My Favourite Physicist

the movie Yougisha X no Kenshin (容疑者Xの献身)will be shown in less than 1 month time.
in elated anticipation i went back and had another read of the novel highlights---
---and realised...
Its not because of Masha that I started to like Yuka-sensei, its because of Yuka-sensei that I started to like Masha.
and its more because of Yuka-sensei in the novel than in the tv series.

Yougisha X no Kenshin is so popular, because its a touching story about a perfect crime committed sacrificially by a mathematician for the person he loves.
However I was 10 times more touched by Yuka-sensei when i read of him saying the following words:
这个世上没有无用的齿轮，也只有那个齿轮能决定自己的用途。
There is no useless gear in this world, and only that gear itself can determine its use.
only after all the mysteries unfolded in the story can you realise how noble and merciful those words were.
*tears streaming down like seaweed* Yuka-sensei~ *hearts*

Ending theme for the movie is beautiful, Masha wrote & composed & played the song so of course :D


i went in for a 4-hr cover-shift with Danielle tonite... initially thought i will just leave abit early and crash young adults later. then had a IV for a old man and failed twice... 囧... (and I feel sorry for him cos he's frail and demented and couldnt complain or refuse or yell at stupid med student...)more 囧...
so wen everything is done its already 930... and hence: me so tired so i will just drive home now... despite having taken most of the day off and had a haircut and enjoyed myself with food and various other things.

but otherwise it was peaceful and slack and we had a prolonged dinner. :D danielle was telling me about the impossible work load and i advised her to utilise her med students as much as possible next wk *LOL　I hope Alison wont mind...* :D
and i told her about able to do my devotion every morning now b4 WR starts and feeling much happier b/c of that, and also about spotting a doctor in the northern who looked like Masha in his youth... *大心+ giggle + 害羞地跑开* :D
It was really good catching up and I am happy :D

so yeh these days still 囧 but happily running forward~

The "囧"ness of life

recently 囧is the most fashionable word in chinese culture.
wat does it mean? well just imagine this character to be a face, and think about in what circumstances ppl would show such a face... :D

well first list a few of the very 囧things I did in the past wk:
IVs on monday... forgot to release the tourniquet and keeps on trying to clean away the blood. in the end the old lady released the tourniquet herself. and then i was freaked out thinking she will die of a clot. went on medtrak the next day to see if shes still in hospital... nope she was not. relieved but still 囧...

told by intern to call pediatric ward... not only i dun know the switchboard number... i also had broca's atrophy and dun remember the word "switch"... more 囧

friday morning woke up at 430 for no reason... felt so tired and angry at self for waking up so early so turned off my alarm and decided to sleep thru the day. drifted bk to semi consciousness but suddenly heard someone calling out my name in my delusion... jumped up and realised its 515... 囧.... definitely cant sleep after that so in the end actually made it to 6oclock ward round... 囧.......

friday nite after leaving kat's party for some reason took the lift and went into the wrong car park. wen i realised its not right the door behind me wat locked and couldn't get myself out of that dark deserted carpark... 囧... called dora in distress, then dora and jeremy came to my rescue and got me out... 呜呜呜~ this is indeed very 囧...

and the most 囧 thing is: i used to laugh at my dad for listening to fob brainless chinese radio station wenever hes driving. and these days i listen to it all the time wenever i drive... and i reali enjoy it... 囧


anyways these days busy and tired and inadequate... some days reali felt 2 Cor 12:9 was the only real thing to me. O....O but actually felt less negative and more focused in God so yeh will keep trusting His strength and work in me. :D

talking abt 囧ness it reminds me of one very 囧 thing i saw a long time ago. Once in SH i was shopping with a friend, we stopped at a jewellery stall and spotted a metallic cross pendant with a black plaque in the middle. looked very nice but wen we scrutinised closely... we saw 2 shiny characters inscribed on the plaque...
......
........
......................
the inscription read: F4.

yep thats it for now... next wk 囧 episode 2...

funny quotes

2 quotes i saw today made me laugh:

1.爱情就像两个拉着橡皮筋的人，受伤的总是不愿意放手的那个.
Love is like 2 people holding an elastic band, the one who gets hurt is always the one who refuses to let go.

the next one is extremely funny...
2. 在此呼吁大家，学会修自己的笔记本……嗯，学会修自己的笔记本是很重要的……从前有个人，他不会修自己的笔记本……后来的事情大家都知道了
Here I am making a plea to everyone: learn to fix your laptop...yeh...to be able to fix your own laptop is very important...once upon a time there was a man, he didn't know how to fix his laptop...and we all know what happened after that.

Masha@Olympics

i haven't been watching the olympics... but...
masha is in beijing interviewing jap swimmers. some pictures:


and apparently some ppl spotted him shopping in some beijing shops. O.O
i wish i could be in beijing just to spot him in the crowd... *starry eyes*

anyways after 2 months of frequent nausea and dark mood and wanting to make everyone feel miserable... mum finally went to endoscopy and discovered she has a small sliding hiatus hernia.
she checked her chinese medical disctionary and now adamantly believes that she has a hole in her oesophagus... "its a hole its a hole its a hole!" she tried to convince me by emphasizing > 10 times. *who on earth did that horrid translation... >.<
anyways i hope this nausea and dark mood and making everyone feel miserable will end soon. i really hope to have more patience but this week i am really losing it. >.<

a possibility of...

There is a possibility that something really really terrible has happened.
I will look back to this post with possible feelings at extreme ends:
either i will laugh my head off at myself freaking out---
or i will be in a prostrate pitiable state shaking in fear.
and I dunno how long this uncertainty will last for.

Lord please please help me to trust in you and stay in your peace. Really need your help and guidance in this.

Long Vacation

These days i am watching a jap drama called Tomorrow. Having watched numerous medical dramas.. team medical dragon, say hello to black jack, white tower... all of them just felt like: yeh i am just watching a story... made up in some person's mind. Tomorrow really made me feel i am watching real hospital real doctors and real nurses.

Initially started watching cos of Takenouchi Yutaka. I used to love him heaps and buy all his jap drama series..*hearts* but then i din like Rondo by him and that korean lady... >.< and he was absent from TV for quite some time...

Tomorrow has really rekindled my passion for him. he plays a surgeon. =D
and tiff knows me too well. wen i told her abt this awesome medical drama i am watching and how i reali like the actor, she asked: so... 40 yo man again?
Indeed, TY is approaching 40 too. looking at him made me wish: if he is my consultant i will not sleep nor eat but learn my Harrisons or watever surg equivalent in a wk just to impress him... *starry eyes*


TY comforting a traumatised nurse in the first episode *hearts hearts*

on a more serious note tomorrow i start another semester. for most of the time this year I felt very inadequate defeated and unmotivated, i felt i despise people much more than i love people, many fears persisted in my heart for no reason. i really hope this will be no more. As said in "long vacation": when lots of bad things and failures come to you, just take it as being blessed by a long vacation.
though corny this line never fails to touch me.
so yeh tomorrow let the long vacation end. =D

Avolition

dear dear
holiday is almost half gone...
my avolition is so bad this holiday that i feel tired and unmotivated to do everything... wake up at 9... have ready made breakfast lunch and dinner... turn on my computer and read 八卦 or do absolutely nothing.. only managed to write 2 very short blogs and nothing else... >.<
unmotivated to go out... unmotivated to shop...
one day i will be unmotivated to eat... unmotivated to get out of bed.. @___@
and my iatrogenic blood loss yesterday probably gave me more excuse to be so 宅... >.<
i still feel dizzy today, so ended up sitting on the carpet and cleaning away part of my bookshelfs. Mum didn't interrogate me regarding my whereabouts in the city or my swollen lips... she probably thinks that i had too much seafood at hotpot and have angioedema.. @___@ good... i dun want to be showered with lectures about 不自量力 and excessive chicken & beef soup etc etc..
i am still sad about the fact that i could no longer give blood unless i become a fat aunty... >.< or maybe i just find it too hard to give up this not-so-difficult act of altruism and have to face my selfishness and uselessness.

on another note...i love Prince *hearts*.. who's always so happy and friendly to strangers. =D

failed

i am just going to say:
my flesh and my heart has failed so miserably... plus watever else have also failed miserably.
i hope i still have enuf nerves to carry myself thru this exam...
maybe i should pay the price and be prepared to accept wat i do not want... if i am lucky.

Lord help... plz let me look back on this and know your promise still stands true.

wat ifs

interviews bring back memories.
i reali cant remember anything abt my premed interviews except i had reali nice tempura for lunch b4 my unsw interview, and i accidentally walked into a scientology bookshop after my adelaide interview and bought a book thinking its christian stuff... O.O
watever reasons i said i wanted to do med in the first place i guess one of my main motives was to be able to shut my mum up if i can get in the top course. but in the end she din shut up but expected more. i remember well wen i saw i got melbourne med and was happy then got told off by her: "i should be feeling happy now but i am not." because she adamantly believed uni ppl should all have part time jobs and support themselves, because i did not manage to find a part time job and hence i was lazy and had a bad attitude in not trying hard enough...
i am very very thankful these terrible times are no more.

i sometimes think about whether I will be more satisfied with life and not feel so much distress, if i do not have much of a brain and did a simple course like nursing and graduate after 3 yrs and have enuf money to go to good morning every month and afford new clothes every season and be eager to look pretty and girly so i can attract watever doctor male coming my way, whether he be weird or ugly, schizoid personality or elevated bmi. and then get married early and hero worship my husband for his intelligence and money earning capacity and do not mind even if he in his sense of superiority shows me no respect, but can just feel happy to stay at home watching satellite tv all day and still get my LV bags and David Jones shopping spree...

these days things can easily reduce me to tears: dad bringing me a chocolate when mum is chucking a fit at home, sensible insightful Christian book talking about "salvation cringe", funny stupid manga Urusei Yatsura which is surprisingly touching and meaningful, kind words of friends in the same distressed boat...

i wish i can be like tiff and still trust God and give thanks from the heart even in terrible times. but i prayed abt pbl for 5 yrs and things only went from bad to worse and i just cant stop cringing when i think about tmr...

but wait a minute, one thing i can indeed always give thanks from the heart: Lord I thank you for the 5 yr plus of med course and for the beautiful group of meddies who have always there these years. if i go back to 6 yrs ago and choose again, i will do exactly the same.
please help me to cling on those words for this wk, and for all the future days to come:
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

and I am thankful pbl times are no more.

Happy stuff--Nippon Fever 2

Well lets talk about happy stuff...

the very wonderful Fukuyama Masaharu... as mentioned many times before in my blogs...
lovely prof Galileo turns 40 this year. really looking forward to his Yogisha X no Kenshin--The Sacrifice of Suspect X. =D

next... Muroi-san!!! played by Yanagiba Toshiro. hmm... quite.. old and ugly but i still love Muroi-san from Odoru Daisousasen. =D

next... a recent obsession. Sakai Masato is so beautiful in period dramas... here is him on the left, playing the most memorable Okita Souji in "When the Last Sword is Drawn".

and lastly... my most favourite Maya Miki:
she is so beautiful and talented... *starry eyes* and she is 44, her favourite pastime is eating hotpot... O.O i wish i can look half as beautiful as her even now...
dreaming to be such a beautiful aunty wen i am middle-aged.. =D

Masako says...

Masako is the female alter-ego of Fukuyama Masaharu... famous jap singer and actor who runs his own radio show... sometimes speaks in a womanly voice as "Masako" to answer questions exclusively from female audiences. =D
sounds disturbing yeh?
but apart from his talents, hes also a person reali serious about life, who never went to uni in his youth but still able to have such honest and meaningful insights about many things...
and someone I really respect.

my favourite and most memorable masako saying:

a 28yo female tells Masako: I am scared that I will always be single, i really hope to marry soon...
Masako says: If you can use your own hard-earned money, do things you would like to do yourself, this is really, "happiness" to a degree.
After you are attached, your life will be differnt.
Why always worry about not getting married? You should enjoy singlehood while you can.
It will be great if you can really appreciate and grasp this kind of happiness.
So when you are attached in the future, you can enjoy another kind of happiness.

very touched...
this especially coming from the most handsome single man in japan... *hearts*

see more of what Masako says at: http://hk.myblog.yahoo.com/dpanhk/

Accounts of a Rebellious Heart

Talking about myself being bad after I have been bad... is a good coping mechanism. At least I have the sense of security that "i am not bad at the present".
LOL
to be quite honest i have become increasingly not accepting of many things... things i used to listen and just accept as right I now have many doubts and objections and really wonder how can people treat such serious matters as mere mockery...
but i am so ignorant myself... the only thing i can do is trust and pray.
a month or so ago a friend from KM cried to us for help as a family relative fell gravely ill... as a gd enthusiastic Christian I offered to pray and said all the comforting words i could say...with great certainty. o.O but as the relative's condition deteriorates despite our prayers... I found myself ineffectual...hesitant...without words to say...and wen i was told abt the relative's passing away... the only thing i replied was: I really don't know wat i can say now... -___-|||||
after that my spirit felt very poisoned and during the same wk the chinese experienced a frenzy regarding the "five congenital infections" and i felt if i say one word wrong the friendship i built up over the yrs would be gone in a puff...
so.. for a week or so i sank low in my own emotional trauma and thought prayer doesn't do anything and ignored God.
After recovering from my own frenzy I was hit with the insight---
that wen we pray its not that we have more special connections with a powerful deity so we could gain whatever we wish for.
we pray because we admit we do not know... we admit we are not going to have inside knowledge about anyone's future, we admit we are so weak that we could not influence others or even change ourselves, and we admit that we really know too little about the pains and troubles of the world.
But we trust someone knows and loves.

nothing more to say:
Thank God for His mercy.
and I hope i will have an opportunity to explain and say sorry to ppl... -___-|||

A primitive taste for the not-so-pleasant~

I am reading Judges from the OT now. this reminds me----
When I was very young i owned a set of Bible story comics.
When I was in primary school I was the model student but the time I paid attention in class was minimal. During a class i very often let my mind drift free in the world of chinese history stories or Bible stories, while sitting still to please the teacher.
During homework time I devoted many brain cells to my own "mathematical" dilemma, Bible-related too. Noah's ark in chinese translates "a square boat". My underdeveloped brain back then could only visualise a massive rectangle but not a massive square so attempting to draw the biggest square i could on any pieces of paper had been a favourite pastime. Another fascination stemmed from a much more disturbing origin: the Levite cutting his concubine into 12 pieces. So even more time was spent on drawing a gingerbread figure and hoping to divide it into 12 equal pieces. I never succeeded back then obviously.
Nowadays I cringe bad when I read Judges 19 and seriously believe certain sections of the Bible should be rated at least MA. I really look back with horrid fascination, at how I managed to derive so much enjoyment out of such a terrible story when I was young. -_-|||||

The complete Judge Dee Mysteries by Robert Van Gulik has been my prized possession ever since I was 10. Re-reading them these days simple reminds me that my love for certain things just never dies. I enjoy them these days, largely for the profound humanity and pain reflected thru the stories but i do suspect a long time ago, I have loved the stories for much simpler reasons.
Bad people did bad things, a very smart good guy came along and solved everything and punished the baddies and made everyone happy. The end.
It was a beautiful touching simplicity.
And I love most the books which can be appear so simple and be enjoyed as a child, but as one advances in age, can always see new ideas and thoughts revealed through the same old simple stories.

to understand

I haven't been writing here but many thoughts have been brewing in my head.
i really couldn't say i enjoy mission trip talks very much, especially wen people get to the component of describing the local people, how worldly they are and how much they are in need of God, then everyone listening would show concerned faces and start praying for the special people who really need God...
NO i am not saying thats bad.
i am just thinking that if ever missionaries from another country come to australia, in describing the local people they probably would say: the australian ppl only care abt easter bunnies and chocolates during easter, and their christmas is only a materialistic gift exchange ritual... they really need God, then everyone listening would show concerned faces and start praying for the special australians...
well... lots of times we couldn't help ourselves feeling a slight sense of superiority when we hear the description of the special people who need God bad, at least I couldn't before I realised this with horror. well maybe everyone else praying for mission trips have nobler souls.
i think we all need God equally bad... whether we r long term church goers or cannibals in some unknown tropical islands. Charactestics, habits, cultures and behaviours do not make us need God more or less. ppl from conservative families shouldn't look at ppl who are sexually lenient with some sort of horror and think their lives are more messed up than ours. we who just never had that temptation doesnt mean we are better people who need to humble less.
and are stereotype "insights" about people really insights? people everywhere are different, very much within their own cultural group. probably by generalising from wat we see(aren't we merely scratching a fraction of a surface most of the time?)we have really missed out what more people out there would need?
if we are just happy to scratch the surface and eager to show our concerned faces, if we have no intention to understand more before we jump to many conclusions, are we really showing Christ's love to a different group of people?

i cringe each time when i hear speakers on the pulpit laughing or condemning with horror, of other religions' practices. and i cringe more to hear many people laughing along.
do we really understand enough to justify such a laugh? if ever we have the right to laugh or condemn or put lightly these things?
if so christianity will be subject to many laughs: their saviour is this madman who got killed like a prisoner. they have some erotic poems in the middle of their bible. who wants to take those things seriously?
and to many condemnations: their God is this freak who even kill women and children! how horrible are those people who believe that religion?
well in such cases many keen God warriors would want to argue... you are just seeing it with a wrong attitude, and you are not reading the full scripture and reading it deep to understand God! we will pray for your change of mind because you are wrong about these things.
well... in this case, what unpleasant things are we doing to others that we would tell other ppl off for if they do it to us? by merely seeing the surface, and say: it looks so horrible! why do people want to belive such a horrible religion?
well, maybe there is a reason for such things, and one that at least makes sense to the human mind.
and more than enough to justify basic respect even if we do not think they are real or true.
and if we are really fired and called to rebuke, spend the time to learn and understand before we speak, would be a very gracious thing to do.

hummm.. i dun know how this turned out like this... sunday after church i watched many episodes of bayside shakedown and wrote quite a bit of AKIRA and talked to friends from yunnan... so i should be in a really happy easy mood.. O....O
i will go and pray now... i probably will be scared of my own harsh words wen i read it next... O....O

Happy birthday Yukimura-sama

I have to wait for 4 years to say this...
even though the samurai deeper kyo manga has long finished. I still remember Yukimura sama from time to time, with much fondness.
the man with great wisdom, great strength, yet always so kind and gentle and treats his 10 servants like brothers...
*hearts*
and who is always so beautiful. =D

Happy birthday Yukimura-sama.

and the lyrics from "invisible wings"

每一次都在徘徊孤单中坚强
每一次就算很受伤也不闪泪光
我知道我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞,飞过绝望

不去想他们拥有美丽的太阳
我看见每天的夕阳也会有变化
我知道我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞, 给我希望

我终於看到所有梦想都开花
追逐的年轻歌声多嘹亮
我终於翱翔用心凝望不害怕
哪里会有风就飞多远吧

不去想他们拥有美丽的太阳
我看见每天的夕阳也会有变化
我知道我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞给我希望

我终於看到所有梦想都开花
追逐的年轻歌声多嘹亮
我终於翱翔用心凝望不害怕
哪里会有风就飞多远吧

隐形的翅膀让梦恒久比天长
留一个愿望让自己想像

chinese song & snow storm

Good old eaglewood dust, i realised i started writing this in 2004... Gee u r really old.
But I miss you.
Lots has happened during my few months absence from this blog. Went to Kunming, started new semester, went to Dookie etc.
Now I am writing this from an Alexandra Hospital consulting room computer.
And life has been good to me.

in a few months time I will probably will write a blog saying that life is so traumatising.. when i do job application and interviewing etc... O______O

when i was driving to alexandra there was this bit of road (the bit wen kev and HC did a race on our trip to eildon some yr ago LOL) that made me reali awake. my mind suddenly drifted to this story i read when i was in china:

some children of country workers working in a big city took a long distance coach to visit parents for chinese new year. on the road the snow storm came and the coach became trapped in the snow for 8 days. When the children were rescued they were asked if they ever felt hopeless during that time.
the reply was no. and they said: when we feel afraid, we just sing "invisible wings".

ah, invisible wings
its that feel-gd fob song by this girl with a reali immature voice.

i started humming it...
and i felt really really really touched this time when I go through the lyrics.

maybe i will load the chinese up when i go home and get chinese stuff on computer.

random thoughts on movies, tv etc

Just finished watching The Painted Veil.
I remember this time last yr the film is showing in shanghai cinemas... and i looked at the poster and thought: whats that? looks like a ghost love story...? O.O
well its not a ghost love story. its a love story of 2 horrible ppl.

then early this yr i opportunistically watched Kingdom of Heaven... and started to have this massive obsession with the leprous king. LOL and found out that this memorable but faceless character was played by ed norton.
so beautiful.
hence I watched the Painted Veil... and drooled over ed norton.
the story itself is hmmm... thought provoking.
I just couldn't help thinking that walter fane is 10 times more horrible than soames forsyte, and yet... soames much more miserable.

then I found out the orginal story was by maugham. I liked his books, for a short while... but then i find him too in-your-face about his insights which can be very unpleasant at times.
but maybe I will try to get hold of a copy of The Painted Veil, and read, and think about ed norton and drool more. =D

on a side note I was so obsessed with Kingdom of Heaven that just a month of so ago I spent a whole nite out of the precious swot vac to hunt down a copy of Director's Cut KOH, which has almost become extinct in australia. In the end I found it. Now the 4 disc Director's Cut is sitting on my shelf which makes me happy. =D
I must say I liked King Baldwin from the cinema version better than from the director's cut one. In the latter he was made to appear like a 12th century rebel. O_O much more attractive when he spoke less and appeared to have more subtle strength in the cinema version.

2008 is coming. I am really looking forward to the shows I want to watch.
Taiga drama Atsu-Hime. - one of my fav periods of jap history, played by lots of beautiful ppl.
Nodame Cantabile SP - tamaki-sama...
Deer man(i think thats wat its called) - again beautiful tamaki-sama
KIDS the movie - more tamaki-sama, and the story is reali simple and touching.
Yogisha X no Kenshin - the love story of a mathematician. =) the most memorable fukuyama-sama, playing Yuka-sensei again.
so yes lots of pleasant things to look forward to, and to carry me thru job application times which I am sure will be miserable.

my dad told me that bhutto is dead.
if he doesn't say i won't even know. I am so otaku... -_-||||||
but i am sad. i used to like her in primary school, cos i thought she was really pretty and exotic.
i suddenly really miss the pleasant vulgarity of chinese newspapers. wen i go to kunming I will probably get the paper everyday if I can.
I have been downloading theme songs from very old taiwanese period dramas. they are so nice.

enough of randomness. =D

holiday agitation

i am in a state of pre-exam-result-releasing agitation...
the feeling of having to face the inevitable which is going to be terrible and no longer able to live in denial.... is reali... >___<
plus also the ill feeling of bearing ur own consequences of the lack of study while having no intention or motivation to change for the better next time.
so yes... very pathetic but not even worth to be pitied. =)
and this agitation made me feel i want to binge eat on oily spicy fried food.
but i will be dressing up for sunday and I do not want to show a round tummy thru the dress. 呜呜呜...
thwarted gluttony... hence more agitation.
and tiff is leaving... i can no longer say all these silly and terrible things and expect her to read it and laugh about it with me over gmail... for at least 3 wks. =D
more 呜呜呜....

anywayz i better stop all this exaggerated stupidity.
really thank God for the job. =) I need not make committment more than the holiday 4 wks, will have enough to pay the bridesmaid dress when i get my pay, and may even have enough to go on a trip to dali and lijiang. =)
and everything about Fukuyama Masaharu is so lovely! *hearts*

Yogisha X no Kenshin

finished most exams. one more to go =)
so... no more thoughts in that direction. going back to writing about happy stuff...
Yogisha X no Kenshin translates: The Sacrifice of Suspect X

its a mystery written by jap author Higashino Keigo. I enjoy quite a few of his books, especially the ones featuring prof Galileo... *hearts*
this is also a prof galileo story. =) but it involves crime committed using mathematics...(i haven't finished the ending but thats wat the review say), and its also about the sacrificial love of a mathematician...(which has touched the hearts of many in asia)

so... mathematics... maybe can persuade sally to read that when we are in kunming =)
or maybe i can force tiff and sally both to watch Galileo with me while we are there =)
happy now~

prof Galileo

just finished watching Galileo episode 6....
*hearts*
Yuka-sensei is sooooo cute...

the story is about a otaku-ish uni physics professor helping a female inspector solving crimes. His nickname is "eccentric Galileo".
nothing exciting at all abt the physics... reali just for the general population, and i mean the reali "general" population.
but the show is reali carefully made and the actors r reali good.
*still drooling over the cute prof in the show and wanting to go into a uni to check out all the physics profs*...
no worries, i will come bk to reality wen i see lots of balding ojisans with elevated BMI.

anywayz, was reading abt intellectual disability and failing to memorise important bits made me feel very intellectually disabled.
i really think:
intellectual disability could simply mean "your brain falling short of wat is expected of it".

pic of the cute prof Galileo ^-^ :

facebook etiquette

i only realised very recently that it is polite in facebook to wish friends happy birthday on their birthdays, write individual thank you messages back when u receive good wishes on yours, and wen someone writes you something on the wall you need to reply back not on your own wall but on theirs.

so sori to all those kind ppl who previously wrote me messages but never heard from me again.
and nowadays i am endeavouring to remember to wish ppl happy birthdays on facebook whenever i log on. but i think i will stop doing that wen i become sick of facebook, a time which i suspect will come very soon.

the meds

so...is the med grp "crumbling away"?
I did notice the "changes" but I found them normal and understandable.
for me, just seeing the ppl enjoying themselves under one roof, was all that i need to feel secure and relaxed.
with the certainty that if I am ever truly in trouble and need help, they are the people I would have no hesitation turning to.
its the grp of ppl that once gave me the most secure feelings and made me feel the most loved. the time wen i was fearful and broken and abt to fall, the many of u built a fence and stood around it.
or maybe,its just that with someone socially awkward like me: i contributed little, expected little but ended up enjoying heaps?
well either way... i love to walk into someone's house, have the freedom to stay or go wenever i like, seeing the table packed full with junk food, and enjoying the endless jokes and things to laugh about.
Under the warm spring sun, I loved all this and I was happy.

Life

had delivery again yesterday... started with the lady's admission at 7am, and stayed till 9.30pm wen she gave birth, lost count how many hours i've managed to stay awake.
was very excited despite me being very tired from 10 days without a break.
wat contributed most to my excitement was the fact that the lady was from kanagawa...
and anything "kanagawian" would cause my train of thoughts to instantly run to the wonderboys in slamdunk.
hence i had reali gd impression of the lady and her family and the baby she was going to have from the very start. =)
she was a sweet & amazing one, never made a sound wen she had pain, the most she did was frowning and breathing. and between terrible contractions she would break into the cutest smile to everyone in the room and make us all smile too.
and her baby was just cute and lovable.

wen i went home i managed to catch the last 10mins of Life. in the delivery suite i seriously believed that I would miss out seeing the 1st episode, so was reali happy wen I managed to still get some glimpses of the show.

Hello again, Damien Lewis.
It was not until I read the Forsyte Saga novel would I realise wat a wonderful actor he is.
I will always remember him as the most memorable Soames Forsyte, and look forward to watch any new series by him.
so, i am watching aussie tv again...LOL
just because of DL.
will remember to tape Life next weds wen I have nite duty. =)

Nauseated

....Maybe I can write a blog in Inoue-sensei's style. =)

never mind.

on monday I felt really awful as I caught the train to go in for the 8oclock lecture.
The sense of unwellness was so intense that i began to worry where I could be sent to, if i deteriorated; and quite disqualifed for admission at the RCH Emergency Department.

So I got off at Richmond station and went for the next arrived train straight back home. With my bag & book & lunch box & a grumpy look, i really wondered if a 5th year medical student still had the right to have such acute truancy urges.

at home i felt more nauseated, had 2 episodes of projectile vomiting, and felt drowsy & feverish for the rest of the day.

Sounds pretty severe, doesn't it?

I was firm not to go to the doctor knowing full well if i went, I would be classified as class 4 or 5 in box hill ED, and had to drown myself for 4-5 hrs in nausea and agitation and sense of neglect b4 I get to see a doctor who would advise me to drink more fluid and rest for a few days.

I did believe myself to be adequate in such a basic level of self-diagnosis.

and the next day I felt better.


That one horrible day, however, was a chance for me to experience what it is like to be debilitated to the point that even thinking became impossible.

Severe nausea really could take away one's thoughts, and make one unable to think even about things one normally would enjoy regardless of mood or circumstances.

Losing the ability to think has always been my worst nightmare.

I really could sense what its like to be a cancer patient, wasting away, weak, nauseated, with no hope of getting better.

I must say they are all very courageous people. I could not imagine myself enduring such daily ordeal, knowing full well this would be the story of my life, however short it may be.

Lord thank you for that experience. I pray I will always endeavour to be more understanding of others' pain, however inadequate I maybe.

Herbsttag

i seem to be getting non-english poetry education rather opportunistically from among the grp of fellow chinese slamdunk fans...
last time the fanfic Marie, marie made me obsessed about "Remembering Marie A" by Bertolt Brecht.

and this time its Herbsttag by R.Rilke, inspired by uta-san's blog.

Herbsttag
Herr, es ist Zeit. Der Sommer war sehr groß.
Leg deinen Schatten auf die Sonnenuhren,
und auf den Fluren lass die Winde los.

Befiehl den letzten Früchten, voll zu sein;
gib ihnen noch zwei südlichere Tage,
dränge sie zur Vollendung hin, und jage
die letzte Süße in den schweren Wein.

Wer jetzt kein Haus hat, baut sich keines mehr.
Wer jetzt allein ist, wird es lange bleiben,
wird wachen, lesen, lange Briefe schreiben
und wird in den Alleen hin und her
unruhig wandern, wenn die Blätter treiben.

and english translation by J. Mullen:

Autumn Day

Lord: it is time. The summer was great.
Lay your shadows onto the sundials
and let loose the winds upon the fields.

Command the last fruits to be full,
give them yet two more southern days,
urge them to perfection, and chase
the last sweetness into the heavy wine.

Who now has no house, builds no more.
Who is now alone, will long remain so,
will stay awake, read, write long letters
and will wander restlessly here and there
in the avenues, when the leaves drift.

i find it reali nice.

gd things

big big hugz to tiff... who still reads my blog...*sniff* and who still comments... *sniff more*
anyways... a few facts about inoue-sensei.

He is the author of Slamdunk.
and yeah... he is not creepy.. ^___^ if he can draw a story that would make ppl be so touched and cry, no matter how many times they read it---
then it would only make sense that he himself is a passionate soul, acutely sensitive to his surroundings...
----inoue-sensei...
(yn becomes creepy too and everyone runs away)

**********
more quotes from inoue-sensei's diary i really liked:

Whether you have time to focus and work toward a goal in your youth makes a large impact on the rest of your life.

Even though they seem similar, there's a complete difference between doing
something you want to do and just going along with the flow.
We are so tired from the inundation of things and information overload. I think that it might be nice to make our lives simpler.

When things are uncertain, unanswerable questions such as "have I chosen the right path?" would be popping out in our thoughts.
Once we reach a conclusion---"I am probably taking a terrible detour, I am doing lots of unnecessary silly things"---the moment we decide it is so, we would feel rather relieved.
But the path ahead of us would disappear.
So we should look ahead.
and fiercely hold on.

The bus won't come for those who just wait for it.
You have to raise your voice and call for it.
Have courage.

*******
anywayz, pbl went alrite today.
at the grace of God.
it is not true that my worries were unnecessary.
will need to really really depend on God for all the future tutes to come... for anything vaguely resembling an audible voice to croak out of my throat. >____<
and thank you irene for your encouragement & prayers.
i really appreciate your patience with my "problems".

and sally is getting baptised on sunday.
*hearts*
i am really looking forward to the special occasion.

Inoue-sensei's diary

This is Inoue-sensei's journal entry from 22nd of June.
I reali liked wat he wrote, hence posting the whole thing here as a keepsake.
-----------

Feverish.

I think I've finally realized that it's impossible for me to continue to write every week. Hahaha...

A long time ago I wrote that "I started a diary. I'm going to keep writing in it..." , but I can't even remember how many days that lasted now.
I'm not writing it anymore of course.
I'm sorry.

I can't even respond to mail I've received in a timely manner.
I think I'll start by trying to update this column once every 2-3 weeks.

*

About a week ago I developed a fever and was out of commision for 4-5 days straight.

But the hostpial I normally go to happened to be closed, so I ended up spending time with myself -- moaning and nursing a high fever.

There's no question that I was thankful that I normally have good health.
I was thankful that I could normally do what I wanted, and since I couldn't eat anything, also thankful for my food.

I was also thankful for my family who watched over me while I was helpless.

I also couldn't work as I had planned to, and I'm thankful for the help of the editors who came to check up on me and everyone else's help.

When I stumbled outside, perhaps because my senses had become acute, the
landscape of the city looked different.
It was stressful.
Tiring.

I saw a parade of many things of the type that people don't need to see - things that aren't good for you.
It brings a shiver to my spine when I think about how I can blissfully live in the midst of all of that.

I wonder if you get more sensitive with a high fever.
It was problematic that I was quickly moved to tears by small passages of writing, songs, and even some small piece of Vagabond that I had come up with.
The worst thing was when I picked up the newest work by Kiyoshi Shigematsu in a bookstore and just reading the tag line on the book lining brought tears to my eyes.
Even though I hadn't opened it yet...

But those few days were a rich chance for me to experience what it is like to rise up from nothing.

Since I started with nothing, I feel like I'm working up the energy to go forward.

... which I can say now that I'm better ...

*

In other news, our website will also be availble in Korean starting in July.
I hope our Korean readers will look forward to it.
Annyeonghaseyo! Sojyujyuseyo.

　
INOUE TAKEHIKO
19　June　2007

from:
Inoue News

a holiday was a holiday

I think God meant a holiday to be a holiday.
in all aspects.

at the end of 1st wk new semester i am already stressed out...
felt like there r a million things need to be done. car broke down, mum is leaving for china again and dad probably wants proper food cooked everyday for the next 2 months while my timetable has at least a few late nights in the 1st month.
certain lady is bad at organisation and incapable of correcting her own mistake and so adamant that other ppl should live with it. and tutor is one stressful person whom i forsee can make me freak out and my broca to atrophy bad in at least some of the upcoming weeks.
early next yr elective trip finanical situation is not optimal and i really don't know if anything can be done about it.
BUT---
i have been researching abt the memorable nba players in the 80s & early 90s.
and Larry Bird was just awesome.
and that made me happy.
^_____^
and during elective times:
Irene can go to the US and watch an nba game for me and mail me a basketball.
and Jia Jia can travel to London Sherlock museum and buy me some sherlock souvenirs.
*drool*
LOL
just kidding.
I will always be looking forward to the day when I can visit these places myself and do all these things i would really really enjoy.


And I will look back to the entry at the end of the year to see wat amazing work God has done through all these.

holiday

I really thank God for a very wonderful holiday.
Reading abt history & culture in Baillieu EA collection, and writing AKIRA.
I started writing this fanfic this time last year.
with a stressful med yr in between, without God my inspiration for the plot would have run dry already...
it was such a great way for me to discipline my heart:
doing my best while relying on God for watever the product is.

(feel free to laugh at my obsession ^____^)

But God really blessed this and I reali thank Him for that.
Please continue to bless AKIRA. ^____^

and reading over the manga made me fall in love with Slamdunk all over again.
i do remember those years when i would laugh and cry over a slamdunk or a buzzer beater from the story.
I probably still would.

(everyone becomes reali disturbed and runs away.)
^____________^

Ganbatte for a new semester!

Belteshazzar

its been quite a while since i last wrote some thoughts from bible reading..

an interesting thought came to me as I read Daniel 1, regarding Belteshazzer:
Belteshazzer means "after the name of my god Bel", and is the babylonian name given to Daniel.
Daniel has said no to the royal food & wine, but not this insulting name.
There are more than enough reasons to say no to Belteshazzer, and absolutely Godly reasons too:
I would rather die a martyr than to be identified with this sinful idolatory!
or
My jewish name is God given and so important to me and my faith and I would not be defiled by such a name!
etc etc etc...
so wat is Godly & wat is not? if he has said those perfectly Godly words to refuse Belteshazzer and got killed, is he still the Godly prophet Daniel of Bible?

wat is Godly & wat is not?
watever Godly noble things we believe we are doing, are they reali Godly?
one question also lingered in my mind in the past few weeks:
wat is the difference between Dolly Carey & Harriet Shelley? and hence their respective husbands?
The family neglect part of the first husband's story is largely omitted, the purified story then transcribed onto many Christian newsletters & magazines as saintly encouragement to missionary workers.
And the second husband's story is used as an embodiment of sinful marital & family neglect, entering into an anthology of insight & reflections of sinners.
O___O
reali--
O___O

or should the doing "Godly" work part be the dividing line, be the right for omission or even justification of the unpleasant aspect of one's character?
then are we reali trying to say: the man is nothing--his work is everything.
we can be sure the Bible didn't say that, Flaubert did.
lets just say anyone mature in God won't think of Carey as a lesser man because it was found that he neglected his family.
Because we should know everyone is a sinner, and even the most holy of man is human.
And God forgives.

----and shelley's poetry is beautiful.

thoughts on some old but new anime

Buzzer Beater is going thru a 2nd animation...(how very painful)
the last one reali was bad... nothing like inoue-sama's beautiful story. >___<
i reali hope this one is going to be good, could show the world of the best hideyoshi, the best DT, and the beautiful red haired lady cha-che.

a new ova of EVA is still in the making i believe...
reali couldn't believe it has been ten years.
i still remember so clearly the time i first saw ayanami-hime's icy blue hair, & became instantly lovestruck because of that icy unhuman voice.
*hearts*
utada hikaru is singing the new EVA theme, as well as revising (again) sinatra's fly me to the moon.
*more hearts*

saiyuki reload burial is also abt to be released soon.
wen i was in high school, i find saiyuki the coolest thing in the world...
no longer so... but i must admit sanzo is still a very cool guy.

today

decided to take the rest of today completely off...
Broca's atrophy was alright 2day... mind blocked here & there... but i was happy as long as broca's atrophy din have a sudden flare during the osce.
told sally & dora i was going home to sleep... >_____< din happen... wen i walked out actually thought abt checking up on siew yong in her pharmacy... but she din pick up her call... so... >____<
bumped into bei's grp & wei as i walked out, thought ppl r going to amy's lunch and followed them...O___o but ended up going to yum cha with bei's grp...
had a gd relaxing chat with wei abt random non-med interests & various dodgy stuff happening in china etc... but bei's grp was full-on comparing mcq answers... and i realise i got almost every single one of those wrong.... *traumatised*
*running up to tiff & crying: 呜呜呜呜........*
---------------------------------
i thought abt why i am doing med...
for anyone out there who thinks ppl in med r just doing it for the money & prestige & now it serves u right to suffer & u dun have the right to regret ur choice---
well feel free to live in ur fantasy of self-righteousness & criticism if that makes u feel better.

let me just say i never regretted choosing to do med. it was the only thing that offered an aspect of interest to me at the time, and probaly still is if I need to make this choice again.
it is probably one of the wisest choice I have made in life, the friends i have is sufficient reason to justify that, and being in med has indeed been a great blessing to my life..
wen u make a choice u never have full autonomy to do wat u most wanted.
its only wen i perceive myself to be very incompetent, and think that med is DEFINITELY stopping me from pursuing wat i most wanted to do, then i develop a hate towards it.
but such defeatist feelings r always transient.
i prob procrastinate heaps... i prob can't study as well as all the other ppl in med... and i always have the thought that someone with a communication skill as poor as mine is just unfit for modern society... and even more unfit of being a doctor.
but i still want to be a gd doctor, because I think God has put me here.
so... b4 God says no, I want everything, and I will do my best to get everything i wanted done.
------------------
i have been close to God in the past few days...
it was so easy to sink into despair during exam prep... and He was comforting to me during those scariest times.
so to God:
I know I shouldn't allow my faith to atrophy just because my broca atrophies;
i know it is not very Godly to wonder(though not very seriously)wat it feels like to jump off the austin balcony the day b4 osce exam;
i know i should stop being anxious wen He gave me His promise...shouldn't have constant ill-founded fear that i haven't done enough and I will fall short of the promise.
i know i shouldn't distrust and hate You wen i don't get wat i think i should get.
but i am so weak and my faith is so little...
but realising all these is good:
made me realise how incredibly human I am, how sinful & rebellious I am, how very weak I am and how much I am in need of u.
Lord please have mercy on me. Only You can delivery the help I needed.
Thank you for your incredible patience & mercy throughout the semester. Please let me have faith and rely on you for the next thing to come.

inadequate

inadequate...
i feel very inadequate...
studying something and capable of forgetting 50% in the next hr & 100% the next morning just made me feel very inadequate.
maybe its normal for everyone... but i lack the inner strength & drive to persist in this terrible cycle til the moment wat i studied repetitively could stay in my brain.
its a terrible thing to realise how very wk and inadequate u r and that u r still hoping to get watever u don't deserve.
and knowing that wen u don't get wat u don't deserve u will turn grumpy and mean.
bou-chan's new blog post this morning greatly comforted me.
commentaries on the most memorable ppls of shinsengumi.
i could almost recall the immense joy & excitement wen i first met saitou-sama.
the joy & excitement of meeting such a unique & noble personality.
and my own foolish dream of living a life persevering in a set of principles just like saitou-sama.
the dream was foolish, but do i want to live with such courage & wisdom? or do i want to continue in this useless inadequacy struggling to please everyone & everything with my life and finding that i have failed in every aspect, especially... that I have failed myself...& God?
too deep & meaningful a thing to be thinking abt during exam revision...

prayer points

sally, tiff & me r going to elective in kunming with msi.
after a day of sub-optimal concentration and mcq trial papers with traumatising results, I feel very happy after hearing this news.
so... Lord plz dun let me do very badly on my exams... so i won't need to have austin dean discussing with me: maybe u should stay in melbourne for elective and do some catch up studying?
>________<
if that happens...that would be.... very...traumatising....

anyways serious prayer points:
1. for God's blessing and guidance to prepare us all for this trip
2. financially adequate to go for the elective and not needing to be at parents' mercy TOO MUCH.
3. in the next half yr, for mum not to get sudden control impulses and override her initial approval for me to go(which very likely will happen), and for me to deal with it patiently and not fearfully if it happens.
4. (most importantly) Trust in God in watever changing situations.

"sad"

on friday i mentioned the word "sad" to tiffany numerous times...
she was trying to convince me that life is not sad.
well... i guess u noe me well enuf to noe that if i am reali SAD i won't be talking abt my problems.
i prob would be in one of those impulsive fits--walking across austin and wishing for a car to run me over.
so... wen i am grumbling to my friends with a smiling face... then i am prob in a reasonably good mood.

last tuesday i had my long case trial exam... was in a state of prostrate distress wen i saw jeremy in the common room.
he listened to my pitiable grumbling for at least half an hr.
... and was very understanding, and very kind, and kept on saying nice things to calm me down.
i thought he would prob be his normal self.. impatient with my grumbling abt nothing, and just dismiss my distress or distract me with sum crude jokes or the like.
so... thank you.

and i think i should re-define the word "sad" wen i say it:
it means---
the situation is probably not so pleasant.
but God has taken away my fear.

^________^

"Mary Kay"

friday--
kev: oh i forgot to go to box hill and buy chocolates!
me: i live in box hill, wat chocolates do you want?
kev: there is this reali nice truffle...
and the next moment he instinctively blurted out the name: MARY KAY!

*cough*
Mary Kay is a make-up brand... in australia specialises in wedding make-overs...
^____________^

so kevin... did u use Mary Kay only for ur yr 12 fairy look?
or... its one of ur daily essentials?

but eventually he realised Mary Kay wasn't right and gave me the right brand name: Lily O'briens.

so... i went and bought lily obriens truffles.
its a leading irish chocolate brand.
there r some little taglines on the packaging: "I start making chocolates in my kitchen in 1992 with 2 pans and a trusty wooden spoon", "we hope that you enjoy tasting them as much as we enjoy making them".
its a wonderful thing wen one's career can be so enjoyable.
but no matter how much hardcore people can enjoy med... they can never say a line such as:
we hope that you enjoy being treated as much as we enjoy treating you.LOL
*shudder*

but i suddenly remember nick's souffles...
nick can prob open a dessert house aside from his aspiring med career.
and wen ppl drool over his wonderful souffles... he can add this as an emotionally-appealing ad:
i start making souffles during our stressful exam yr so my friends could enjoy the souffle and feel happy about life despite the stress. its still my passion to see smiles on people's faces even wen life is stressful.

^______________^

anywayz the point of this blog...
dearest grp 9, i wil miss u all heaps wen we part company next semester... *sniff*

gone.. & coming

*big wave to lu*

ZARD vocalist passed away a few days ago. after a fall in hospital where she was having treatment for endometrial cancer, aged 40.
i couldn't help humming MY FRIEND to myself again and again the past few days, planning to dig out my 3 sets of Slamdunk OST in collection... very soon.
the voice actor of dearest saitou-sama passed away last yr, last holiday i specially went and bought the complete kenshin anime set. probably the only extra i need now is seisouhen director's cut, starring half a minute of saitou-sama.

after exam there r a few animes & series I want to watch:
darker than black: squinty eyed expressionless chinese protagonist wearing long black overcoat.. + rie fu's beautiful ED... *double hearts*

Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto: wat a mouthful... but again squinty eyed protagonist in long black overcoat & cape... sword waving too... so yeh... my taste hardly ever deviates..

mawang: the tall skinny fox-like prince this time playing a lawyer with a dark past... *hearts*

the vineyard man & the upcoming 1st shop of coffee prince: the bright beautiful "bigong mama" is reali enjoyable too... *more hearts*

and also.. finishing off Rondo & Kazoku by my favourite Takenouchi Yutaka ^_____^

enuf procrastinating... ^_____^

Broca's atrophy

2day had an 2hr+ ecg lecture that finished at half past 6. the lecturer was so... brilliant... talked abt everything in such a fast-paced & logically accurate way.
and after the lecture brian made a reali brilliant comment: the lecturer could express his thoughts so well! almost as there is instant interaction btw his higher function centres and the broca area. unlike some smart ppl who probably can't reali express ideas well, and unlike politians who probably have overactive broca's, disconnected from their higher function centres.
so.. applying that idea to myself:
i prob have broca's atrophy, and repeated lack of use exacerbates the problem, and gradually the connection btw brocas & the higher function centres degenerate. >____<

on a side note... i've been watching "goong" in the past week... reali loved it.
especially the crown prince.. *hearts*
tall skinny fox-like guy who would look good even in pink dotty shirts is indeed... very enjoyable.
(remembering with much embarrassment i was telling angel earlier in the yr that girly tv shows abt teenage princes r so pointless) >_______<
so, yeh found it surprising i actually enjoyed such a brainless romantic show and the teenage prince so much.
quite glad of it actually, my almost non-existent youthful superficiality does have the ability to regenerate.
despite my harsh sceptical perspective of things & ppl overall.

so maybe i shouldn't lose hope of my brocas area afterall. with some persistent exercising, it may have the ability to regenerate its function as well.
fingers crossed. ^^

YST

in moments of impulsive procrastination I started to revise yoroiden samurai troopers.... >_______<
i watched it first wen i was grade 3 or 4...
i must admit i am still quite into these simple & hot-blooded stuff for kids...
i remembered saint seiya was on around the same time... which was also about ppl wearing robot armours and ppl fighting bad ppl... but I always preferred YST so much more,cos they don't have to fight each other like gladiators, and also the friendship among the five boys r depicted quite well.
and wen i was young i manage to remember the lyrics of OP & ED of YST correct to every japanese syallable...
wish i still have such memory now.. and can use it for med...
>_____<
anywayz back to do some study after prolonged procrastination.

no more grumbling

i suddenly realised i am not all that intolerant of ppl..
different ppl hav low tolerance threshold of different things...
just like i am not so sensitive abt indifference & being ignored, but my stomach would churn with nausea at invasiveness...even if its mere "perceived invasiveness".
anyway this is not the point of this blog.

today i just remember this corny martial arts saying in chinese: 人在江湖﹐身不由己.
rather pessimistic & inappropriate... to describe lives that should have been made fully purposeful by the Lord. but i do think it has a fraction of truth describing the current condition of many of us...
how many times i procrastinate out of apathy, how many times i study out of mere primitive reflex, rather than having placed my certainty & hope in the Lord?
many times, i must confess, many times.
it is scary to think there r stages in your life wen talking/sharing to ppl about your problem won't really help, but only stimulates ur increasingly uncontrollable desire to complain & grumble, wen u don't even have the time to go thru the full process of feeling stressed and fearful and crying over a situation and finally internalising it to cope...
and even more scary to think such a lifestyle soon will become the story of your life and be indefinitely prolonged for who knows how many years ahead.
Loving God please have mercy on us terrible people.

yet bits of happiness r still found everywhere around us, in the daily things of vulgar vitality:
eg. i am looking forward to see the wei look-alike at friday outpatients, after strong recommendation from tiff... LOL
and also looking back and remembering all the other interesting doctors: there was also a brian look-alike, a ken look-alike, and of course the not so often seen jeremy look-alike. ^____^
perhaps we can also look forward to spotting any possible andrew look-alikes, wan look-alikes, kev look-alikes or HC look-alikes in the near or far future...
and our lives r still coloured by these bits of vulgar but entertaining things.

i thank God

i drove for 6 wks.
din crash my car on any poles or trees, din crash into anyone else & no one else crashed into me.
and managed to drive thru the roads smoothly and din become a traffic hazard--
even wen not concentrating and sometimes driving pass traffic lights without realising if they r red or green.
so yes i thank God i din harm ppl and was not harmed in anyway myself.
and i am not trying to be funny. my driving is quite...bad.
i am glad to be back to taking buses next wk.
despite its frequent lateness.
I can prob stay up a bit late at nite and still get to austin the next morning while dozing off.

怨念

i have lots of 怨念 about places with terrible coffees still attempting to be posh & expensive & high-class.
especially wen with the unpleasant additive of tense asian eagerness, "making sure u dun get away without ordering anything" written all over one's face...
i cannot express how very 倒胃口 this is.
and the above is just pure grumbling after a strong but terrible coffee... and inability to fall asleep.

Peace in a World of Massacre

I really cannot express how much this article touched and encouraged me as I first read it sitting inside the Northern library computer room 2day.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/aprilweb-only/116-23.0.html

(for some reason I can't seem to get the link to work on my blog today so please excuse and use copy & paste)

absolutely awesome... everyone should have a read.

if God grants me the time I really want to be able to translate this for more ppl to read it. May need ariel's help on that. ^^

movies

Apparently many friends in china & the US hav already seen 300.
i remember the Epigraph at Thermopylae as i knew of:

O stranger, bring the Spartans word, that here,
Obedient thus to their command, we lie.

beautiful words.
any translation less classic just... won't do...

so.. the point is... I want to see 300.
I hope its still showing wen my real holiday comes...
yi qiu told me instead of 300 there was only 18... i din noe whether she was joking or i am just too ignorant in grecian history...
and i doubt anyone will watch it with me... (especially irene, who prob runs away at hearing the plot ^______^)

i remember a funny conversation btw motoko & batou in SAC:
Batou: thats the movie you want to see. do you want to go and see it together sometimes?
Motoko: no.
Batou(shocked): why not?
Motoko: if its a movie I like very much, I prefer to watch it just on my own.
Batou: then...what about movies you don't "like very much"? we can see one of those.
Motoko: then it won't be necessary to go and see a movie I don't like anyway.

^______^
this is very true...

but reminds me, wen the real holiday comes, I also want to drag alison to see Amazing Grace with me...
I am sure she will gladly join me, on hearing the familiar names: Ioan Gruffudd, Romola Garai, Rufus Sewell...
bring back fond memories of those shows we loved: the Forsyte Saga, Charles II, and of course...Daniel Deronda...

and of course, fluffy bug got the rite answer. Yay! ^________^
in KOH, King Baldwin IV of Jerusalem said those beautiful words.
one of my biggest regret in life is not seeing Kingdom of Heaven on big screen...
in short, the king from KOH is a very very attractive man.
its rare to find such an attractive character in movies.


well enuf of movies...
let prospective plans for the real holiday motivate me...

The beautiful words spoken

I loved these words and the person who said it to bits, from the time I first heard it till now:

....But remember that, even when those who move you be kings or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone.
When you stand before God you cannot say "but I was told by others to do thus" or that "virtue was not convenient at the time". This will not suffice. Remember that.

things i reali like i repetitively post in blogs... hope tis is not a repeat^^

anyone still procrastinating and checking this place can take a guess where is this quote from and who's the person that said it... ^___________^

Sloth

been re-reading The Monarch Book of Sins & Virtues.

today turned upon a page... about sloth:

By Jerome K. Jerome(1859-1927)
I like idling when I ought not to idling; not when it is the only thing I have to do. That is my pig-headed nature. The time I like best to stand with my back to the fire, calculating how much I owe, is when my desk is heaped highest with letters that must be answered by the next post. When I like to dawdle longest over my dinner, is when i have a heavy evening's work before me. And if, for some urgent reason, I ought to be up particularly early in the morning, it is then, more than at any other time, that I love to lie an extra half-hour in bed.

very truthful...

theologically, sloth is defined as "being careless towards the things of God".

i probably should quote no more... its a terrible thing wen i know all these stuff, and then go back and procrastinate more like these words never had any effect on me.

KY

Ken & andrew dun noe abt this place... hehehehe... *stealthy looks*

will use this opportunity to honour a friend who has the dip 2moro.

Tiffany: shld i sms ken to congratulate him yet?
me: just say ur congrats 2moro la....
no need to rush^___________^
Tiffany: so ken doesn't change his mind over night..
me: o_______________0
did u get that idea from praying???
Tiffany: nope
me: gdness me.....i was scared....
Tiffany: we'll forcefully dunk him in
me: dun worry.... wen andrew says... u jump, i jump....
he won't have any hesitations

^____________^

a premature congrats goes to ken, a reliable,intelligent,& gentle shanghainese BIC who likes to do lots of deep thinking.
i guess i reali don't know ken that well, and sometimes can get into mind-winding heated discussions with him about certain issues.... >____< but still i think he is an awesome BIC and its reali gd to have his company & be able to witness his walk of faith over the years.

u r a precious child of God. May u continue to grow strong in Christ, and walk with confidence in His love, following His awesome plan for u.

quotes & pictures

these days good quotes from other ppls blogs reali made me think:

from dave's blog:
"People like me exist because people are afraid of death, and we pour so much of our resources simply into delaying the inevitable. "

from cindy's blog:
"nothing is more precious than knowing that you are where God wants u to be."

from crystal's blog:
"尤其当希望在眼前却由于这样那样的原因消失无踪，无法控制客户和机会就像无法控制爱情的来去自由，于是内心再起伏不安，但仍保持笑脸，相信却不强求，可能有时候还是会情绪失控，就像此时此刻的自己，过后，依然坚强。"

so... a gd variety of interesting thoughts...

and in addition, funny stuff I reali liked, from Engrish:





^________^ very hilarious.

little things

on thursday we had a 13-hr day driving included...
that night i had a really beautiful dream.
first i was at church eating after-service refreshments: homemade cookies dripping with chocolate sauce.
then i went to lunch at a hotpot place, i ate hotpot & drank soup from a reali yummy chicken claypot.
then some friends came to me and dragged me to a reali huge bookshop, with a sea of mangas, chinese & english novels. Lots of friends were walking around. and i was under the impression I could spend my whole day there, reading & catching up with friends.
wen i woke up i didn't reali want to wake up, but after i wake up i was still happy, just like all these things has actually happened. ^_____^

i can get really scared & depressed talking to very persuasive & firm ppl.
hence usually a 99% avoidance.
these days i try to go along abit more with my spotaneous thoughts, and take up some courage to overcome a few of my own weaknesses.
but i guess one problem is that: i am very firm in my own sense, and it is an irritable burning pain wen my own sense of logic has no room to be accepted.
but I don't have to be rite.
It is not because when I am rite, then His Words become rite.
it is not because He is rite, then I could use it to prove that I am rite.
cos He is rite even when no one is rite.

i remember myself in one of those horrid states wen I think He wants to make bad things happen in my life and my heart becomes very rebellious.
but I think God's love has a postive likelihood ratio of infinity.
so there are no false positives---ie. its impossible for one to believe in God & His love & down the track eventually discover that this is not the case and after all He doesn't reali care about me.
there are only false negatives---wen one believes in one's own mind that He doesn't love, but the fact is that He really does, and He always does.
i dun understand EBP that well, maybe someone can help in refining the analogy. ^____^

some gd, some not so gd stuff (hopefully all gd someday)

tiffany wanted me to do an update of this blog...
well i guess ok... its always gd wen a friend appreciate ur thoughts and want to read more for procrastination purposes. ^^
these days my thoughts are more negative than usual, the whole matter of case presentation and communication skills increasing tires me... i have always been a poor communicator and most of the time the more practise i have the more stressful i feel the more poorly i do and the more pessimistic i become.
a horrid vicious circle...
reali making me doubt whether i should give way to more capable ppl who can "yap yap" more confidently and intelligently.
pastor josh prayed for me at young adults on friday... i want to believe things can be changed but scepticism still nags me. >______<
and i hope i am not going to feel more negative by grumbling on this blog.
so yep need to persevere, trust and believe. so my dear SICs plz remember me in ur prayers.^^

at young adults someone said: danielle is coming back soon.
suddenly made me realise how much i missed her.
LOL danielle never reads this so i will keep on talking abt her.
i missed all the lifts she gave me b4 my driving days, and her always so-persistent offer to drive me around despite me feeling bad for troubling her too much.
i missed all the quality time dnm we had last yr regarding med & family & life & relationship, and being able to learn so much from her experiences.
i missed all the patient and loving advices she gave me wenever i, in some kind of prostrate distress, came to her with many grumbles. she was never impatient, never imposed her own ways of thinking on me.
i missed all the hugs and free food from her... still remember that nite wen she baked sweet potato and remembered that i like them so drove all the way from templestowe to box hill to deliver some to me... and actually got lost... >____<
i misssed her mature & kind presence, just someone always there, someone i can always approach wen i need some support and love.
*sniff*
yes in short i reali miss her.
looking forward to seeing her again and having her company again this year.*hearts*

We saw tiffany today...

Me and irene went to find a patient this arvo...
and we saw "tiffany"... and asked her for patients.
(austinees should know who am i talking about^^)
slightly different from last year, she has this reali mature reali elegant doctor look now.
then i saw the 2 rings on her finger.
reali elegant rings too.
*hearts*
so... "tiffany" is married.
me and irene were just awwing the whole way when we walked to our patient.

so... point of the story: Ganbatte to the real tiffany ^_____^

In memory: Slamdunk

the other day i got a lift to bsf from paul and saw the lovely slamdunk figurines in his car.
"so cute!!!" i said, drooling.
despite the fact that i myself own 2 identical sets of those... exactly the same ones.

brought back memories of slamdunk, even when i have never forgotten about them.
i remember with fondness the time i got a set similar to those as my 20th bday present from all the meddies. tiffany spotted them on her hillsong trip in sydney, remembered my obsession, and bought them for me.
she din noe i already had a set of those myself.
yet i still loved my extra set very much... wen mum was tidying my room she once mentioned: u have 2 sets of those? give one set away!
"no! mine! they r all mine!" i was completely possessive and refused to share any of those with anyone.

and i also remember with great amusement, the time we sat in austin lecture theatre, wei dozing off as usual.
i took out the little sleeping and slobbering Rukawa figurine, and put it on the desk next to him.
tiffany saw it and was reali amazed: hey that thing looks just like wei!
LOL
indeed.
*rukawa is the superstar character of slamdunk. so...i think its quite an honour^^
(thanx to wei who left...um...nice...comments on our blogs...LOL)

i saw God in slamdunk too.
(everyone: *glare* how did you manage to see God in that? so obsessed)
Sakuragi... the boy from whom the whole story evolved, was rejected by 50 girls in his junior high. on his first day in senior high, he saw his 51st crush.
a pretty girl stranger Haruko randomly asked him: Do you like basketball?
that moment she became his goddess.
"yes! i really like basketball!" saying that, while had never touched a basketball before in his life.
he joined the basketball team, hoping to be the awesome basketball star to win her attention & her heart, bickering and fighting always with haruko's crush Rukawa, superstar of the team.
he slowly became one essential member in the wonderful basketball world.
meeting new friends, new foes; learning about himself; learning about teamwork; learning about living and doing ur best for the cause so many have devoted all their passions to.

by the last volume of the manga, sakuragi's team was in their toughest battle, versus country's best high school team.
sakuragi had badly injured his back in a collison a few minutes before. the whole stadium's attention was on him.
could he play? could he not play?
only a few more minutes left for the match, without sakuragi, the team might well just give up and lose.
Haruko was worried and rushed down to see sakuragi during the break.
and he said the most memorable words:
I---I---I like----I like---
i really like basketball! this time i am not lying!!

a scene that never failed to touch me.
isn't it just like our walk with God?
We come to Him with whatever unpleasant selfish motives... motives we do not even want to examine too deeply ourselves.
We come to him, maybe wanting to use Him as a tool, to get whatever we desperately want.
But He does change us.
He would let us see His wonderfulness, see how much better it is to have a relationship with Him, much better than what we had wanted in the first place.
then our own selfish motives cease to be important.
analogy slightly awkward, as God is God, not basketball.
but i am sure the concept is not all absurd...


do not be afraid or ashamed if we seek God for the wrong reason. do not be discouraged if we think we come to Him because our families or friends did: we just didn't want to feel left out.
He is most wonderful.
When we are there, He will show us how wonderful it is to have a relationship with Him. Trust and walk with Him.
may not be an easy walk.
but despite the numerous difficulties, Sakuragi really enjoyed basketball, and became an awesome basketball player.
we can really enjoy God, and become great children of His.


wen can we say the words, just like wat Sakuragi said?

I really love God.
and this time i am not lying.

He will see that day come for us.

I realised...

i always tell ppl: i dun reali like self-centred ppl, and because of that, i always endeavour to be altruistic!
yet i realised i dun like ppl's self-centredness the most---
wen i myself is self-absorbed, troubled, and in rebellion with God.
but wen i am in connection with God's spirit of love, i dun even think this way.
it is a good lesson.
wen i am truly in accordance with His love, I would not be morally invasive nor live in a spirit of criticism.
"morally invasive"....LOL i find it such a wonderful term...just like "spiritually proud"... sounds so...not right... yet not uncommon human attitudes...
lets just pray we ourselves dun go down this path without awareness.


on valentines day i got a reali wonderful gift, from the Lord.
It came to me in the deep of the night, was very abrupt.
and absolutely awesome.
If I tell you wat is it... i am sure most of u would burst into laughter...
and think yn is just one incurably immature anime-obsessed addict...
yet it was something so important to me... that the magnitude of joy it brings... is just GREAT.
even my lousy, sometimes overactive imagination, can be so blessed by Him.
was inspired by tiffinity's blog: there is no better valentine than jesus.
I just pray that i will not abuse His blessings this time... as it had happened many times b4... >.<
i still need to learn to trust him more and more.
all goodness in me come from God.
It is so true.
So pray I will no longer claim wats not mine as mine, and abuse it.


so ppl understand if i talk about Parkinsonian "on" & "off" days?
i realised God is not my levodopa, and sin is not the incurable, progressively declining Parkinson's.
I cannot take some "godly boost tablets" and have a great on-phase wen i do & say Godly things. Yet during my off-phase just do watever that pleases me, while having atrociously negative thoughts. Then seeing myself in a pitable state, get some more boost and be "on" for another period of time.
and the vicious cycle continues, as the effect of levodopa gradually wearing off... then, needing stimulation in more stronger doses, it eventually lost all its effects in me.
bleak yeh?
but God is not a medication for quick relief, and at all times, I should refrain from thinking abt Him in such a way.

I realised...
it has been quite some months since my night of panic in bendigo, which made me write an email asking for prayers from our "cu" group.
should say it has been almost 6 months... and this problem hasn't haunted me once during this time.
Thank you all for ur care and prayers.
I am glad to have known u such wonderful ppls...
reali glad.

Lovely doctors

i reali reali like reali old, nice, grandpa-like consultants.
Went to outpatients this week and followed one such consultant around... in his company i was very content and very willing to learn... (comparatively speaking that is)
which reminds me of the time wen my dad spoke of my gp: hey i think the doctor u always go to has a sherlock holmes feel, don't you think?
(I have watched enuf sherlock series for him to have a firm impression of sherlock.)
...
i din realise...but now u said it...
My GP is... quite old... looked nothing different from wen me at 14 first visited him... and... he does have a very Sherlockian feel.
Now i kind of understood why I like going to him so much, especially wen i needed to vent out all my cancer paranoia.
so yes, there r very lovely doctors around.

Nippon Fever

I realised me and Angel both like Abe Hiroshi. He is a very good actor, best at subtle humour.

Sorimachi Takashi is also brilliant. He is not as popular as he used to be, but he was awesome in GTO, the all-time classic cool-teacher drama.
My favourite remained Takenouchi Yutaka. He has a more introverted and controlled style. Used to be a pretty-boy star, his acting has so much more strength now, as he is now older and uglier. LOL

I love melbourne uni

when i have some time in the holidays i like to study a few things i like...
for example: reading chinese historical essays. LOL
for quite some years I have been obsessed with this awesome chinese poet from the yuan dynasty.

born into an aristocratic family, in his teens he was renowned for his physical strength and horseriding skills, wen he was 20 he was made an army general of a vast territory. Soon after he gave up his position to his younger bro and left to study chinese lit & poetry in the capital. Wen he was 27 his literary talent became so renowned that the emperor made him head scribe of the court as well as literary teacher for the crowned prince.
Yet he found politics dark and tiresome, so wen he was 29, he again gave up his position... and went to live quietly in hangzhou...
He became a medicine man, selling muslim medicine to ppl in need.

What an awesome life.
Doesn't that remind u a bit of Kyoshiro-san from Samurai Deeper KYO, the happy medicine man? Only much more exciting.
hence the obsessed study into his life & poetry.
I googled his name and went thru the whole list of results searching for interesting facts and commentary of his life. A few essays and book titles I found belong to this chinese scholastic journal database, which I would need to pay for access.
But I suddenly remembered catalogue for the eastern asian collection in baillieu library...
they actually have his biography(in full chinese... published in 1983) stored away in some dark dusty corner... *touched*
with my student status I could access the full chinese journal database from melbourne... at no cost and at no extra time searching... *even more touched*
last nite my hand was shaking with excitement wen i clicked on the essay i really wanted.
I love melbourne uni... deep from the heart...

Ramblings

I hate the me that do things apart from God.
And I am more and more glad when i can come back to Him and affirm that He loves me.
Exam is finally finished for me. Not much sense of holiday joy, cos the exam was only a sole 40 mins oral exam.
Went to see 2 ppl at graduation today: max and yi qiu. A few friends have also done a countdown calendar for our graduation. Do i look forward to my graduation? prob not, but still i think the red roses some ppl were holding looked awesome with the cardinal red hood for medicine.
Yes I would love some red roses on my graduation too. But i guess its useless to fantasize about such things.
after exam i usually become more careless, rude and disinhibited in things I say...(usually on a mild and prob unnoticeable level)but still hopefully din offend anyone by any chance.
At my blunt insistence med family changed gathering place from glenny to jeremy's house, and still a full house turned up... was touched.. to see the mostly complete family again. As I leave I just felt sad.
at church the whole youth grp saw paul & wenshu off to china mission, and danielle is already gone. happy occasion, and a weird and ill-founded shanghainese pride came to me. Its wonderful to see shanghainese ppl being such faithful children of God.
on a racist generalisation we shanghainese have very hardened hearts, think too much and too vulgarly for our own good and very absorbed in our self-centredness. So its a truely wonderful thing to see God shaping many of our kind into Godly atypical shanghainese.
And yes I would love to go for medical mission for my electives. But before He clearly sends me I would pray and not move. However this I could fantasize about, cos sally kindly offered me over lunch: "hey if u ever want to borrow money from me just let me know. I am not that rich but around 500 should be ok..."
LOL and Hugz to sally. I reali reali do miss u too.
The greatest achievement for me this semester is to realise God does love me, and I do have a relationship with Him and I long to be closer and closer. This love is in fact similar to how I love normal humans, but only better.
Only better, much better.
Or this really shouldn't be called an achievement? cos its all His grace.
i have also realised that wen a distressed prayer is not immediately answered, it reali is not that He doesn't care. When I continue to rely on Him, He will bring me peace and His answer will come.
in retrospect, I had a very poor opinion of the character of the God I worshipped, which was.... indeed disturbing.
Thanx to His love, that grew me in Godly wisdom.

Aggressive

Chris told me: YN i think you are more aggressive now.
O_O
Am I?
maybe i am, given I was very under-aggressive. Living under an impulsive and aggressive mother I have learnt to avoid aggravation at all costs.
Maybe its her current absence at home that allowed me to give more expression to my aggressiveness.
lol
not reali.
i pray wen i am assertive, i am assertive for His glory.
and wen i am not, its always out of submission and love, not out of fear of aggravation.

Thank Him again, I learnt a gd lesson 2day.

A moment of revelation

Today I was not too troubled by my lymph nodes, but wasn't in a mood of studying either, and out of sloth and greed I had this huge craving for KFC, so was persuading tiffany to go to KFC with me. In the end I didn't go either, but went to burgundy st and bought some sushis, probably a much wiser thing to do.

Just want to share abit of some Godly wisdoms I have recently acquired. 2 wks ago at the bible study at youth group we were discussing a verse, and suddenly the revelation(probably the biggest revelation of my life came to me.

Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

I not only occasionally envy ppl's crosses which seemed lighter, but more of the times, I am glaring at other ppls' crosses that seemed much "heavier".
This tendency greatly accentuates as i frequent the oncology ward these days, look at terminally ill patients and live with a survivor's guilt that why its those ppl and not me who have to suffer such misfortune. thus I live in perpetual doubt and fear that: when will I have to deal with these horrid trials? Should I be mentally prepared for such things now so I can be strong when they actually hit me?
all of the talks, sermons, books, on "do not worry" had minimal effects on me.

But as i read about "take up his cross daily", i was suddenly hit by the word "daily".
not "take up his cross and never put it down", but "take up his cross daily".
so one's cross each day is not the same. today's cross is not tomorrow's cross.
Liberating for someone paranoid like me.
so I can just focus on taking up my own cross today, and won't need to look at other heavier crosses or speculate what is my cross tomorrow.

when I do focus and look at my cross for each day, its not such an easy task either, but to be honest, a much easier load than what i always made myself carry in the past.
And I am a much happier person when I can focus on carrying my daily cross.

Thank Him.

Psalm 73

This week sometime, out of some ill-founded despair, i decided that I had enough and i was going to stay down a pit, never coming out again.
But God has been so gracious to pull me out gently & firmly even b4 the thought became consolidated in my mind.
And I am happy that I am under His authority again.
And that just made me realise that if my uni life has been without Him, how difficult I myself would have made it to be.
Sometimes its just so hard to tell if we are going thru difficult struggles or not(whether imaginary or actual struggles). I know i am neither suicidal nor depressed, but it doesn't mean when i exaggerate a situation in a wrong state of mind, I would not walk across the driveway of austin hospital and wish the car to run me over.
So i won't need to care about anything from then on.
And that, was absolute stupidity.

during my walk with God, one thing reali strikes me is that He reali took care of me like how a Father would love an ignorant bad tempered child.
He actively pursues me, even wen I am faithless.
As I cry my eyes out in a corner because my building blocks have collapsed, he would not leave me there, for me to calm down from senseless tears and become obedient, before he communicate to me again.
He would come and comfort me and hold my hand and draw me back to Him.

one of my favourite psalms is Psalm 73
....This is what the wicked are like--
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.

If I had said,"I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed your children.
When I tried to understand all this
it was oppressive to me
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

...When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

i want to thank Him for I am loved, and for all He had done in me.

watever i say

Whatever I say to ppl, sometimes i need to say them to myself.

Just scratched my car really badly 1 hour ago.
Now in the agonising process of waiting for dad to be home to break the news.
and i noe that although mum is far away in shanghai, her wrath is going to be very stirred up as soon as the news reaches her.
she has an obsession that no mistakes ever should be made by anyone.
I fear my blog has turned into a grumblog like the one sally used to have.

Just had a visit to bou-chan's blog before, and saw the encouraging message i wrote her 2 days ago:
"watever troubles and agony you are going through, just remember that from them, beautiful flowers will blossom one day"
so yeh, watever i say to people, i really need to say to myself.

Kenshin says...

In response to tiffany’s blog.

Once upon a time, 2 people had a memorable conversation.

Kaoru: The new age has really come. We will be at peace, and that naive dream will really be reality.
Then what a wonderful thing it is, that we can all stay together!

Kenshin: But, it’s impossible…
Time changes, even kenjutsu will change, but people don’t change.
That just…doesn’t happen…
People all walk their own paths, live their own lives.
A journey without farewells, a beginning without end…
It's a little lonely, but that's how it is.

Last Friday when we gather, “some ppl flicked off to somewhere. Eventually, we dissolved and went home our separate ways”.
I was sad. Not so much for ppl flicking off, but for myself not even realizing when ppl flicked off.

So is Kenshin right or not?
Maybe he is. Since he is 28 and has seen much of the world.
Kaoru is just a naive 17 year old.

But as for us, we have the hope, that even when we are embolized to our different directions, the love of God still has the power to bind us all together,