next... O....O

Happy birthday Yukimura-sama

I have to wait for 4 years to say this...
even though the samurai deeper kyo manga has long finished. I still remember Yukimura sama from time to time, with much fondness.
the man with great wisdom, great strength, yet always so kind and gentle and treats his 10 servants like brothers...
*hearts*
and who is always so beautiful. =D

Happy birthday Yukimura-sama.

and the lyrics from "invisible wings"

每一次都在徘徊孤单中坚强
每一次就算很受伤也不闪泪光
我知道我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞,飞过绝望

不去想他们拥有美丽的太阳
我看见每天的夕阳也会有变化
我知道我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞, 给我希望

我终於看到所有梦想都开花
追逐的年轻歌声多嘹亮
我终於翱翔用心凝望不害怕
哪里会有风就飞多远吧

不去想他们拥有美丽的太阳
我看见每天的夕阳也会有变化
我知道我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞给我希望

我终於看到所有梦想都开花
追逐的年轻歌声多嘹亮
我终於翱翔用心凝望不害怕
哪里会有风就飞多远吧

隐形的翅膀让梦恒久比天长
留一个愿望让自己想像

chinese song & snow storm

Good old eaglewood dust, i realised i started writing this in 2004... Gee u r really old.
But I miss you.
Lots has happened during my few months absence from this blog. Went to Kunming, started new semester, went to Dookie etc.
Now I am writing this from an Alexandra Hospital consulting room computer.
And life has been good to me.

in a few months time I will probably will write a blog saying that life is so traumatising.. when i do job application and interviewing etc... O______O

when i was driving to alexandra there was this bit of road (the bit wen kev and HC did a race on our trip to eildon some yr ago LOL) that made me reali awake. my mind suddenly drifted to this story i read when i was in china:

some children of country workers working in a big city took a long distance coach to visit parents for chinese new year. on the road the snow storm came and the coach became trapped in the snow for 8 days. When the children were rescued they were asked if they ever felt hopeless during that time.
the reply was no. and they said: when we feel afraid, we just sing "invisible wings".

ah, invisible wings
its that feel-gd fob song by this girl with a reali immature voice.

i started humming it...
and i felt really really really touched this time when I go through the lyrics.

maybe i will load the chinese up when i go home and get chinese stuff on computer.