In progressive edema

growing post.
if i dont do this i will never feel motivated to write it all.

i thought about what name to give to this post. Maybe something like Retrospective Diary of a Despairing Aunty in Echuca will really do it justice, but... i wont i wont. Its too sad already even if i dont give it such a pathetic name.

In Retrospect
I am no longer suicidal, no longer in despair, but I am probably still depressed.
Even when I have a day with only 2 patients I am still depressed.
Depressed to the point that i dont want to watch any TV or movies on weekends in case they turned out to be bad and then it would be intended sleeping time all wasted.
Depressed to the point that I think I dont even love Masha anymore and I dont look forward to his new CD or his new "blog" entries or his 2010 taiga drama.

However---
I have stopped blurting out swearing words.
I have stopped sitting in my car and telling God: just make my car hit the next tree so i can die. surely you have enough people doing your work. i can't do it anymore. don't make me do it, just let me die.
I have stopped crying my eyes out in public. (lol this may have been said too early)
I have...kind of...looked forward again to God's promises.
I have found new joys in reading fob girly magazines and buying skin care products.

and I still can feel so happy when---
having a big fatty meal with irene;
gossiping with wei in half chinese about roundness;
seeing edmund smiling so kindly at met calls;
visiting my gp supervisor and secretly wanting to pinch her chubby daughter on the cheeks;
playing cards and eating junk food with meddies at wan's house.

Maybe I am not actually depressed. Its just still the slow process of ferritin + platlets going down after ASR.

I love God, but I am completely insightless!
when i heard stories about ppl who were embodiments of Christian faith i was always sceptical and suspected some major underlying dogginess going on in that person's life.
I never suspected dogginess in John Newton.
It surely turned out rather dodgy.
It really angered me why was I not told the truth to start off with.
Surely there is a difference between :
becoming an anti-slavery campaigner after conversion to Christianity;
becoming a slave ship master after conversion to Christianity, and over the course of next 20-30 years developed anti-slavery views.

John Newton is not dodgy. He is much more of a human figure to me now. I respect him more for the developing insight in such an insightless person to begin with.
And God is more amazing because of this.

But Christian articles or books (and especially children books) which evade the facts, deliberately or not, I am sorry I don't want to read a single word.
If i end up having kids, i would rather they read decameron than read such crap. If they get such crap for presents/prizes, i will throw them out. What a horrid shame if my kids end up mis-educating others about "John Newton" with ignorant Christian pride...*shudder*

A Small Step
I had a good wk after the above 2 stories.
Had a really busy take day, but surprisingly i enjoyed it. a lot of interesting patients with not entirely surgical issues, some indeed quite medical.
I have enjoyed a day of work, not because of psych, not because of the company.
just because of the patients and their medical issues waiting to be sorted out.

surprisingly so.

or maybe not so surprising given my "surprising" ability to work, in such sharp contrast to my passive unethusiastic reluctant-to-speak student years.
and maybe, surg is not going to result in mental breakdown as my lovely co-intern has so feared for me.
maybe surg can be therapeutic.

but I have not been good. I still so easily turn to where my comfort is.

Dear Lord

Dear Lord

Can I have a day...
when i don't so easily burst into tears...
when i am don't always hate you so easily...
when my devotion means something to me...
when i can actually remember the wonderful things you did for me...
when i can stop being ungrateful that you saved my life on the way back from echuca...
when i can feel your strength sustain me...
when your presence becomes more important than the circumstances...


Can I have such a day, plus not faint in theatre.

ah, i am trying to be honest here

Why does Masha always speak to the heart?

When it comes to things like self-reflection, personally speaking,
whatever I can remember about the past, are usually not very happy events!
“Ah~so good! That time…was absolutely awesome!” memories like such,
I usually completely forget.
I belong to that generation…when you always want to apologize to people..*laugh*

I never thought that after I grew up, whatever I can remember the most are always things regretful.
Even though I am saying this, I knew I can never go back and start again,
but I would never stop and not move forward just because of that!
Of course, because we are human, there will always be unforgettable regrets remaining in our hearts…
When we did not apologize to people, when we feel we could have done things better… etc
but we cannot stop because of that, we still have to face the future…
A future of better lives, to be of comfort to our past regrets---
most of us would just want to be happy and hopeful.

Talking about music and lyrics and topics as such,
for everything to end on a hopeful note, I think its quite unnecessary
I usually want to make things go in a hopeful direction when I am writing songs,
but now I think it’s ok if I stop trying so hard
When you can’t look forward,
It’s alright to have an ending!

I think its absolutely necessary to have hopeful dreams of the future,
but to always remain hopeful is not easy.
Sometimes we realise things are not easily done, we may still need to accept reality etc
At those times, we won’t be able to walk forward with our heads up,
So what can we do about our inability to stay positive?
Its probably not that bad if we just keep things as they are.
After all not everything has to end on a hopeful note!

My favourite star/most respected person/role model is a non-Christian.
After the initial attraction of cute Prof Galileo, knowing Masha and learning from his life+ thoughts is quite life-changing.
Hey no one ever told me that before! Hey I want to grow up to be like this person! Hey when I am old if I can share inspirational thoughts like him it will be great!
Such thoughts are very rare for skeptical critical me.
The surprising insight + honesty are really two things I do not see very often in the world around me, but what I think are the most important qualities one should have.

I’ve been living in some fear for a long time.
If my role-model is a non-Christian, then does it mean I will find “something else” acceptable? If in the unlikely situation it happens to me.
Or maybe I should stop being anxious of possible future anxiety.

Masha’s words can surprisingly shed light on my spiritual life.
Although I know if I do not have God the weak useless me would not have survived life… and would not be able to become the person I myself am comfortable with…
whatever I can remember about my past Christian walk, are usually not very happy events!
“Ah~so good! That time…was absolutely awesome and uplifting!” memories like such,
I usually completely forget!
or feel very detached about.
Especially during the stressful low times when I most need to recall His amazing past grace, even when I compile a physical list I find it impossible to compile an emotional list.
And the repetitive flashbacks I get the most are the disappointments, the frustrations, the impatience, the failures, the past horrible things I myself have done, the past horrible things other Christians have said in absolute authority etc etc etc…
I just haven’t tried hard enough to forgive + trust.
Or should I say most of the time the words + concept of forgiveness + trust + thanksgiving did not cross my mind at all.
There are many things I need to feel ashamed about, truly ashamed about.
Especially as I am not really doing much about it.

Not only have I forgotten how good + unconditional God has been over the years, I think I have also forgotten how good + unconditional the Christians around me have been over the years.
In or out of the church(but especially within church), I think its just impossible to count how many times people gave me the love and support without expecting returns, and repetitively accepted and tolerated my weaknesses + bad behaviour.
In front of these people I am probably the most immature, irresponsible, rude, passive aggressive, scrutinizing and ungrateful---
While without much self-awareness or remorse.
Despite my usually frequent sorries and thank-yous.

Sorry minna-san.
And I hope I really meant it.

And Masha is really a blessing. :)

all of my days

echuca in 1 week.
i remembered the start of my clinical years, when grp 9 + 11 happily walked on the night streets of bendigo; me and tiff randomly sang P&W as we walked, one of the songs we sang was "all of my days".
and all the cooking me and irene did in bendigo and alexandra: the dumplings with fat oozing out... the fried rice with 6 eggs... the boiled veggies... the midnight ice cream and cheesecakes...
i am just getting old and sentimental.
i youtubed "all of my days" and ended up teary in front of my computer.

those gloomy despairing days when i was plagued by a wide assortment of fears... when i dreaded walking into every tute room... when i dreaded talking to anyone/everyone... when i secretly felt i wanted to jump down from top of austin day before osces...
and yet those are behind me now.
but probably waiting for me again ahead.

we had hot pot w/ our reg the other day.
something i just have to happily show off to everyone about.
it's probably going to be exactly the same as when i left psych.
pathologically dependent of the past, unappreciative of the present.
maybe by the end of echuca i will also have a good cry and hate to leave etc.
its just the norm for me now. 囧

I had not liked my 6 student years at all.
I just wanted to graduate with my friends.
I did not forsee that one day i can end up liking med, enjoying med---
despite the constant supply of failures, abuse and humiliations.

When i was a student I can channel all my emotions elsewhere to things i liked.
I can just be apathetic and detached in my real life.
Now that I am working I dont have the time to do so.
I became emotionally labile.
Maybe I have always been, I just didnt know.

i never realised I am so horridly dependent on others.
maybe echuca will do me some good---
without a reg who will say: dont worry lets get a needle and some iodine and do the shoulder aspirate now, knowing i had some traumatic unsuccessful runs w/ ortho and radiology;
and without a co-intern who readily picks up the phone just to be told off by urology/surg/MRI radiologist, after listening to my various PTSD grumblings...

now its time to wean off.

i feel completely unworthy of such blessings.
but thanks to jules who prayed for me the other night.
even without people around me, the Lord will go before me.
THANK YOU.
i did not know things can one day turn out like this.
and yet my faith is still so fluctuating despite all Your goodness. >___<
Forgive me.

masha spoke of a very very endearing topic:
Last night when I went home...those unwashed clothes...were in a big pile(laugh).
Some clothes can't go in the tumble dryer, but some won't matter, right?
usually takes a machine an hour or so to finish washing.
I thought if i wait a hr for it, then go to sleep, should be alright.
who knows~ I had my dinner, drank a bit of wine, fell asleep on the table.
...as i felt "ah so cold!" I woke up: I just fell asleep like that on the dinner table!
i was like: oh no! dunno if the washing was done yet...
when I went to brush my teeth, I finally looked into the washing machine,
separated the clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry, started the dryer,
brushed my teeth, and went to bed...

I was thinking at that time: Give me back my concert~~~
i just became very impatient with myself doing household chores.
Its true! One moment I was on the stage telling people: SEE YOU NEXT TIME!
---the next moment I ended up shivering at home*laugh*, and still had to wash my clothes...*more laugh*
...at that moment i really wanted to say WHY DONT I JUST DIE...indeed...
though we have machines helping us cleaning up, we really dont have robots who know how to separate clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry!

even masha is so 囧 w/ housework... :D

this is the air i breath...

it took me a long long time to start liking med.
the impression can easily be that because i had a good week i am feeling more positive.
but i think i made the decision end of last week that this is my life, and for the remaining 5 wks in med i will enjoy it as much as i can.
so bad. when i start to like something its usually time for me to go.

maybe the turning point was...after all...the wedding on saturday.
i struggled for quite a while whether or not to go and inspect that front row with increased activity.
when he collapsed onto someone's shoulder i think i stopped struggling.
to my own surprise i actually could make some clinical judgements and knew of what to do in that initial moment of panicked frenzy.
but the feeling really disturbingly became 'chick finding its mother hen'(囧) when lovely ED trained dr jason turned up on the scene and said the lovely words:
ppl in seizure usually can protect their airways, don't worry.
:D having a senior doctor around can really make me feel very very happy.
after all i didn't seriously panick that day, given my atrocious GAD past history. knowing jason was sitting across, danielle was just outside the door, oh and...
andy lim was there somewhere at the back.
:D

i now faintly feel like a doctor.
maybe it is an improvement from early in the year, when i was still so ashamed to call myself by that name.

edmund did many long cases this wk.
and he went to his tutes with his reg friends.
and he signed up to 1 LC 3 SC presentations next wk.
me and wei are very happy, our consciences finally clean. ^-^

wei has been so... altruistic these 2 wks. (and also making personality incongruent remarks..O.O)
to the point that i think about what he did and just want to cry. -__-|||||
no wei has always been altruistic.
but when the target of his altruism is not me but students or histronic nurse in charge i really would like to do this:*hiding my face in shame*
I am a very 囧 aunty... as always.
but i got to listen to student LC as well this week~ and gave them my mcq practice papers~ and they were really thankful~ and i was all hearts and flowers afterwards...
maybe i am just a very soft-hearted 囧 aunty.

despite feeling so nice and soft hearted and not pressured nor anxious...
my yelling at nurses behaviour escalated.
today i had a yelling competition w/ a nurse who threatened to cancel an ambulance for transfer if i did not do a d/c/s when she demanded.
in the end she said she will discuss w/ the nurse in charge and never got bk to me.
i was all furious thinking she just went away and cancelled the ambulance without informing us.
so 5min after posttake i was fuming inside and went straight up there all prepared for a futile 2nd round, dragging wei with me for backup and/or on-call anger management.
only to discover ambulance was ready and discharge stuff was ready and pt was ready to go w/ nil issues.
囧X10 + guilt for being so disinhibited...
but maybe deep down i secretly took pride in it...
*horror*
Lord help me.

pieces

everytime i drive my car there is an impending sense of doom.
on the road i think every car behind me is a police car. when i park i think i will reverse into someone sooner or later, almost did it to tiff's the other day, most likely it will be wei's car, and then it will all be very 囧.
i think my car looks like an dirty toilet seat, or an ugly man with elevated BMI and so disinhibited that he just flashes his tub of lard around for everyone to see.

maybe i am too immature, holding a grudge against a car.
but i probably can't hold a grudge against anyone or anything else.

nowadays i am always working with someone else, unlike the lonesome times in northern.
it is a big relief that even if i get 50pages of bsl >20 and multi chest pains someone will help out.
but such an impression grew stronger by the day, that the other person is always doing much more than me and i am just not doing as much as i should.
especially on days when i feel cold and hungry and thinking abt hot noodles or hot tea or hot water bottle or hot whatever as i go about the ward.

sometimes i also fear i eventually will wake up one day and regret spending so much time in work and wasting my already non-existent youth, just as i regretted those efforts put in pre-clinical years reading pages and pages of stuff i never really understood so i get to say a word or 2 in pbl.
well...
i am a very 囧 aunty and i want a holiday bad and no matter how long the holiday is its not going to be enough.

i bought Eileen Chang's last novel.
i read it all on saturday.
i still "replay" the ending paragraph over and over in my head, and feel very very touched and end up with a dreamy expression on my face----
as i was doing discharge summaries.

i decided to take after my altruistic co-intern's example and offer some help to students when he's busy. the students never contacted me again after initial encounter. 囧... maybe i just have "in fact i don't really have time for you despite saying i do" written all over my face... more 囧...
but the other day i met this girl who was stealthily doing a long case on my patient at a rather late time of the day. and she shrank bk with a anxious guilty expression whenever she saw ppl... even me 囧...
she reminded me a lot of myself.
filled with empathy, i probably had a momentary halo lit up above my head that time. i very kindly gave her my pager and told her to contact for anything.
....but she never contacted me since.
囧more and more....

masha has a new album. on the album cover he has this new 2-min-noodle hairstyle.
i am so horrified that i cant even decide whether i can still like him or not.
surely someone with such horrible taste... >.<.........
still traumatised.... i mean even if say he suddenly gets elevated BMI i think i will understand....
but we will see, maybe he will end up saying some insightful words about his 2min noodles.
or maybe his new album will be so good that i can overlook everything else. ^-^

one of my patients went to pcu. i admitted him. he's demented, can't swallow, non-responsive. He stares blankly at watever during those precious conscious moments.
but his heart rate goes up everytime in anxiety, if his wife was not there holding his hands.
him be confused or alert.
i think my facial muscle spasmed in an attempt to smile when i saw his wife this morning.
but maybe it never did. i just had a tactile hallucination.

our new reg is a reali nice person. wei thinks he's like a soft toy. O.O
am sure wei has a secret list of soft-toy-like ppl, he will just add him to his collection of favourites.
When he goes home they will all come out to play~~~~
i probably still live in horrid anticipatory fascination that i will sooner or later meet a really mean horrible reg, after all those nice ones.
i will save my tears til then.

i somehow miss the last few wks when i don't crave for food and can skip meals without feeling much.
cold weather makes me preoccupied with food.
i feel very very satisfied after a hot meal with hot soup.
and with hot water to follow for the rest of the night.
好幸福~

atrophy

sometimes i wonder if psych gave me the false impression that i am as gd as everyone else and could handle things really well and since i had it first i naturally assume that it is the baseline and probably will continue to be in loss + fear as i maladaptively cope with the rest of the year...
there must be something therapeutic abt the psych ppl that made me function so well for that 11 wks... i remember my anxiety level in the first wks or so was so elevated... but probably how my reg and consultant spoke... just calmed me down... despite the stresses, despite the med covers, i still looked forward to each day.
that miraculous ability to speak in confidence patience and kindness is slowly leaving me...
that eagerness to refine my language everyday, to just want to take after my reg's example and hoping one day i can be as good as her...
no more.
i fear each day that i will be back to my baseline broca atrophy. (and THAT made me fear everything else as well...)
that day isn't far away. >.<
Lord HELP.

R U serious...

R U serious.........
apart from swearing words this is probably the line i invariably wake up saying this week.
and i have indeed become more disinhibited with my choice of words...
if i am still in psych and do a risk ax of myself i will certainly write: verbally abusive, indicative of underlying aggression and poorly controlled impulsivity, need constant monitoring from nursing staff.

but as soon as i walk out of my room such high risk remarks degrade into some superficially calm + jovial depersonalised emotions.

i should be feeling ashamed... but i am so depersonalised that i cant even feel it. >.<

R U serious.......
.....that i am doing this?
i feel so numb when i type up DCS completely uninterested in watever the whole plan was for watever pt i was doing it for.
i felt even less when my patient died in a code blue. when he was lying there i didnt even recognise him. when ppl dragged his half naked body out i did not feel the slightest sympathy nor need to be distressed.
he probably had a much more fruitful life than my methadone lady, but i just didnt care.
i must admit i am not getting much sense of fulfillment out of gen med. despite doing things i felt wat i did were so meaningless.
i miss the cute PW girl who ran to us so happily just to shake our hands, who pout and stared into our faces when we were busy and tried hard not talking to her.
i even miss the aggro man who threatened everyday to kill his treating doctors. i wish i could have just spared him 15 mins to talk about his meds when he was distressed.
gosh i still wished i had the chance to talk to them more, to say goodbye to all of them before i left.
they have their new intern to talk to now. they wont even remember me anymore >.<


I have not been able to recall words from Yukawa-sensei even once this wk.
I was glad that i still can talk with extra patience to old grumpy patients plagued by anxiety/depressive symptoms late at night and get my warm fuzzy feelings when they responded with a smile.
but its not a gd feeling when i realise i treat med students worse than i treat psych patients.
my dear co-intern was patient and supportive throughout. its indeed a bright comic relief mistakenly getting those "sweet" pgs from students with private mobile numbers attached...*cough* hope you have enjoyed being the rose among the thorns~ :D
my reg did not tell me off... not even once. even when i did not do a WR when i was meant to. >.< been having nice regs since start of the year... i will save my tears when i meet a horrible one in future rotations.
i miss the times when i could present so well every wk during psych, taking after my lovely old reg's example, remembering every detail of the pts not even having to look thru the notes for once. broca atrophied again today infront of consultant. >.<
but its only 1st wk. maybe by 3rd wk i will look forward to grilling...
like how i looked forward to M/S grilling from my lovely old consultant who smiled his sweet disturbing smile and wanted to swim in pts' poo. :D
Be hopeful.

during all these silent aggression/depersonalisation, the Lord still spoke to me this wk.
the words in repetition, were just want i needed to survive.
Psalm 90:17 establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands.

Joshua 1:6 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous.
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

nowadays i dont feel insulted/distressed when ppl say occasional harsh words. maybe i have not just depersonalised.
maybe i am coping.
please forgive me for the silent aggression.

Red Moon

it was red moon last night, as i was driving home.
Red moon = kyo, kyoshiro, yuya-san, akari-dono, and yukimura-sama
unfortunately yukimura-sama wont have a birthday this yr.

had 2 reali busy days with minimal decision-making input. Reg kindly informed me that she will be away on monday. likely we will have at least 2 aggressive ppl stepping down into renal failure, one of them also refusing methadone & going into withdrawal, a couple CK+++++ on clozapine, another few of previously uncontactable dissatified families on the phone, plus a big pot of other varieties of biopsychosocial problems to deal with.
No worries. i will still be on adrenaline rush or whatever stress response after trauma from the sunday cover.

Despite all these, i still love psych.
and at least, none of my doctors r horrid ppl uptight and mean to others and irresponsible themselves.
i should really be grateful.

by chance i saw this picture in some website.
She's the most beautiful woman from my memory.
Happy Valentine's Day, Rika Akana.

Beautiful Day

Happy birthday Masha.
I had a good day today, but not because of Masha.
Masha is not my lucky charm and will never be.
But as I grow old, i want to aim to be an honest and insightful person like masha.
and it doesnt matter if i am still going to be over-anxious about everything.
if i am going to lose sleep over my job or watever performances.
if i am still going to be passive and unconfident.
if i am going to be desperate about not getting married in my thirties.
Masha has been like so. i can be like so, and still be a useful person comfortable with myself.

I remember my reg last wk telling my consultant something about when she was feeling overwhelmed on the ward she would come to epping plaza pet paradise to look at baby doggies to de-stress. I was horrified that a person so smart and organised and assertive like her would be overwhelmed by the nurses.
well i think i had a taste of it this wk. I found this one nurse so horrid that comparing to her everyone else were angels.
however experiences with her were actually very entertaining in retrospect.
i will call her Obasan.
our first conversation went like this:
Obasan: (sunddenly with a loud high pitched patronising voice drawing out every last syllable) D-O-C-T-O-RRRRRRR..
YN: Yes? (startled, unconfidently polite)
Obasan: blah blah needs leave medicationnnnn... have you done blah blah's ONL medicationsss????
YN:(uncertain shocked anxiety): I sent blah blah's medications 1 minute ago...(didnt i ? HEY OF COURSE I DID!!!!)
Obasan: (wounded and offended): i was just askkkking i wasnt being rudddde...i was trying to be niccccee and politttte and just asskkkkking uuuu...*for the next 10 mins)
YN: ( 囧X100) *smile X100*: no worries no worries... X100
10mins later
Obasan: SO... have you done blah blah's ONL medicationssss???
YN (in slow primary school teaching rate and clarity of speech): I have written up blah blah's medications 11 minutes ago and sent that in the chute 10 minutes ago and it should be in pharmacy now.
Obasan:*pause* *pause* *pause* (confused look thinking hard for 5 mins)
YN: *in a frozen stupified 囧 state now*
5mins later
Obasan: OKKKK then... just leave it to meeeeee... i will sort it outtttt....
YN: *still in stupified 囧 state wondering if i was thought-disordered or her*

囧is my best friend.
she would be terrorising other nurses at 12pm about 8am bloods for a patient, 2 hrs after the results were documented in the notes right infront of her.
If she was asked gently and politely of something she would immediately turn and loudly command another nurse: DOCTORRRR wants u to give the information for....
To avoid hearing her chasing voice, i came in early today and prepared all the discharge paperwork in front of the folder for reg. No effect. Reg got patronisingly spoken to as soon as she arrived at the nursing station.
Obasan: (demanding like the queen of the ward) blah blah is getting discharged todayyyyyy... you havent done any of the paperworkkkkk blah blah blah....
before i could turn back and tell her firmly that things were done I heard something that just made me laugh~
Obasan: *flipping open the folder to proven her point*---*saw paper work there*---*paused*---then to reg:
SEE! I already put the paperwork there for you to signnn, i even put stickers on for youuuuu...
It was just so childishly horrid to the point of being hilarious.
but she "worked" REALLY hard. not even having lunch by half past 2. as i looked at her with horrid fascination i realised that if i dont use my brain efficiently but always saying i am busy and working hard and not having lunch...
I would be as HORRID as her.

I had to run away at lunchtime. New reg being so nice offered to take the admission herself so i could sort things out. >.<
much thanks to wei's timely help my salary package is finally sorted out. i was still too overwhelmed to even talk then. when i came back worried that i took too long, i realised with great relief that my prev consultant hadnt done his teaching session yet and i could still attend.
Then i spotted my prev reg in the reg's office typing up d/c summaries. consultant and reg caught up and i just felt happy to see them again.
i think i felt rather attached deep down.
i think because of them i started to like my job, despite my complete lack of confidence.
During last week everyday driving on the road i felt like i want to burst into tears. i think i am just too grateful they were so nice then and didnt contribute in anyway to exacerbate my sense of trauma or self-pity.
But i wont be talking about them too much from now on. Anything more would be pathological.

This week i felt better. At least no longer bursting into tears in the car. Peaceful relations at home. I am like an Alzheimer patient after some anxious distraught traumatic uncertainty period finally received my sentence. the acceptance of the inevitable made me calm.

I will not forget what has been most important.
God has been so merciful in the past few weeks.
So merciful that sometimes i wonder if terrible me is really worth all that trouble..
if i have no confidence that i will continue endeavour to commit and surrender in the future.
when i knelt down in distress He listened and made things happen, without needing much patience on my behalf.
if not for His strength I would have took everything out on fob tabloids and not be committed to my work at all.
if not for His blessing I would not have had such nice tolerant non-stressful doctors who were so easy to work with.
and maybe... I NEEDED this PSYCH rotation at this particular time to cope with all these.
I am still really scared that my offering would be made out to be Matt 15:5-6 when it really wasnt the case. >.<

I have emptied it all. i feel much better. Now i can rest and enjoy my weekend.

Happy Birthday Masha~

masha is turning 40 this friday.
the thought of that made me very happy too.
Happy birthday Masha, I hope you will have a very very good time.
And thank you for all your encouraging words.

last year i have decided that when i start to earn money i will support my favourite stars and buy non-pirated stuff.
Anyways i will start with Masha. :D
will also check online dvd stores for some of the BBC series i had wanted to watch for a long long time...
and cant wait till saturday when i can go shopping! will bring home beloved sherlock, hugging it all the way on the train. *hearts*(i hope reader's feast will still have stock...>.<)
i have been out of touch with non-fob stuff for a long time. only realised recently that a new Sherlock movie is in the making... starring robert downey jnr. To me his crude hollywood feel REALLY doesnt suit holmes, but we will see...

i feel better on the psych ward now. Sometimes yukawa-sensei's word just flash before my eyes and make me touched:
There is no useless gear in this world. Each gear will have to determine its own use.
its an interesting saying to reflect upon in the psych ward.

i realised i will never get the Suzuki SX4 that i liked.
but i still want to see Turkey and Spain sometime in the next few years.
and i still want to visit sherlock in london.

i guess i will always find a way to make things happen, if i first make it clear to myself that i want them bad enough.

ha~ maybe abnormal

Mum made sure things are miserable at home.
i am ashamed to say that my road rage has recently resurfaced, speeding, breaking hard, swearing inside my head, almost went thru a red light today. >.<
While feeling so labile this morning, reg's nice words almost made me cry. Maybe there is indeed this special species of "female asian non-melbourne doctors" who are just so similarly extra kind and tolerant: Danielle, GP last year, tiff-like reg who leaves by the end of the week. >.<
Consultant has been extra nice. despite my poor english and broca's atrophy, the mental state grilling after each ward round has been what i've enjoyed most about this job.

Thank you irene for being my bucket this lunchtime. >.<
hopefully can find alison tomorrow in ED. Aliken on leave will probably enjoy the company of "Ken-chan"... :D

i am weaning myself off the excessive tabloids, and will go back to writing.
I feel too old to waste time.
Hopefully avolition will not escalate, and I can perservere.

Masha is officially turning 40 next month, working as hard as ever. He recently wrote a new song dedicated to his grandma, with 2 lines of the lyrics as following:
encountering others, trusting others, being hurt by others
hating others, forgiving others, then understanding others

this coming from Masha, is really... enough for me.

I discovered another beautiful chinese tv series while feeling miserable: The adventure story of a king and his grp of friends helping ppl in distress and punishing bad ppl. Story funny and simple, but full of traditional flavour and the dialogues were just beautiful: beautiful classic vocab and lots of references to ancient literature, but so well put that even children can understand and be educated.
Really felt like something I would have enjoyed as a child.

The king was played by a not so well-known twnese actor, often seen playing baddies or DV men in those really auntie shows.囧...
but he looked SO GOOD in period costume...
and he looked a lot like Masha...
and he does this Galileo laugh in the series...

Something to enjoy definitely.
King
King and friends*大心*

"normal"

I had a good day today.
this morning reg and consultant, with full smiles, came over to the HMO office after ECT, just to pick me up to go to breakfast with them. Consultant shouted us coffee, and reg waved to the counter lady: tax invoice tax invoice please! then turning to consultant: you need to salary package... blah blah blah~ LOL
then had lunch with reg... reg as petite as tiff... she ate this massive plate of chips.. o.O then consultant gave me and reg a tute on depression after lunch. He also suggested us to read Kafka. He found his works of interest in a psych way, very fine examples of thought disorders and ambivalence... o.O
i stayed "late" to the other HMO's horror, but finished most of the paperwork. slowly doing things more efficiently now.

i think i have been feeling very lonely at work, seeing mad ppl and nurses ONLY most of the time. I dont get a chance to run into ppl on wards or corridors. i dont get a chance to even lanpage ppl cos no one lanpages on the psych ward and it just doesnt work on the computers.
normal human contact can just make me very happy.
even wen i look back to my sunday cover i really wasnt so "traumatised". I actually felt good in a sense, able to talk to bei, occasionally paging sanka, and nice med reg always just a phone call away...
and the reason why monday morning was so "refreshing", was that reg and I did paperwork together and we chatted as we did things.

i liked psych so far, but i do realise the potential horror of it.
The sense of isolation can just be so overwhelming when you are flooded with mad ppl all day.
and i dont know... even though the med nurses were annoying with their pages...and i seriously derealised and depersonalised under pressure, but they just felt more "normal" and didnt make me feel so..."by myself"---in similar ways as how mad ppl made me feel.
thought hard about it, still cant rationalise my feelings.
and i thought i am so otaku that i would never mind being on my own... i never realised i only become really "on my own" when i cannot turn to the support of fobby stuff i enjoyed...

anyways nothing concrete, my impression of everything in 8 wks time may be very different.

reg told me the other day, rather sympathetically:
lots of psychiatrists are gay, many are lesbians, the rest have a 50% divorce rate.

LOL what a bleak prospect..

but i guess if one is in the habit of psychoanalysing everyone and does professional naming calling to those closest, its really not a surprise for one to end up divorced.
psych doctors dont have the right to look down and disrespect everyone else, deluded that they have the power of mind reading.
neither does a church person have the right to look down on the mental health system, just because they dont get such troubles.

mum has refused to allow me shouting her and dad a CNY dinner.
she sent out the message clear. i really want NOTHING, but ur obedience to my beneficial directions for u in life.
I cant help but think about what i read and remembered as a child: a magistrate who doesnt embezzle can be 10 times more horrible than a magistrate who does.
she has a long standing habit of making ppl feel bad during times of celebration.
but when i was driving, i saw an awesome number plate: FC 8888.
It made me laugh, and feel very 过年.
and i will go shopping tomorrow and forget about all that.

psychoed

first week in psych. reg is assertive but nice, same surname as tiff, similar height as tiff, dress sense similar too. first few days I did have to think for half a second before i called out her name.
consultant is new but also nice. he can tell the most disturbing sarcastic joke with the calmest and kindest smile. We were informed that HDU is due to close for plumbing problems, and he cheerfully suggested we could be all swimming in patients' poo. If i wasnt so stressed i would have had a gd laugh, at how disturbing his thoughts can be. i did some terrible mental states, but at least remembered the negative symptoms of schizo. He may still find me vaguely educatable, and hence suggested that he will educate me more next wk when we get time.
all sounds good, but---

i see a me in every psych patient i see.

the man with the strong religious ideations, who would not let anyone use any inappropriate words to describe his beliefs.
the woman who distresses and bothers every staff on the ward and later apologises profusely to everyone's disgust, on a daily basis.
the man who attempted suicide and later so cheerfully said he's so grateful that he was saved. He would hate to part with his love---his roomful of star trek collections.
I frowned and so quickly pulled away from that childish labile woman who cried to me in distress: I dont want to talk! Talking doesnt help! Let me go home! Medication didnt help me at all!
and 10 hrs later I did and said exactly the same things, kneeling beside my bed in distress:
i dont want to talk! praying doesnt help! church stuff wont help! i want to be back in SH...

i do this to God...
so I wont have to do this to other people...
so i wont have to do this in HDU...
so ...

I never thought i am "LUCKY" when mum doesnt want me to pay home monthly after working, i knew other demands would come, but i underestimated how quickly they would come.
and in such a disgusting way they came.

i still have my choices, could easily ignore her.
but i cant pull myself out of the anger and misery now.
the thought of having to drag myself to a different church this arvo made me more miserable and i have decided not to even try.
and i dont know how much stress i can handle tomorrow in such a state.

I used to think my first pay can at least make me excited and motivated for a short while.
It probably wont.
and it will probably become like Cain's offering, when i am feeling so terrible.

end of last yr i strangely thought to myself...
if intern year gets really bad... i still want to live till i see Masha playing Sakamoto Ryoma in the 2010 taiga drama.
it may come to use, when i am feeling bad and become so short-visioned and amotivated.
Just like how we have to rely on that man's star trek when planning his discharge.
So terrible.

antibiotics, anhedonia, ugly uncles... and the rest

I am back.
Whenever i think of those words, the image of red haired kenshin smiling under a bright blue sky always appears before my eyes.
the shanghai church I used to go to was renovating and temporarily closed, and kinder friend is away in the US, so i went to another church.
It was such a good church.
over 2 weeks I heard 2 pastors preaching really insightful life-related sermons. this is like the first time i heard china pastors preaching insightful sermons.
I was so amazed.
and the church has really clean toilets. many aunties in the toilet were saying with great satisfaction: hey the toilet here is really good...blah blah... :D
who knows? who knows if someone would come to church... for the clean toilets?


Abuse
to save family from fear anxiety and bad mood following any minor sickness i squandered money and excessively self-medicated traditional anti-inflammatories +/- antibiotics at the earliest sign of a mucousy throat throughout my stay in china.
and i didnt get a cold.
and family was happy.
and because of that i am happy, in my sense of achievement, like an absolute medical illiterate.

Anhedonia
my local hairdresser was handsome and looked alot like leehom, and he was friendly and kind and flattered me saying i looked only 20...
but i was scared of being ripped off and lied through my teeth telling him i was pov and from kunming... o.O
and i was too anhedonic to establish any meaningful conversation despite all his sweet talking efforts.

when i walked out from my home in shanghai there was always a group of neighbouring old ladies sitting outside gossiping/cleaning veggies/enjoying the wintry sun.
i disliked them cos i was too anhedonic to greet gossiping strangers and be friendly to them everytime i walked out of my house.
but when i dragged my luggages out on the last day the group of them sitting there all warmly waved me goodbye, even the ones i never bothered to look or smile at.
i was touched, and felt bad.

i think anhedonia is a bad thing.

Ugly uncles
i think i am falling in love with chinese historical dramas again.
over the years i became very disillusioned with those, when they invariably attempted to paint emperor characters as heroes, portraying dictating self-righteousness as a majestic air, and cruel stupid sacrifice of their subordinates as intelligent noble necessity.
completely lacking the humane touch and interesting characters of jap taiga dramas.
but this time i watched a good one... a really good one.
and i watched 50 episodes in 3 days.
i became interested in this series because one of my favourite uncle actors was playing the genius prime minister and his rich scholarly girlfriend was played by one of my favourite actresses.
well might give it a try just to watch the cute couple, as i thought.

the story turned out to be surprisingly engaging, history simple but not downgraded, details and dialogues made so interesting that even my grandma enjoyed the political and military stuff in the series.
most importantly, the king character, who unconditionally supported the prime minister, was surprisingly sincere, honest and convincing.
he was played by a really ugly uncle actor who used to play handsome & morally suspicious businessman characters in many series, hence i disliked him.
but now i am all hearts over the ugly king, and his smart ascetic girlfriend.
when a chinese historical drama is good... nothing can compare.

the genius prime minister
the ugly uncle king

Red Cliff
New year i watched Red Cliff I on TV...
surprisingly good. so glad i didnt miss it.
I resisted seeing it cos I could not accept the idea of Takeshi Kaneshiro playing Zhuge liang. To me he's the typical brainless handsome man who can never handle such a genius character.
yet he was beyond my expectation. by the end of the movie he convinced me that he was Zhuge liang.
much better than tony leung, despite his frequent appearances and that revitalised face, could not convince me that he was Zhou yu.
and i cringed every time he was going mushy with that taiwanese lady. they must be one of the most horrid screen couples.
but but... to my joy... i saw the lovely ugly king again in Red Cliff :D he was playing Lu su, the Waston-like good-hearted sidekick to Zhou yu, who's also kind and friendly to Zhuge liang. *all hearts again*
Really looking forward to Red Cliff II, and hoping for the unlikely opportunity to see it somewhere on big screen.

KIDS
when i was straightening my hair and feeling rather anhedonic, this little glasses boy sat down opposite me.
his mother was busy doing hair and just left him in the hands of the hairdressers, who left him there for like 20mins+...
he has really high rising eye brows which gave him a perpectual startled lost expression on him face...
poor kid...
he was really shy... hesitated lots and spoke very little as the hairdresser asked him questions. only when the hairdresser was about to start his job the boy finally said some words...
surprisingly clear... stating wat he wanted with a very professionally hairdressing, almost anatomical term...
everyone who heard it was rather impressed.
he was unmoved, went back to his silent startled face.
*all hearts*
i used to think only stupid binge-eating kids are cute.
now i've changed my mind. smart kids can be really cute too.

the olympics lip syncing girl now does many ads.
she has the most sickening attention-seeking smile on her face.
everytime i see her on tv i want to hit her.
maybe i have the potential to be a child abuser. o.........O

Suspect X
My face was beaming with love when i saw the cover of "yougisha X no kenshin" in the bookshop.
could not believe i finally own a copy of it.
raced home with excitement, read it over and over again.

when i read it first i felt no sympathy towards ishigami-sensei.
only the noble words of yukawa-sensei touched me.
this time as i read it again and again, i suddenly found Ishigami-sensei really touching as well,
as he is meant to be.

things-to-get
i thought for many years: when i get my first salary the first thing i will go and buy is a set of annotated sherlock holmes.
as this day draws close, i guess i have to decide that there are much more important things to do, much more important stuff to buy.
so dear sherlock has to wait a while more.
and after sherlock...
i will buy non-pirated masha CDs & DVDs... and other favourites...
and...
and...
and...
I have alogia, avolition, anhedonia... and zero confidence.
and I start working the day after next.
>___<
ganbatte ne to myself.