Going...

Dear all
i am hiding the comments sections on my blog for the timebeing.... (sif lots of u comment anyway...lol)
when i am back in china i hope i don't have to worry about the state of this blog and wat ppl say on it which may offend others...
surely will allow them to reappear once i am back.
any grievances feel free to email me.
Otherwise an early Merry Christmas to everyone!
God bless!

Ulysses

Saw bits of Ulysses by Lord Tennyson from The Dante Club...
reali loved it... found the whole poem:

Ulysses
It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Matched with and aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Through scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vexed the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honoured of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breathe were life. Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this grey spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle -
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfil
This labour, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and through soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.

There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toiled, and wrought, and thought with me -
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads -you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all: but something ere the end,

Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

"that which we are, we are:
one equal temper of heroic hearts,
made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield"
absolutely beautiful!

Tea jellies

was looking around at shops in box hill yesterday, and bought a packet of tea jellies....
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....................... nice...
one is oolong tea and one is green tea... with a sweet plum inside the jelly...
never before had any nibbling food so nice...
and the packaging is reali reali beautiful too... remind me of cherry blossoms...
now seriously can't have enough of them...

green

ha... finally some time to breath...
sense of accomplishment is just...good....
and managed to move my xanga chinese blog all the way to msn spaces now...
and just want to say i fell in love with green in the past few weeks.. normally i would go for black or grey or blue or watever..
but no... this time it is green, and reali green.
even made my qq skin green as well.
if interested please visit: http://spaces.msn.com/members/Halconnen
and thanx to all my wonderful concerning friends...
I am much better now... and yes I do eat full meals 3 meals a day.
even chao said I eat more than him for breakfast. ^0^

A morning ED episode

wasn't feeling too well last nite, and slept poorly thruout the nite.. this morning woke up feeling slightly better and thought i better go into research again... didn't realise what will happen.
when i was on the tram just felt very nauseous and dizzy.. collapsed on the tram floor, ppl was all gathering over... then in my half conscious state realised that i am at my stop... jumped up from the floor and got off the tram, only to collapse for a second time... this time reali greyed out for a while...
when i woke up again i saw heaps of ppl crowding over me... and then I saw fei fei kneeling beside me.. and i was like.. this must be a dream... then i realised it wasn't... as i become oriented again.. someone called an ambulance( which is just from RMH around the corner so very convenient) then as we were waiting for ambulance this surgeon who goes to work in rmh saw me and started to ask me some questions, after 1 minute of questioning he said i sound fine and went to work.
when ambulance came from just around the corner, 2 ladies came around to check my bp... found it was low as usual... but they said i looked fine and ambulance drove back while they walked me to the emergency department. feifei was helping me with my bags and everyone else who kindly stayed with me went to uni..
had a thorough neuro exam plus lots of bp plus an ecg performed for me in ED... found that i had nothing... so i was discharged. then came straight to radiology department to meet supervisor.. feeling quite ok now.
not anything bad or disastrous... quite interesting actually.
Fainting and then lying on the ground with rmh on ur left hand side and the melb uni med building on ur right hand side do attract lots of attention... and do ensure i receive the best immediately care. (someone i thought was even attempting first aid on me... only to discover that i was actually breathing)
and with rmh just one minute from u u noe watever u have, there is nothing to worry about.

some reflections

autumn seems a good season for reflection... as you can tell its spring now and not autumn, but i sometimes almost feel that deep down i still operate according to a chinese calendar with chinese seasons...
finished my intensive trip to slamdunk land... still one more scene to write for my story yet i know its already ok for me to pull out of it, i no longer need my full concentration within the story itself to conjure up something. so yes after a not at all unwelcoming holiday I am happy to announce that I am back to the real world and enjoying real frnds' company.
Was inspired by angel several weeks ago when she was reading portrait of a lady, that i decided to dig up my own washington square, which i read several pages in yr 8 and then decided to give up out of pure boredom. really not bad at all, from the lines u can just really see human cruelty expressed in the subtlest ways...
Was considering buying Daniel Deronda for quite a while after watching the bbc series. among the female victorian writers i find George Eliot's perspective of life most profound and realistic. Gaskell has lots of wisdom and known of human joys, yet is much better at creating feel good comedies than expressing the inner parts of human thoughts. for the Bronte sisters i always have a strong dislike for their novels really lack the basic elements of a convincing story, rather insensitive and conceptual, and always in the end attempt to paste a seemingly happy ending of true love found, which is reali unconvincing and pathetic.
this morning went on a little search for some websites i used to frequent in high school... not websites for anyone's taste reali for me in my high school days was really into the culture of yaoiness.
just want to see what becomes of those sites, what is left there in the memory, and also reflect on how far i have walked from there since then, what i was lacking then which made me really into them the first place, and what I have found since that helped me to get rid of the habit completely.

saw sumthing 2day

saw a new stall in box hill today after returning from anatomy. chinese ppl again, selling little ornaments and pendants etc...
there are sum famous chinese knots (i am sure some of u noe wat i mean, those red thingy ppl usually hang in their cars)
there is one knot with a crucification hanging from it... and the price tag is labelled, same as the rest of them: fengshui. $3.00
good, maybe the fengshui masters can now use crosses as a new power gadget.
its quite sad to see the cross being misused in such ways.

on a side note, i saw rev huang 2day at box hill as well. When he saw me i was just walking out of a lollie shop... holding 4 chupa-chups in my hand... with a very big, very contented and very retarded grin on my face...
Kind of embarrassing... he must be wondering about my age...
the chupa chups weren't even for myself... why was i smiling like that?
*sigh*

Lumbar puncture

yesterday had a dream that someone performed a lumbar puncture on me...
very scary... cos the sensation was so vivid... feeling like something is being pulled out of my spine... not exactly painful... but i still have phantom memory of the pressure that was on my spine from the dream.
haven't looked at much medical related stuff these days... and no reason that out of all things i would remember lumbar puncture.
whats happening?
still giving me chills up my spine...

北宋的士大夫

很喜歡北宋的幾位名臣﹐倒不是他們有多麼才華橫溢﹐以文治天下。
而是他們很有人情味。
不僅流傳下很多他們幼年的經歷傳為佳話（如司馬光砸缸─這位先生後來可是權傾一時的名臣﹐再後來編寫了留芳百世的資治通鑒）幾位大人的愛情詩詞也是流傳至今的佳作。小時候吃鹹菜薄粥的範仲淹範大人還有一首幽默至極的牢騷詩。
絕對不是死板﹐與生活脫節的道學先生們。

下面貼一首王安石的詞﹐很喜歡:

千秋歲引
別館寒砧，孤城畫角，一派秋聲入寥廓。
東歸燕從海上去，南來雁向沙頭落。
楚台風，庚樓月，宛如昨。
無奈被些名利縛！無奈被他情耽擱！
可惜風流總閑卻！
當初謾留華表語，而今誤我秦樓約。
夢闌時，酒醒后，思量著。

我們年少無憂時

The many of us spent 10 hrs at wan's house yesterday...
a casual but very very fun 21st..
the guys loaded their cardboard body kit on wan's family wagon. and then all of us decorated the bonnet into a colourful piece of artwork.. filled with messages and photos.
Then wan drove andrew, wei, brian, and ken on a ride in his cardboard car.. with a luggage named jeremy loaded at the back.
The boys were waving to all the passing cars and bicycles and ppl standing around... and did gd for the traffic for making most cars slowing down in shock... LOL
And wan's mum cooked more for us... Steph made pink fairy floss for all of us with her fairy floss machine.
Wan made a very touching speech in front of his bday cake, then around midnite, each one of the law ppl went d&m and made a speech for wan as well...
當我們老去﹐我們依舊會記得這曾經的一天﹐記得我們年少無憂時。

Remembering Marie A.

Haven't blogged for a while, but finally found some time today. Friday morning is pretty much my full-on not working only playing around day. (other days not much work done either... just not so full-on having fun)
Being quite busy this week... due to some unpleasant problems. But i guess when one aspect of things goes too disastrous u naturally go into a self-protective mode and tune out majorly on that part and won't think much about it. It isn't a bad thing to do when u seriously don't have a solution to the problem.
Writing is really good medicine. when i sit in front of my story my brain can almost shun away everything else and just concentrate on that. Wish I can do that with my actual uni work...
so yes added another approx 10000 words to it.. now the count is 82000 something... i hav a feeling it will reach 100000...
i guess it reali helps me to make the decision that i won't abandon writing in my life in the future...
how did it start?
to be honest i think it really started from this blog... for once i realised that the many thoughts in my brain actually sound interesting if i put them down.. and ppl actually want to read it... and that i hardly ever lose enthusiasm on it... one of the very very few things in life that i can actually perservere...
so yes finally sent the 1st 5 chapters to a website, posted the 1st chapter on a discussion forum... if interested u can check my chinese blog sometime soon... mite post it there as well...
very silly slamdunk story.. but i love it... i think its reali cool.
but i know my skill is quite poor..... so for quality reading, i will recommend a masterpiece I read this week. So touched in the end... growing up can be this beautiful.
its also a slamdunk fanfic.. but you can just read it as a growing up story.
titled Marie Marie
can read it here:
http://post.baidu.com/f?kz=26290281
or here:
http://www.52sd.com/dispbbs.asp?boardID=49&ID=2686&page=1

because of the story, i went online and searched madly for Bertolt Brecht's poems... then can't find it... and then the next day went up all the way to Baillieu second floor's dusty shelfs to get the poetry collection from 1976...
and there it is, the beautiful poem:

Remembering Marie A.

It was a day in that blue month September
Silent beneath a plum tree's slender shade
I held her there, my love so pale and silent
As if she were a dream that must not fade.
Above us in the shining summer heaven
There was a cloud my eyes dwelt long upon
It was quite white and very high above us
Then I looked up, and found that it had gone.

And since that day so many moons, in silence
Have swum across the sky and gone below.
The plum trees surely have been chopped for firewood
And if you ask, how does that love seem now?
I must admit: I really can't remember
And yet I know what you are trying to say.
But what her face was like I know no longer
I only know: I kissed it on that day.

As for the kiss, I'd long ago forgot it
But for the cloud that floated in the sky
I know that still, and shall for ever know it
It was quite white and moved in very high.
It may be that the plum trees still are blooming
That woman's seventh child may now be there
And yet that cloud had only bloomed for minutes
When i looked up, it vanished on the air.

From My Utmost for His Highest

Yes one of my rare moments of overwhelming enthusiasm to blog...
not realli, just that have long wanted to post up some bits of My Utmost For His Highest.
Still some pages r so deep and profound that when i read it i get reali lost, but i won't give up trying. and wat i can already understand i post up and share.

The Conditions of Discipleship
If the closest relationship of life clash with the claims of Jesus Christ,He says it must be instant obedience to Himself. Discipleship means personal, passionate devotion to a Person, our Lord Jesus Christ. There is a difference between devotion to a Person and devotion to principles or to a cause. Our Lord never proclaimed a cause;He proclaimed personal devotion to Himself. To be a disciple is to be a devoted love-slave of the Lord Jesus. Many of us who call ourselves Christians are not devoted to Jesus Christ. No man on earth has this passionate love to the Lord Jesus unless the Holy Ghost has imparted it to him.We may admire Him, we may respect Him and reverence Him, but we cannot love Him. The only Lover of the Lord Jesus is the Holy Ghost, and He sheds abroad the very love of God in our hearts. Whenever the Holy Ghost sees a chance of glorifying Just, He will take your heart, your nerves, your whole personality, and simply make you blaze and glow with devotion to Jesus Christ.
The Christian life is stamped by "moral spontaneous originality",consequently the disciple is open to the same charge that Jesus Christ was, viz.,that of inconsistency.But Jesus Christ was always consistent to God, and the Christian must be consistent to the life of the Son of God in him, not consistent to hard and fast creeds. Men pour themselves in to creeds, and God has to blast them out of their prejudices before they can become devoted to Jesus Christ.

21st and weddings

perhaps i do hav an obsession with weddings...
seems now every 21st i go or get invited to i tend to associate it with a wedding...
got an invitation to something in Golden Pebble.. the reason why i said something is that also i am sure it is a 21st, i keep on thinking that its actually a wedding... yes Golden Pebble(i am sure some of u remember golden pebble... someone at church last yr had wedding dinner there) LOL
and yesterday went to brian's 21st... the chandeliers and finger food and drinks remind me again of a wedding... especially since kat was wearing a sari... *sweat*
I must be hallucinating... really hallucinating...
just like how sally can dream about yi qiu getting married... (hahahahaha)
but to be serious when would most if not all ur frnds feel obliged to gather together for you apart from a 21st, wedding, or a funeral?
so after a 21st... ppl either gather for ur wedding... or ur funeral.
assuming most of us wil get married.. still that would be the last time U SEE most of ur frnds gather for u.
depressing thoughts yeh?
i remember wat chris wrote on my 21st card: u think ur life is going to reach higher peaks? think again! its all downhill from now onwards...
(now ppl already 21 are all nodding in agreement.. and those not yet 21 r prob staring at me in horror... all freaked out. )

Just kidding.............. ^0^ LOL

In memory: Buzzer Beater

Buzzer beater is made into an anime! *lets open a champagne bottle to celebrate*
The first time i read Buzzer Beater I was fourteen.
i was really touched by the story... so simple, so random but so real... the choice Hideoyoshi made in the very end.
when i was 14 15, almost laughable, but most manga i read made an impact on my life, made me laugh or cry,made me into what kind of person i would become.
now nothing seems to be able to make such an impact...
but i was glad for it... reali glad for those priceless brain food i had. ^0^
Just want to celebrate a manga now coming to a much wider audience!!!!
anyone interested abt yn's anime craze can find buzzer beater online here.
http://www.itplanning.co.jp/bbch.html

post forum, story, My Utmost for His Highest

well... in rmh atm...
something interesting happened recently is that i am now one of the masters in a chinese posting forum...
on Slamdunk... (everyone: sif anything else!)
wat we do? posting up comments and stories and pictures of our fav characters... then everyone else drool all over it...LOL
mainly bc i am now almost 9-5 on the net... and the mac i use has safari not IE and therefore no msn... (unlike hc, dora, and etc etc who r always online....lol)
trying to study some anatomy... hopefully i can... lol
still prizing my fav "manga book".
my story is going well. although i hav the fear that it may go longer and longer and i wil hav to cut stuff down... perhaps i will post up a chapter or sth on my chinese blog sumday... just so u guys won't think i am just making it up and reading hentai instead..... wahahahahahaha...
writing a long story it really feels like....... bringing up a child...lots of effort and stress... but the joy of seeing it grow is mammoth...
and reading My Utmost for His Highest by oswald chambers again. First time i read it is in first year... just knew its a good spiritual book.. but at the time... din reali understand most of the stuff...
but now reading again... found so many inspiring words...
maybe wait til i get home and post up some inspiring paragraphs! *grin*
(tiff........ have u read the copy i gave to u yet? *sniff*)
^0^ have a great day!

Manga

My friends....
drew me a book of manga as a 21st bday present....
i am really really shocked and touched....
You guys r so awesome......
spent soooooooooooooooo much time and effort on it... especially irene-san... *sob*
and ken and andrew can even draw reali nice slamdunk pictures... wow.. never knew before.
*yn still in shocked and excited haze*

and yeh... started reading Bleach last friday... using fast rmh computers.
good manga r so few while the bad ones r everywhere. always feeling reluctant to read any new mangas(especially long popular ones in fear of being disappointed) since i am always in such attitude: this one is popular? r u sure its good? i better it is no match for Slamdunk or Rurouni Kenshin... i will just go back to those to get my enjoyment and not waste time on the new ones...
so yeh read a few new mangas last month or so... none too interesting... discontinued after mostly one volume i would say for the vast majority...
but Bleach is not bad... although absolutely no match for slamdunk or rurouni kenshin... but at least i didn't give it up without a second glance. much like a tough version of fruit basket,and rips off the shinsengumi culture as well...
But its reali not bad.
Anything for me to want to continue reading is not bad.

Before 21

The other day i realised that a big burden on my heart is gone, gone without me noticing... and suddenly realised that although i thought myself to be obsessive,我居然是個拿得起放得下的人呢﹗start to have sum good impression of myself now...LOL
the nite before i turned 20 i was lamenting my past youth... and dreading the ever faster aging process..
much more calm about 21 now... wisdom do increase with age as they say.
so would love to use this opportunity to look at my life, and count my blessings:
I know of the wonderful creator. He loves me despite all my doubts, grumbles, and negligence. My thoughts may change, my attitude may change, my personality may change, i may doubt i may get angry... but i won't leave this place just cos He is the Rock of eternity and i am certain of that.
I had scare of leukemia, i had scare of breast cancer.. but i am still well and sound, except for a little low bp problem... I will live and not waste away this gift of good health.
being a great passive misanthropist... i am still astonished at the blessing of so many friends i have around me... who gave me great company, great fun and laughter, and gave me insight into ur lives, and most importantly, that whatever direction i fall, i know there wil be pairs of hands to support me.
I have a pen that can draw, may be far from enuf of earning me a living... but i am still able to draw cartoon pics of friends, to see smiles upon their faces.
I have a pen that can write, prob not enuf to live on,but enuf for me to put down my imagination in logical readeable order... and i can finish 50000 words in one month...then post it for a post forum of ppl to read, to be inspired... for misrepresented ideas to be portray in an accurate true light, for His truth to be told to people in a way most acceptable to them.
everytime i count my blessings i am always struck with the doubt that if i value my blessings, does it mean when they r taken away i wil be upset?
I probably will... if my health, my friends, my ability to read and write and draw are gone... i probably would find it really really hard to accept with a good grace and be thankful to God...
but i will not be afraid of my own weaknesses, i trust in the days ahead, He will teach me and equip me more for His work, whether by trials or by blessings.

我依然會遲疑﹐依然會焦慮﹐依然會發火﹐但是我會一直走過去。

怨念

Went to donate blood 2day.... and got chucked out by ppl.... cos i hav hepatitis................................wahahahahahahahaha.....
Just that my blood pressure is shockingly low... diastolic only 47.... and they r scared that i would faint after they stab me...
2moro the booking is all full... next wk prob can't... sigh..........
and i binge ate and drank over the wkend just for this.............. *rolling on the floor sobbing*
grumble grumble grumble...
and should check my blood pressure more often....
怨念z

Drowning in formaldehyde

i never consider cadavers as something unpleasant.... and my appetite for dinner usually increase after dissection...
not today...
dissected with angel today and had a body with an extremely bad odour.................. why it smelt so bad i had no idea, prob cos it has so much fat... *sigh*
and the worst thing is that my hayfever season, instead of spring, is annually in august... and i think for the past 2 wks i actually learnt to be sensitive to formaldehyde to sum degree...
so yeh standing with my face less than 10cm away from the cadaver.. my eyes were sore, my head is heavy.. and i felt the urge to go on a sneezing bout every 2 or 3 minutes... not pleasant..... seriously not pleasant...
fortunately has tutoring so left early... no more drowning in formaldehyde...

pathetic ads ppl

i think my blog is turning into a pathetic ads space............
if this happens again i will consider shutting it down and use sth else.

Misplaced Trust

read the RBC column first thing in the morning.... so true!!!
whenever i try hard at something, i feel that i would become increasingly dependent on the outcome of it... and i think it is dangerous, therefore i don't try at all...
wats the distinguishing line btw dependent and non-dependent? does complaining one sentence mean u r dependent? does saying its nothing while suppressing a fume inside meaning u r dependent?
Like wat we always say its the heart condition.. but do we reali understand wat we think and feel all the time? subconsciously u may already be dependent even when u feel otherwise.
i must confess i am far from the stage i can say that i depend on God and not my own thoughts, my own effort and people around me... no matter how many pretty words i can say... how much i can console other ppl about relying on Him..

Been Thinking About: Misplaced Trust

If God is good, but good isn’t God, how do we avoid making some of our worst mistakes with the best things in life?

In an effort to clarify the problem of misplaced trust, what if we said to our hearts: Love God, but don’t depend on your love for Him. Seek to know Him, but don’t rely on your own understanding. Make it your purpose to serve Him, but don’t ever imagine that He’s indebted to your service. Make it your objective to please Him, but don’t depend on your own efforts to do so.

Listen to your conscience, but don’t depend on your own ability to discern right from wrong. Plan your way, but don’t presume to know what’s ahead.

Seek good relationships, but don’t depend on good relationships. Try to find the company of wise people, but don’t stake your life on their counsel. Know the Word of God, but don’t make a god of your knowledge. Surround yourself with good teachers, but don’t idolize them. Feel sorrow for your sin, but don’t count on your sorrow to assure rightness with God.

Count your money and manage it well, but don’t suppose that any amount of money can secure safety or satisfaction. Establish budgets to discipline your use of resources, but don’t depend on your budgets. Work hard, but don’t depend on your work.

Sacrifice for the sake of others, but don’t depend on your sacrifice. Be generous, but don’t depend on your generosity. Seek to be self-disciplined, but don’t rely on your own self-discipline. Seek at all costs to be good, but don’t rely on your own goodness or godliness.

Be clever, but don’t depend on your cleverness. Seek to be wise, but don’t trust your wisdom. Try to understand yourself and others, but don’t lean on your own communication skills.

Be kind, but don’t rely on your kindness. Love others, but don’t be proud of your own love. Give gifts to others, but don’t depend on your gifts to accomplish the intent for which you gave them. Work hard to be a peacemaker, but don’t make peace into a god. Be faithful to others, but don’t rely on your own faithfulness.

Seek to be successful, but don’t bank on your own accomplishments. Try to be efficient, but don’t rely on your own efficiency. Be careful, but don’t depend on your own carefulness. Work to make good decisions, but don’t depend on your own decisions. Develop a strategy, but don’t count on your strategies. Set goals, but don’t depend on your goals. Define clear and measurable objectives, but don’t count on your objectives.

Pray, but don’t make an idol out of your prayers. Make worship a priority, but don’t depend on your worship. Know your spiritual gifts, but don’t pin your faith on them.

Entrust yourself to others, but don’t depend on others. Follow good leaders, but don’t depend on good leaders. Surround yourself with good advisors, but don’t rely on your advisors. Read good books, but don’t depend on books. Value friendships, but don’t depend on your friends. Be careful about your appearance, but don’t rely on good looks. Try to stay healthy, but don’t depend on your own efforts to be healthy. Enjoy rest, but don’t live for your weekends. Exercise your body, but don’t trust your exercise to assure well-being and health. Try to live a long life, but don’t count on a long life.

Enjoy good times, but don’t depend on good times. Be thankful for today’s provisions, but don’t lean on these provisions for tomorrow.

Value a good education, but don’t worship education. Learn from your mistakes, but don’t depend on what you’ve learned. Use technology, but don’t depend on technology. Invest your money wisely, but don’t count on your investments.

Try to think clearly, but don’t depend on your own thoughts. Try to reason logically, but don’t be conceited about your own thoughtfulness. Value your accomplishments, but don’t become puffed up over them.

Honor your parents, but don’t live for your parents’ approval. Love your children, but don’t make gods of them. Enjoy your grandchildren. Pray for them. Give them your love and example. But don’t tie your hopes and dreams to their choices.

Father, help us to hear You when You urge the wise not to trust in their wisdom, nor the strong to depend on their strength. Help us to hear You when You invite us to rely on this and this alone—that we know You, the everlasting God (Jeremiah 9:23-24). Teach us, Father, to trust what You have done for us through the undeserved provisions of Your Spirit, Your Son, and Your grace.

And help us to hear your servant when he lovingly writes, “The Son of God has come and has given us an understanding, that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols” (1 John 5:20-21).

Ume.... and lamenting an aging cat

was walking back from library today and saw on the side of the road... a ume(aka plum blossom)tree blossomed.... was staring at it for a while almost transfixed...
its rare to see such a sight in australia... still remember the years i had in China when ppl are all obsessed and overboard with the "personified" quality of ume... of being unique, battling the adverse surroundings and offering beautiful flowers to ppl in cold winter days, that ume almost became a tool of lecture and propaganda and most of us i believe were turned off from ume since young...
when we write abt our fav flower we would never say ume...thinking its just so uncool...
but today when i am standing in front of that solitary tree.... see some budding... some blossoming... I just realised... how heavenly beautiful is ume... in the clean wintry air... just beyond words to describe!
walking along closer to home... i realised that was a fluffy ball stationary on a neighbour's fence... and realised its the abandoned old black cat well known in our neighbouhood.. now reali old... fur all puffed up, just lying there still not even bothering to move at the sound of footsteps...
remembering myself in yr 10 very obsessed with slamdunk... and doing my utmost to impersonate Rukawa...(who in one scene beckons a black cat) it was with such delight that i met face to face with that black cat one day... and practised my beckoning gesture on him... and for many days afterwards, not realising that the cat was abandoned by the owner thats why it was looming around in the streets.
5 yrs ago the cat was still young... just abandoned... still energetic, seeking love and attention....
5 yrs later he hardly cares. His eyes are cold and apathetic, with no self-pity nor sadness.

Get Happy--Dorothy the Dinosaur

Yesterday was making my way to home and just walking pass the big Dorothy the Dinosaur in Box Hill Centro... Suddenly realised how cute and adorable it it... that it brought a big smile upon my face...
its reali true that when we were small, we get happy by simple joys of seeing a big dinosaur, picking up some colourful flowers, eating a piece of dumpling... etc etc.. and as we become older and older... these things start to lose their appeals to us more and more... until we become so apathetic and their existences become to insignificant for us to notice or appreciate.
Life is full of troubles and trials... but that does not mean we should lose the ability to be happy, to appreciate the little beauties of life.
Yesterday 8 of us had a Christian gathering at Andrew's house... before i leave was reading the Bible... came upon 1 Corithians 15 from a new light:
15The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment:
Just reali encouraged me that I am going to a gathering for God... and my parents, or anyone not believing can misunderstand if they want to... but I do not have to be subject to their judgements... cos the mystery of God's wonders they haven't experienced yet.
sense of freedom can sometimes come just so simply...

1939

Today did very little..... 4 out of the 5 fellow amsers left by 11:30am....but heard something from an IT technician thats reali interesting.....
he told me this radiologist would come in the technician office every tuesday afternoon for a few hrs to read films and write notes and comments.... then he asked me to guess what year did the radiologist graduate from uni of melb med school....
i couldn't know........ so he told me: 1939...... (not the yr he's born.... but the year he graduated.) And he said the guy comes in cos he doesn't want his brain to go rusty......
a 90sumthing old man coming to hospital EVERY tuesday afternoon to read films for the department..................................while a normal person may just vegetate out at home to enjoy the few yrs thats left of his/her old bones......
More inspiration for me to utilise my lazy youthful bones.......

925

From 2moro onwards i will be stepping into a happy 9to5 working person's lifestyle..... although when clinical reali comes.... the hrs may go more irregular... but definitely not shorter.... so yeh..... full-on working person from now on minus the financial rewards.
ppl always seem to marvel at a med student's idleness because of the unnecessarily long 6 yr course...... not realising that we actually farewell the idyllic uni lifestyle probably one of the earliest..
didn't reali realise this until friday when i went to see my supervisor then strolled casually to union house computer lab to read scanned mangas on the net..... that this is prob the last time i can be so relaxed and with so much freedom at hand...
oh well i guess a bit of discipline and routine can reali do my lazy bones much good.

hot chocolate on cold winter days

i prefer coffee so much more than chocolates.. except...
Yesterday went shopping with mum... and found something reali nice with delight! a set of suckao cups!!! exactly like wat u get in max brenner... the candle, the steel cup, the egg shaped cup warmer... and the very unique metal straw! i was so happy when i found it... spent an afternoon admiring them...
so got myself some choc chips.. and a cup of milk.... lit the candle... and there i was.. sitting freezing in my unheated room... yet warmed and amuzed drinking suckao at home.

a bit about me, and friends

i think i sometimes tend to depersonalise my blog posts... very little day to day experiences... little opinions about things... just writing to amuse an audience almost...
well... still working on the story atm... but since the high from the macdemia latte had today at Gloria Jeans hasn't worn off... decide to mite as well post something in English.
Met up with Carrie 2day... after half a yr not seeing each other almost... did nothing except sitting around and talk... FELT SO GOOD! almost as if back to the good old girl-school days... cracking stupid girl school jokes...refer to ppl in nicknames only we know... laughing and getting annoyed abt sad non-descript guys who had been annoying... almost felt like i am young and energetic again for some reason... by swapping silly trivial complaints as jokes almost...
has also been able to tell her about some of the grievances haven't reali shared with ppl.. seems so natural that she is told abt them... not so much as in she is the only person i felt comfortable to tell... or after thinking abt it so many time now at that moment it bursted out... just a very natural thing for me to say, for her to listen...
discussed a bit about church issues... seems that both of us will need to pray more about them and wait for God's work.
i just feel that the tight screw i put on myself since start of this year in order of self-control has finally unwinded a bit... able to express my emotions and thoughts comfortably without worry of causing any distress by anger or sadness going disproportionate.
just also made me think how much i relied on the group of "US" for support during my weakest days... how much they made me happy... how much word they said that made me so touched that i had to choke back tears... how secure and content and grateful i feel everyday in their presence, almost like my family to me.
very different feel... like one supports and one unwinds.. but without either i won't do...
after all the hardest bits had been through in this one... knowing there r always friends i can fall back on, its about time i can allow myself to slowly unwind and not be so tense about controlling myself.
And worse things may befall in the future... i guess i am always going towards being a bit more brave, a bit more firm, have a bit more strength, and of course a bit more faithful to God.

(got the idea of saying what i reali feel rather than thinking wats the point telling ppl...... a bit influenced after a conversation i had last nite.... a usually happy person admitting that he is not happy about things... kind of a triggering factor...
決定今後不要畏頭縮腦﹐不喜歡就是不喜歡。)

1st day, and a song

1st day of AMS... doesn't even feel like it apart from the ppl who are not here anymore. The 8 of us got chopped down to 4.... only the guys' gang formation and their carefree laughters made us feel that nothing much has changed.
last week added 10000 words or so to my story... sounds alot but 2000 words a day reali isn't much... hope i can reali resolve to continue and finish it for posting sometime.
b4 already wanted to separate a blog into chinese and english... but 2day prob going to break the rule... and post the lyrics of a song i reali like... 品冠's 門沒鎖. lyric actually quite normal love song stuff... yet the music has an unusally cheery, bright,even nonchalant tone... as if saying:
no need to make everythiing larger than life, 人生來來往往﹐有愛有恨﹐不過一首歌而已。
~門沒鎖~
品冠

扭開電視第二播
畫面一幅幅過
左耳跟著右耳閃躲
留眼睛獨自寂寞
門沒鎖進來坐
電話怎么沒響過

我削了一個苹果
只放著沒咬過
明明感覺你來吻我
卻怎么沒發生過
門沒鎖進來坐
連螞蟻也不放過

天都黑了你都沒來過沒來坐
戲都完了眼都沒眨過沒哭過
完美的劇情錯過
傷心戲份太多
太脆弱
連哼一聲都傷我

天都黑了誰都沒來過沒來坐
衣都挑了鞋都沒臟過沒走過
想要的戲也買錯
愛的人不愛我
太難過
我還能浪費多少個結果

in momentum

Today at donny pp didn't feel like anything cold.... so ordered a latte..... very strong one... and since haven't been drinking much coffee at home, the stimulant really gave me a high, which lasted till now...
farewelled alison before her trip to pommy land... the guys sang a reali sad and sweet song for her... i almost wanted them to stop singing cos it was reali making everyone sentimental and alison crying more...
got home and still on high... decided to decorate some 'romantic' fotos with my trial ulead photoimpact program which is expiring in 27 days...
spent one hr on 2 fotos. hope they r entertaining enuf. i certainly had fun.
and yeh good news that my story is back in momentum... has been delaying it so much this hols...... by pure laziness.. but once i started again... the joy of it is so great!!!

朦朧記: on my sherlockian world...

very early 2day morning, after alena's bday party, mummy Tiff drove us 6 kids home...^0^ As we were driving along Flinder St, fog slowly encroached upon us..... slowly slowly the clear nite air turned white... very difficult for Tiff to drive..... (gd job tiff....^^) yet it is so beautiful! The night lights shine a gentle warm glow... illuminating the translucence... for a while i felt we were somewhere in the gas-lit night air of Sherlockian London...
Very wonderful experience indeed...
Sally visited my place yesterday, after her dentist appointment..... we watched some anime, talked and had some yum cha stuff for lunch. She was wearing her Sherlockian coat!!!! so nice............. Took a foto of her..... looking very Sherlock.... *yn drools*
(Dave waving a murderous knife at me already......)
Just kidding!^0^

Inspiring verses from Leviticus

Some verses in Leviticus are so comforting and inspiring!!! Quite true that we shouldn't neglect any particular book while we do Bible reading.
Leviticus 25: 20-22 You may ask, "What will we eat in the seventh year if we do not plant or harvest our crops?" I will send you such a blessing in the sixth year that the land will yield enough for three years. While you plant during the eighth year, you will eat from the old crop and will continue to eat from it until the harvest of the ninth year comes in.
Loving Heavenly Father who plans and prepares so far ahead to make sure we will WANT FOR NOTHING. More faith and less worrying!!! ^0^
The next verse equally brilliant:
Leviticus 25: 23 The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you are but aliens and my tenants.
How many things in the world we like to go out of our ways to get? and then struggle to keep? Not only materialistic thing but many more... Bear this verse in mind... we can let go of many things more easily and with better grace...

JB! JB! JB!

coming back to my english blog for a while.... after writing so much chinese realised how easy it is to write english, no need to find the correct character..... ^0^
been listening to Kangta recently..... In If You Go the R&B very authentic.... in many ways superior than so many of the chinese singers who attempt at R&B in various albums...
watched a few Holmes episodes... everytime remembering Jeremy Brett who passed away 10 years ago, i usually feel a bit sad watching him as Holmes.. strut about so confidently and charismatically, like a true Holmes reincarnate...
to think such a mild, jolly, soft-spoken actor could play Sherlock Holmes, and so brilliantly.... that even 2o yrs after he made the series.. it has not been forgotten....
Miss a world with JB... and his wonderful sense of humour.
JB quote on Holmes:
And of course such a giant, such a genius, such an isolated, damaged penguin....

In memory of Simon Ng and the thought of heaven

Yesterday wendy showed me Simon Ng's blog. (http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=ToTo247) Although i know of that gruesome story ages ago... to be able to see that fateful blog entry was slightly overwhelming...
What was he thinking in the last hr of his life? i reali wonder...
Was he so oblivious of the impending danger that he kept on rambling abt his jap homework? Or he sensed something majorly wrong, but was trying to self distract and sound ok in order to normalise the situation?
When crisis arises, at least for me... my coping strategy often is to normalise, to seek a route back to the normal ways. Like when i had my cancer scare, i just wish that all is normal, i can still study for my exam despite how unwilling i was, i can still get told off by mum for trivial matters... as long as they r normal...
reading his comment about the cleaned floor... is just sad... really sad... If he knew what will happen next? will he not worry abt the cost, break the window and run for his life?
Not sure if he was a Christian or not, but it is amazing reading the 3 thousand something comments how many of them said "RIP in heaven".... seems it is the only appropriate thing to say and the only thing ppl want to say... (it does sound strange if u say: have a prosperous and happy next life...in Buddhist theory)
it just sounds weird if it turns into a mere good wish... (although i am sure i am fully capable of saying it to comfort people b4 i believed)
in fact i must confess that my idea of heaven has become less and less favourable after i become a Christian... having believed b/c i thought my current life was going out of control... i was never attracted to believe because of heaven...
and i mostly often have this feeling that it is just somewhere i wil end up eventually... if sin does not take over me and send me to eternal fire. i don't remember myself feeling excited about heaven at all... The description in Revelation about New Jerusalem walled in precious stones really does not have much appeal... And since whether married ppl r still married in heaven still sounds debatable in different books... i sometimes tend to have a nightmarish image of heaven in which family cease to be family, friends cease to be friends, and everyone wear white gowns and get numbered off into different places.
This sounds rather horrible so ppl plz rebuke me and so we won't live under strange negative impressions...
i still remember the time i talked to danielle and ariel about heaven one saturday nite..
1st we were talking about PLC old collegian association.. and danielle said to me: being called Old Collegians feels like we are already old ladies having afternoon teas... i don't feel like getting old....
and i, having just recovered from my little cancer scare early in the week, said: oh we can get old and have afternoon tea...... IF we r lucky.
danielle, knowing what i had went thru in that wk, immediately said: thats true, but otherwise we will just have Old Collegian afternoon tea in heaven, even better!
and ariel also added: u know when we r in heaven we can meet Einstein and Newton and stuff and we can ask them all about physics! (she is very enthusiastic abt physics as u can c) can't wait!
Their words almost reduced me to tears... even today whenever i thought about the Old Collegian afternoon tea.. i feel like i want to go to heaven.
i should have more faith in God who provided my life so abundantly. it is absurd that when i have such confidence in His work in my life now, to think that His plan for us in heaven would be poor and grim.

A day of pulling strings 2gether

It is such a good feeling that nowadays i can spend more time on the Bible. Opened the book of NT commentary again, and went straight to Revelation this time... certain parts of it are realli amazing... like the 7 promises with the 7 churches... never noticed it before...
Still remember the days when i first opened a Bible and decided to seriously look at it.....seemed every now and then a verse would jump into my eye and enlighten me. Nowadays i must confess that i just felt it seldom happens... If i read any passage without the aid of study bible or commentary it simply feels like a story... perhaps its due to the fact that last semester i've been mainly focusing on the Old Testament, and passages like skin diseases from Leviticus may not be so related to our lives now... but if there is any part of me going apathetic i do hope to revive a godly passion again. ^^
Has not been so keen about my English blog these days...... probably because i am kind of forcing myself to write in the Chinese blog first... It is bad every time i read books and have so many thoughts in my head and do nothing about them... so decided to at least release them somewhere.
Today was informed by mum, in my rather impoverished state, that i am still in possession of 2 $50 Myer vouchers... And she... suggested me to go shopping.......... (she still doesn't know about the 2 committee meetings this weekend... *sweat*) So i thought why not, since she actually recommended it and i have money to spend...
so yep , spent whole morning in the city... shopping. Found some presents, got myself a pair of espirit pants... and went again to readers' feast to grab Matthew Pearl's Dantes Club... a book i have always wanted since last year. Finally made the decision to buy it.... So happy!

Reading the Bible on toilet

During the trip the most memorable thing i did was to read Bible sitting on toilet cover...
being a poor sleeper as i always am.... on the 3rd day i was already half awake at 7... decided to visit the bathroom... then i realised there was something on the toilet seat. Turned on the light.... i realised it was Glad wrap...... In the half sleeping state i was too tired to take a foto so just took it off and put it in the bin.
Went back to bed, half slept for another 1hr.... prayed silently on bed for another half an hr or so and decided to get dressed, then carrying my bible and tooth brush out so not to wake up anyone else by another trip back.
I pushed open the door to the kitchen......... and saw: Glad wrap...... covering the whole door frame. just outside the door, were couches and sofas arranged vertically to block the way...
Thinking it was just a joke from the guys, i tore open the Glad wrap and pushed the couch slightly away to maked way.... wait! i thought i heard some strange sounds?????
walking out.... i saw that the guys were all sleeping around the kitchen and tv area behind the couches........ not in their usual downstair rooms.......
and they got all woken up, by my intrusion. Like what i would do.......... i retreated...
Guys were sleeping outside, everyone else were sleeping in their bedrooms... not wanting to wake up either parties again...... i put down the toilet cover, and sat on it to read the Bible.
It was actually not totally unwelcoming... sitting among confined spaces allow me to concentrate more..
Meanwhile the guys barricaded the couches again.
Not til an hr later did irene and dora wake up and we together overcame the barricade.
It is just such a fun silly experience i will never forget.

端午遐思: poet and murder

Yesterday... dragon boat festival. I never know wats the correct english translation for it.... so dragon boat will have to do...lol
every time it comes i am reminded of the story behind it.
The most well known version: a poet and politician who was very disillusioned abt the king, worried that his country would be invaded by a kingdom from the west. In order to give protest to the king's nonchalance... He jumped into a river and killed himself. Later days people remember him by having boat race on the river and throwing down rice wrapped in leaves cos they think he mite go hungry living down there in the riverbed.
but i just remembered another theory i read once on newspaper when i was stil a kid, the more i think about it the more sense it makes.
The poet fell in love with the king's most favourite concubine (the allusion of which is not so obscure in a few of his poems) Either an affair ensued or the king just want to make sure it won't happen, but to avoid public exposure, he sent for an assassin.
Then try to imagine the situation, the assassin followed the poet to the riverside. Desperate to escape the poet got on a boat, and the assassin started chasing on a boat as well. (sounds familiar? the dragon boat race) Eventually the assassin caught up with the poet, murdered him, and wrapped his body up, tied up with strings (even more familiar? 粽子) and threw the body into the river. People who witnessed the murder on shore do not dare to expose the king, but left clues of the murder in all the traditions we have today.
History is often unplesant situations idealised.
I didn't post this yesterday in fear of ruining ur appetites for 粽子... my most sincere apology if any discomfort is caused. ^0^

going nuts

early this morning woken up from a really bad nightmare: went to see the doctor and the doctor found lumps everywhere in my body... then she opened up my shoulder and axillary to show me all the layers and show me what went wrong... i woke up with cold sweats, all the fears 3 wks ago came back to me... fortunately went back to sleep... this time dreamed better: lingli having her 21st bday party.... still random but so much more pleasant.
this morning was feeling my axillary.... feels kind of a tiny swelling in one of the central LN... Reactive hyperplasia? psychopathic? i don't know but i am just paranoid.... i am sure the doctor won't feel anything if i go to her... but it doesn't mean its not there.
although i can still function normally and if i don't touch anything nothing much is wrong, but i really feel my body has been going nuts for a while and is seriously not stopping...... >_<

Procrastination(courtesy of kolin...lol)

decided to fast from North and South for a day 2day... perhaps the best i can manage. the music stuck in my head is getting a bit annoying. and i seriously waste time thinking abt it... when i take a nap i really hoped that i could be lying on the country lawn under the gentle sunshine in Helstone... daydream daydream.......
it has been quite amazing especially during the exam period... seems that everytime i waste time too much i get an encouraging email from someone...which gets me motivated again(unfortunately not for long) some of them rather unexpected.... this really is a time that i am receiving so much love from ppl. it seems that only now i realised how many friends i have... *sweat* (sori yn is very retarded)

North and South

i have largely neglected my blog.
down with a bad cold on sunday, physically quite lethargic, or is it really just my excuse for not concentrating on my studying? mum and dad both down with abd discomfort and nausea 2-3 days after lunch at my dad's favourite yum cha restaurant. Funny how my GIT is not so sensitive to this agent of infection, or should i not speak with such confidence as it may still be cooking up something during its incubation period?
watched last episode of north and south on sunday nite, it was such a brilliant series. now absolutely addicted to it... and the theme music... i just couldn't give up humming it all day.^0^ a series well done always can attract its audience.
in fact this victorian english influence has been so strong that i haven't really read or touched much chinese over the last few days. not only do i now think about words to say in an old-school northern industrial accent... i do discover that some of my long neglected english skills has come back to me. Quite amazing indeed.

Parting song

I always really liked the ending theme from Dae Jang Geum:
o na ra o na ra a ju o na
伊人欲來 何時歸來
ka na ra ka na ra a ju ka na
伊人欲去 何時離去
na na ni ta ryo do mou no na ni
我欲乘風飛翔 卻遍尋不著伊人蹤影
a ni ri a ni ri a ni no ne
伊人何在 留我獨自失落
he i ya di i ya he i ya na ra ni no
唉喲 這該如何是好
o ji do mo ta na ta ryo ka ma
伊人你若不歸 請帶我一起離去
he i ya di i ya he i ya na ra ni no
唉喲 這該如何是好
o ji do mo ta na ta ryo ka ma
伊人你若不歸 請帶我一起離去

And someone commented about the song which i think is so true:
歌詞表達出一種意境:
因為人們來過此地,所以不是永遠停留此地;
因為人們離開此地,所以不是永遠離開此地...
正如這齣戲所隱含的主題,放掉人生不必要的執著,謙遜地接受人生真實面:
人生的起起落落,生和死....
Translating for those whose computer not chinese supported:
the song is basically saying:
because ppl come here... thats why they don't stay here forever;
because ppl leave and go away, thats why they don't stay away forever.
(sori......... seems the chinese makes more sense than my translation)

disturbed.....

at irene's request, i am doing another post...*grin*
talked with grandma this morning..... had my dose of Shanghainese anecdotes.
one story concerns a boy mathematician in primary school who wins lots of maths olympiad prizes... one day he was absent from school and the rest of the class asked the teacher: why is he absent 2day?
the teacher told them that the boy's grandpa passed away and he had to attend the funeral.
Then the whole class started clapping in joy
one of the boys said: finally his grandpa(who was a university maths professor) died! now no one can teach him maths anymore and he will become all crap!
Very disturbed kids...

WORRYLESS

in the computer lab b4 pbl...... can't find any robbins and forgot to bring the one i had at home...... so decided to just write a post.
checked my mail and read the deep touching 32kb email by jia jia...... got very very touched, by her thankfulness, her joy and also the wonderful grp of 'US'...... almost in such a pessimistic way... that such happiness, such closeness, such friendship that we all shared are so rare and precious and that it won't last long...
but even though we r going our separate ways.... and things will never be the same again, we still have the memory of the 2.5 yrs of fun and joy, and its a period of time we can look back and never regret yeh?
i still remember sometime last wk, when the grp of us who normally have to be scattered in seating b/c we r too big a grp.... actually managed to find seats that r 2gether in 3 rows...
while seating there... seeing jeremy, kevin and hc harrassing bei on the left..... dora taking foto with her beloved camera in front..,. andrew and ken sharing their sweet joke of 2 behind, and ff munching on her fav pickle and pork bun on my rite... that moment i was just so overwhelmed by a sense of security and happiness....
i love the word "worryless", because none of us can live in this world worryless....
because we can let the joys and laughters, albeit on small things.... take over the imperfection, the disappointments, the anxiety, the worries we had, and the joys went on to infest the rest of US.
i think, even in the years to come, when life will pressurise us more and more...
i will still be able to remember the stupid things we did, and our classic line----
DON'T WORRY.

Crazy Song

Got my blood test result back.... all clear... very joyous...for some reason just felt like spending money, so after getting off tram got heaps of breadtop home to share with mum....... just to discover that she is cooking heaps 2nite.... *sigh* lol
more amazing about yth grp.... just learnt yesterday that the program was changed from a Revelation study to a speaker.... which in my opinion definitely could be more SEEKER-friendly.... ^0^ will keep on praying! ^0^
and last clinical placement.... the very last patient we saw.. has bipolar disorder( aka maniac depression) who refused to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist.
very successful ceo of a company... travelled around the world... even went to shanghai and took the bullet train, and he also went on and on about his house and the apartment he bought...
and when the doctor asked him when can you slow down and take care of urself? He went: the day i die. sori this is just my personality doc.. i can't slow down...
then he went on about how he is actually in control... holding himself 2gether... using buddhist philosophy, which gave him a very holistic healthy mind... while us...... the spectators of the room just felt like we r watching a show..... and the person is so pathetic that he din know how sad he is...
the question still is: what can we do about him?
nothing..... the doctor said.. since we can't convince him, and he is still doing what he is doing, we can only leave him like that.... just give him some anxiolytic.... and have our fingers crossed that he won't go bankrupt or that we won't get any suicide notice.......
how many ppl in this world are like him? motivated, gd in career, successful.. yet so miserable? and more disturbing how many of us are going down this path?
and what can we do about them?
which we prob need to spend a whole life learning about.
God bless and take care everyone.

P.T.L.

When i was downloading manga 2day suddenly got a fone call.... 1st wasn't sure who called... then realised its 1st yr uni gal who's a family friend's daughter... i helped her a bit with umat and study skills during her exam period, haven't contacted her at all after her yr 12 exam... so thought its just so "RANDOM" that she contacted me again...
the reason why she called was just amazing... 1 minute into the fone call she was like: i heard u go to church, can you bring me to church sometime? *though still sounding polite and calm.... yn's heart already underwent binary fission and went flying around the whole room* ^0^
like the term we like to use..... it just sounds so "RANDOM" to me...
then i talked to her mum.... who said her daughter after going to uni starts to get very interested in Christianity.... she mention once about wanting to know more about Christian stuff several wks ago...... and her mum was like: oh yeh she's just saying it.... but then she mentioned to her mum again yesterday, and her mum was like: man she is actually serious! then her mum was like: hey doesn't yi ning go to church all the time? why dun u call her?
*heart still in binary fission mode*
This definitely is not RANDOM... God planned it..... her friends who r Christians may have been praying for her, evangelising her..... but its just so amazing how God can work wonders even through secular interactions btw ppl!
More amazing is that since last wk my mum has been very worried abt my health and decided to ban me from late nite going outs.... last wk didn't go to yth grp.... has been worried for quite a while whether she will be ok with me bringing up going to yth grp again......
but here we r.... the gal wants to come to yth grp, and mum was like: oh yeh bring her this Saturday!
I don't know what to say about His plan.
Praise the Lord.

Feeling: Winter

The weather has finally cooled down..... now at last some feel that deep autumn and early winter is fast approaching.... my favourite season.^0^ love the cool clear air.... the gentle yet distant warmth of the wintry sun...
Yesterday found a new novel by Eileen Chang at the library...... 1st almost thought it was a fake... yet realised with great delight that its actually a story never published b4! The same old laughable yet melancholic feel... definitely her style.
The last 2 wks felt very long..... did hardly anything..... now majorly need to catch up on studying... for those who know about my massive teenage obsession.... well i am a bit hooked onto Slamdunk again.
When i was in my most prostrate anxious state i opened the pages of a Slamudnk manga..... and funny thing..... how i felt most vulnerable yet comforted.. by a comic...
In high school days when i read Slamdunk i am often struck by a sense of guilt as in it may seem laughable how i am so obsessed with cartoons..... but now i could simply say... even Slamdunk, is what God has blessed me with. 1 Corithians 10:31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
God has been so merciful... in difficulties and desperation He grew me... The prayer i prayed last Sunday... Lord i am so scared..... i really can't feel your presence... but i am still going to say... You will never abandon me... i really don't think this is doing me any good... but i am still going to say... You are full of goodness and You blessed me.
The very first time i prayed like this... completely disregarding my feelings... In short He grew my faith and drew me closer.
Finally I really thank Him for my wonderful friends... when I am weak, paranoid, prostrate... u are so concerned for me, so patient, and so diagnostic(especially sally*cough*)! ^0^ In high school i sometimes get bored and frustrated thinking: why can't my high school life be as exciting as Slamdunk?
But now i realise... u guys have really been the Slamdunk to me... (lol from me this is the highest compliment^^) My uni life has been so good because of u all.
All for the glory of God.
Agape,

Emetic

Yesterday nite got so amazed reading about malaria... Mosquitos actually have salivary glands!!!! and gut mucosa as well!!!! to imagine such a puny little thing would have a complete set of digestive system reali amazed me... so cute!
I better stop calling them cute before Sally decides to hack me down with an axe...
Today at clinical placement.... saw a guy with a pedunculated wart on the flexor side of his arm... a realli big irregular-shaped pinky one... and it looks just like a miniature pink-skin potato........ with the strains of haemorrhage that looks like the pink skin creases... and also bits of pus coming out that look like the shoots coming out of non-fresh potatoes......
OK i better stop being graphic before everyone else decides to hack me down.....
but yeh saw a mini surgery as the doctor cuts away the wart.... and uses liquid nitrogen to freeze the base....... highlight of the day. ^0^
Dinner appetite unaffected.

bad paranoia

yesterday talking with ppl on msn and when my hand was feeling around my neck i suddenly felt a small round pea like prominence on the left side of my neck.... got freaked out and started to ask adrian about lymph nodes.... he kind of diagnosed and said it should be fine..... infection type swelling..
and sally diagnosed something similar as well....
but the prob is that i dun normally get swollen lymph nodes for infections... and the lymph node is not tender as it should be...
but yeh slept early...
and 2day in the morning studied for some pbl... the learning issue being examination of the lymph nodes... reali didn't help... read abt all the comparison btw infection and malignancy.... then just got so paranoid feeling over the prominence over and over again.. is it moving, not moving??? why is it not tender since it should be tender in infections?? isn't it a bit bigger than yesterday??? how come its not going away.......
so yeh... got really really really paranoid that i couldn't even function properly.... even thinking up about all the possibility of cancers and how scary would it be if i end my life so young without any contribution to ppl..
so yeh... our family already have a tendency to be paranoid abt health status.. while as my water half-bucket knowledge of medicine... kind of exacebates this paranoia tendency... really not a gd thing......
either i will hav to study more.. or reali force a stop on this paranoia......

little mermaid

In complete relaxation mood....
watched Young Andersen.... taped yesterday from SBS.... before just taped it because its a period drama and abt the fairytale writer Andersen... expected something kiddish.. feel-good comedy....
But i was so wrong......
it was a sad....... dark piece that really explored the dark complexity of human character.... and the filming technique is really powerful... i was surprised... a movie from Denmark so beautifully done... almost like unexpectedly finding a jewel...
strongly recommended.... anyone who wants to watch it can ask me....*grin*
Thoughts drifted back to the Andersen fairytales i read as a kid.... and once i think in Grade 4 the whole class of us went to see a Little Mermaid play.... up to the scene where the witch gave little mermaid a knife and tell her to kill the prince so she won't die.... up on the stage little mermaid was struggling kill or not to kill..... while the whole class of us... (at least 50) all stood up and yelled: KILL! KILL! KILL!
i bet everyone else sitting there that day watching the play all got so freaked out..... grade 4 kids already so murderous....... and 50 of them.....
dunno why.... at that time we reali thought to kill reali made sense??hmm.....
but yeh...... my primary school friends and myself r all pretty decent law abiding ppl now.... so no need to sweat.....haha (everyone: r u sure????)
Revising Dae Jang Geum again...... its such a brilliant TV series!!! and so inspiring.... abt never to give up in adverse circumstances..... one of the most beautiful lines:
" 長今, 妳是那種即使放在雪地上 也會開出美麗花朵的種子 "
take care everyone,

Aging grace

Went on clinical placement yesterday, wasn't too exciting. With a female doctor who is not reali that kind or jolly happy.... but she is quite skillful in dealing with difficult patients... Remind me a bit of Dr Asada from Team Medical Dragon....
Yes i think although would be a bit scary... but i definitely would enjoy learning from a doctor like Asada, rather than the more professionally compassionate but distant doctors.
So yeah: a dream for clinical school... get to know a doctor like Asada and follow him/her around to learn stuff...^0^
In the afternoon went to a nursing home to check up on 2 residents... 1 is really depressing: has Parkinsons and also a malig BCC which she denied that she has... the doctor tried to tell her but she was just like.. you ppl r joking, i don't believe you... and she laughed it off......
the other lady is much more pleasant.. having dementia...she yet is still so optimistic abt life... enjoying chocolates..... getting ppl in to do her nails for her.. And most amazing is when her daughter visits her(the daughter knows the doc as well) and start to tell us about her own husband who just recovered from a serious illness... and suddenly the mum...lying on bed said to her daughter... you know why he wasn't feeling that bad during the whole thing??? because I was praying for him!!!
Soooooooooooooooo............. sweet! *imagine yn's hearts flying around the room and undergoing binary fission that moment*
Then when we were waiting outside the room for the doctor to chat to the patient.. i saw an old guy sitting with head downcast, very silent and still.. near the doorway in the courtyard..... As soon as the thought 'the embodiment of life wasting away' cross my head.... i suddenly remembered Sherlock Holmes and Saitou Hajime....
What happened to them in their old days?
Sherlock retired to Sussex and became a beekeeper...... but at the end of his days.... was he so silent.. immobile and so vulnerably in need of care? And being an incurable Sherlockian romantic as i am.. the old guy may well be Sherlock..... retiring to a place no one knows.... doing nothing yet knowing that he has done so much...
And Saitou Hajime (he is a real historical figure) the fiece and capable Shinsengumi captain who lived by his motto Aku Zoku Zan(Evil Just Kill)...... in face of all failures... shame.. danger... loss..... betrayal.... and never gave up his belief.... what happend to him in his old age?
He became a cleaner, together with his wife.... at an early 20th century female university in Tokyo....
But if he still has his memories..... Saitou is still Saitou.... Shinsengumi 3rd division captain...
and i was a bit touched at the thought of that....

Doing devotional 2day and digged out a book I haven't read for a long time... 1st chapter, reali inspired, about Amy Carmichael and once after an injury the ambulance drove her almost fell into a ravine:
If [the ambulance] had gone over, would we say prayer was unanswered? It is a petty view of our Father's love and wisdom which demands or expects an answer according to our demand, apart from his wisdom.
We see hardly one inch of the narrow lane of time. To our God eternity lies open as a meadow. It must seem strange to the heavenly family who have seen the beautiful end of the Lord, that we should ever question what love allows to be, or ever call a prayer unanswered when the answer isn't what we expected. Isn't no answer an answer? And when a 'fatal' accident occurs, I feel like adding, 'isn't heaven an answer?'
still remember myself as a baby Christian, read this, got shocked.... and decide to put it aside and not read it cos its a bit too "powerful", but now... i know its so true.....
and as a finale of blogging during the Easter break...here is the lyrics of a song i reali liked, the singer isn't gd, the music is rip-off from jay..... but i love the lyrics....
逍遙嘆
歲月難得沉默秋風厭倦漂泊
夕陽賴著不走挂在牆頭舍不得我
昔日伊人耳邊話已和潮聲向東流
再回首往事也隨楓葉一片片落

愛已走到盡頭恨也放棄承諾
命運自認幽默想法太多由不得我
壯志凌云几分愁知己難逢几人留
再回首卻聞笑傳醉夢中

笑談詞窮古痴今狂終成空
刀鈍刃乏恩斷義絕夢方破
路荒遺灘飽覽足跡沒人懂
多年望眼欲穿過紅塵滾滾我沒看透

詞嘲墨盡千情万怨英杰愁
曲終人散發花鬢白紅顏社賵搘敵捻O日爭輝徒消瘦
當淚干血隱狂涌白雪紛飛都成空
an ancient sentimentality.......LOL

water running through ur fingers...

when i was washing my hands 2day was just struck by a good feeling as water run through my fingers.... a bit of a gentle, protective feeling, and also a bit reminding me of the passage of time... prehaps because of reading my dad's book: The Last Aristocrats.. abt the fate of famous scholars in China during the cultural revolution period... reali well written, though very melancholic... but also abt resilience with grace.. not like most of the memoirs in the market: self-promoting and swearing and complaining and self-pitying: i have suffered so much! i am still in pain!!!
so yep, just some very simple joys of life. ^0^

still functioning

really enjoyed sally's blog, and her comment on contentment...
yep, still in the process of learning the secret Paul talked about.
starting from mid-March been trying to deal with a very very difficult issue... not a significant or serious one.. but one that is very very difficult to get rid off... because it is so recurrent... and despite knowing that God has taken away at least 95% of my burden... it is still so recurrent.. until the day the hole is filled naturally... not by concrete... but slowly with His soil...
it is something on a sub-level... not at all involved in my daily life.... however.... slowly at certain times, it does affect how i deal with things... my attitude towards other ppl... towards things happened.. so subtly....
yet i know its me who was not 'rite' during those times..
knowing me i am the type of person who dun like to talk about my struggles until the time i fully overcome them... and then would talk about it... thinking yep... i did overcome it.. its all good.
But even now it still is good, isn't it? struggle in itself is a blessing too.
so yep, just depending on God, in happiness and in trials.. ^0^
Agape,

More on RUBBISH

Doing more reflection these days...... And remembered Mark 2:17
On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
now aren't we all rubbish left on our own.... without hope???
And Jesus picked the rubbish up..... and saved us with His blood...
Awesome rubbish picker!

Awesome Encourager

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power and love
Our God is an awesome God
i reali dun even know how to start this blog... But God is reali so real and so amazing...
saturday b4 i leave for uth grp.... saw my parents watching a vcd of a famous old Buddhist monk preaching..... then i heard he said sth 'Christian' so sat down and watched a while...
wat i am abt to relate is 100% true....
the monk was saying that once some buddhists got converted to Christianity.... and he went to attend their baptism.... he said at the end of the service he went up to the pastor... and said: oh yeh i thank u so much that u made those ppl Christians... he said the pastor thought he was sarcastic but he was genuinely happy for them...
he goes on saying: we Buddhism went on for abt 3 thousand yrs... u guys went on for 1998 yrs(it was 1998 at the time) and we have lots of bad ones within us, and i guess u hav lots of bad ones too... the reason why these ppl convert to ur religion is that because they start off being the rubbish from us.... so i just want to thank u for cleaning away our rubbish for us......
And like soap opera..... u can hear laughter so constantly in the audience throught his preaching.... especially when he mentioned 'rubbish'.....
my dad was watching it... at the time i couldn't even describe wat i think.... cos he always accuse us Chrstians being so narrow-minded and couldn't accept other religions......and i know if i lose my cool, try to argue and convince him thats not the true, it will turn him further away from God.... he wil just say u Christians can't even take a joke....then how can u take ur left cheek when ppl hit ur rite cheek.....
i was so shaken but i pretended i was ok.....just finishin doin my stuff and going bk to my room... and i was so careful to control my emotion even when inside my room cos he will be driving me later for uth grp....and i want to still talk to him 'normally' and not lose control....
but wat i truly feel: i see the monk in tv......i just want to go up and smash the tv.. he is realy satan..... now matter how mild and gd deed doing he is.... i can just c satan speaking... and my parents r watching that....inside the house.. of Satan insulting God...... when i knelt down for a prayer i just felt so powerless...
it reali was a bit of disillusionment too.... cos i was born in a quite hardcore buddhist culture.. and even when i became Christian, i always respected Buddhism and Buddhists.... but it just is reali sickening when the monk in previous 'sermons' always emphasize: all religion in the world r the same... if u believe in Christianity........it is the same as believing buddha..... and here he is.... so bluntly insulting Christianity... no more mr nice guy huh?
To be honest I was reali reali reali shaken...
A good thing i was stil calm on the car, and when i got to uth grp.. it was a gospel nite, but for several reasons it was not so well organised as expected....... and 3 new ppl come..... only one i think is a non-Christian...
i was apathetic: thats just the way things r....
Knowing wat.... He really used the gospel nite to touch me and and give my heart a big big hug!
the P&W atmosphere was very passionate.... and one of the songs (the one i put at the start of the post) as i sang it i just felt my heart reali opened... and redirected to focus on Him, not on the world and its imperfection... the repetition really came as such a good worship to Him. The last song 'Big' also had the beautiful repetition: There is nothing my God cannot do... Very comforted...
Was more encouraged when we watched the video by Tom Pinpania(did i spell his name rite?hehe) a ex-Mafia who became a priest..... (now before the blog get too long i better keep thing brief) His testimony and experiences were reali inspiring.....should watch the video if u guys haven't seen it....
then rita and adam gave testimonies... so great.... to see them still in high school, yet have such a passion for God. Adam is almost a professional preacher by now..... so powerful when he speaks... abt his experience at Jumpstart, and how he made his decision to commit himself for full time mission and is preparing himself ever since.... and one thing he said i share here:
when we punch ppl, or be nasty to them, we usually feel bad... we know it will be painful for the other person...and more often then not we try to say sory, to make up by being nice or giving gifts.. but how many times we kick, punch and slap God by sinning.... He hurts he really hurts... and how can we pretend we don't know it???
Then ppl sang Here I am by Planet shakers, again..... the two lines: i will not be moved, i will stand for you.... pretty much brought tears to my eyes...
its just so hard to share my joy across the net and my poor english.... but God really comforted my and encouraged my so amazingly and miraculously 2nite....
Just made me realise: Gospel nites not only for non Christians..... perhaps we can benefit HUGE from them too!!!
And things dun need to be fancy... dun need to be so organised... even when we fall short..... when God works.......nothing can match!
i still rem myself last wk, sitting at franklin graham.... completely unexcited.... thinking: either something wrong with the event, or my spirituality reali has a problem.....
i dunno why.... but then everything just seems so unconvincing? the msg not convincing....ppl walking down not convincing.... worship music not convincing.... spirtual lethargy?
Well God touched my heart, not only touching, but a big hug....
realised..... so easy to lose focus on Him.... while reali.... the world doesn't matter, Satan is defeated already,and reali only why do i need to focus my eyes on anything else but Him? Jesus born all the world's sin and evil... but all these die.......while He will rise! God is true, God is real, God is the Way... then who can argue against that? and God reigns! so who can insult Him...
I am so grateful for this whole experience......how much He blessed me, encouraged me and strengthened me through this, and also how much He blessed me...... in everyday in everything...

Big
My God is big
So strong so mighty
My God's plan for me
Goes beyond my wildest dreams
My God is good
He's so good to me
My God is big
So strong so mighty
My God is good
He's so good to me

He's my God and
He is my refuge
He's the rock on which I stand
He's my fortress
God, He is my life
He holds the oceans in His hand
My God is Big
So Strong so mighty
My God is good
He's so good to me
There's nothing my God cannot do

music

Today went online to search for a music... one day i was shopping at Dusk, and heard this music, sounded so beautiful......
But the reason why i think its so beautiful......is not only the music itself, but that i heard it before....(at the time i thought i heard it in a Chinese TV series.....) Was quite surprised cos its a reali 'Chinese' story,and they used Western music as a theme music??? But yeh, the music was so beautiful that i thought it actually was a great combination....... so i stayed in the shop until the music stopped... bringing back from memory all the scene in the tv series....
i have been longing for the music since feb... 2day thought i had some time so decided to go online to look for it..... after 2 hrs of surfing........found the theme music for the tv series...
BUT when i listened..... it actually wasn't the music I heard in Dusk.... *sob* my memory must hav been quite faulty....
And the thing is... if the music isn't actually from the series, if the music is without the context of the story, but just some relaxation music... would i have thought it was so beautiful in the 1st place?
That just reminds me of life.... many times we want things..... or relationship... longing so desperately for it... but when we got it.... we realise it is nothing like wat we have imagined... or watever we got after a long wait, is nothing like wat it starts off.....
then won't life be sweeter and more pleasant, if we just surrender all to the Lord, not say we want this or that, but see everything as a gift always?
Lord bless us with a willingness to surrender.... ^^

Friendship

Was revising Onmyoji these few days... and read a very sweet article inspired by Abe no Seimei:
五六七歲的小朋友做起事情來...其實是很有原則的...聽友人談起小朋友的事...總是趣味不斷...
他們每天都會吃點心...有一天...點心是炒麵和水餃...為了不要分太多碗盤裝...(要洗很多碗!)友人就將炒麵和水餃裝在一個碗裡...小朋友看見了...很不開心...直說:「這樣都混在一起了...我不要~」友人說:「吃進肚子還不是也都混在一起!?」小朋友就開始鬧:「我不要啦~我不要啦~」友人還是很堅持...反正都一樣...小朋友更堅持...一直鬧到大哭起來...(最後應該也吃了吧!?)
但是第二天...小朋友還是很高興地迎接點心時間...這時看見他這麼開心的友人忍不住要逗他...便說:「喲~不知道誰呀...昨天還哭了呢!!」小朋友馬上嘟起嘴:「沒有,我才沒有哭!!」
呵呵呵...聽到這裡...是不是跟我想到一樣的畫面!?晴明也一樣嘟起嘴跟博雅說:「不,我沒有哭...」「いや、泣いた」博雅自信滿滿地說...「泣いておらん」死不承認的晴明...
這二人...真是像二個天真無邪的小鬼...一起吃飯,玩樂,冒險,盪秋千...一起上廁所...互相打鬧,打氣...又互相取笑,漏氣...
小朋友時的友情能有多深??其實那時候最純真的感情及心情是最深的...因為心裡最重要的除了自己就是好朋友...只是後來隨著長大...我們的心裡愈裝愈多自以為重要的事...於是...放著友情的位置也愈來愈小...就算自己心裡把友情擺第一位...但對方心裡卻不這麼認為時...雙方給予彼此的回應是不相等的...所以才會愈來愈孤獨...只是小朋友的友情雖純真但卻易碎...和晴明博雅之間不同的是...二人不只是稚子般的純真友情...同時還擁有強烈的信任及成人的理性...他們給予彼此的友情回應是相等強烈的...所以就算晴明是妖物博雅也是他的好朋友...就算晴明要賭上性命博雅也願相隨...不管博雅有任何難題晴明都願為他解決...只有在博雅面前晴明才會露出真實的自己...
你說我們能不能有如同晴明博雅般的友情??雖然一直響往但後來的我覺得很難了...在年少輕狂那段友情至上的那個時候...朋友說:走~去打球!去喝茶!去逛街!去哪去哪~~馬上便回說:好~走!...ok~走吧!...愈是長大後...
這樣的情景己不知消失到哪去了...約朋友說:走~去打球!去喝茶!去逛街!去哪去哪~~收到的回答總是:現在?...我有事耶~...要先約時間哦~因此長大之後...變成大人的我們...當友人能坐在我旁邊無心機地聊家常事...而我也還能無所求地坐在這裡聽他說著...一同笑著...其實此刻己經是最大的幸福了...
i reali agree with the last paragraph.... sometimes the greatest gift we can give to friends, is to waste time with them...

cooking and reading

cooked my own lunch on friday because i cbs study for pbl... decided to be a bit innovative, and cook a vegetarian combination: with carrot... tomato.... tofu skin... and seaweed.. chucked in a variety of sauces... (including wasabi)... and some other stuff i can't remember..... had a taste of it myself, very sickening....
However, since i cooked not only for myself but my mum as well...... i realised prob not a good thing for her to eat this.... so sat there eating the bowl of weird concoction... until my stomach can no longer take it........ now lost my appetite prob for the wkend for good....
had an internetless wk...... took advantage of it and went into hiberation..... *hehehe* a nice break from socialising online, so just completely slacked off in my own little world. Read heaps of chinese novels.... and watching late nite sbs movies... (everyone start to give yn weird looks........ ) Indeed, quite true... watched a Korean one where ppl were bound to a table..... anestheticised... then got chopped up..... with a close up of a bucket beneath the table with blood dripping into it.... already half a bucket full......(now everyone just runs away)
book reading: on monday sally lent me a book with jap crime stories... finished it within 2 hrs. hehe... some disturbing stories too....
on wednesday borrowed 4 books from the library. finished them in one nite... (now u know the amt of study i do normally....) one of them is called Loveholic........ sounds like sweet romantic novel.... yet again, knowing my taste it is about a disturbed women who harasses her ex-husband, kidnaps her current lover's daughter and starves her..... except the other day sally and kolin saw the title of the book and decide to tease me for reading romantic novels.... *sigh* no comment..... ^0^

bday party

lol...blogging again....low self-discipline all over... ^0^ but yeh, just back from Carrie's 21st party... very sentimental... and i was just really touched that at the end of the speech she said: There is still one more I would like to thank. It is God. I think He is so real and so amazing.. (not her exact words.. but the meaning is there....^0^)And that just made me remember that its reali her unfailing enthusiasm about her faith that directed me more and more towards the Lord during the time i spent at PLC.
And yep... gave the crystal to her.. which is a......FROG. In high school we used to have lots of grp jokes about frogs... but now as a Christian the FROG has another meaning for us: Forever Rely On God. ^0^
she actually got me some sourvenirs from her last holiday trip... a Slamdunk vcd from hk, and also a key ring from Langkawi. Now i will hang the keyring on my pencilcase so i can impress all my malaysian friends.... LOL
And yep.. God is so real and so amazing.
Agape,

My little world

ended up working again 2day.. till 2... hahahah.... cos one of the gals who's meant to come in didn't turn up. so i sub in... *sob*
but yeh.. got my pay.... got wat i was planning to get from Swarovski... it is just.....STUNNING.
wasted time at home... eating Shanghainese xiao long bao.... and watching the news then bits of american idol... had a d&m with my dad about how disturbing it is that william hung became popular...
one of those funny days thats a bit out of routine...lol
was revising antibiotics... b4 i decided to come online again... sally and yi wei's blogs were majorly updated... read and enjoyed..^0^ then went like.. awww...... i want to write a post too on my blog.... *stuff antibiotics for now*
I am... a little bit overwhelmed by what God brought my attention to these few days.
monday nite my mum talked about my auntie(my mum's cousin actually)... who passed away when i was in year 12... for 7 months my mum didn't tell me the news... only when i finished exam she told me... and said: i didn't want to upset u when u had exams..
my mum was just remembering auntie's life and early days... had a bad childhood... parents divorced, and mother basically didn't want her...never had uni education, being a nurse she got a bf at 19... who was 21, the top medical student in his year... then the cultural revolution came... he was sent interstate to do medical services at some factory...where a fight between different political grps broke out... and not accustomed to the violence and bloody scene.. he went insane...
when he came back... his family was afraid that my auntie will leave him... so they really persuaded her to marry him... and she did.
although he was almost fully recovered to normal function he was a broken man, never again the talented medico my auntie anticipated him to be...
And she got dissatisfied at the match... complained, and sweared at him... very constantly.. a few years later they divorced... and at the time her husband had a very bad case of stomach ulcer and was on the verge of dying... all these didn't move her.. She left with the son.
She was bitter for all her life, ever since... hardly ever satisfied at anything... bitter about work, bitter about her house (which is pretty terrible and shabby i must say), bitter about her son's study, career... and bitter about certain family members...
then she was diagnosed with breast cancer... went through 2-3 yrs of tough treatment... then the malignant cells spread...
even when she was dying... my grandma went to see her... and she was like: I am never happy in my life... 我心裡真恨啊!
everytime i recall her story.. sadness just overwhelms me... her life is hard... lots of thing didn't go according to plan... lots of disappointments, frustrations...
just made me think... if i am in her position... wil i be bitter and frustrated like her? once u hav a bad attitude about one thing.. then things reali just become a downward spiral and nothing will feel rite... not to mention that some of the things happened were indeed anger provoking...
my life.. is good.. so blessed... i really can't think of anything that is seriously not going according to a way that i like... even like this... sometimes i feel frustrated, sometimes i get annoyed and angry... while most of the time... i just live in my own little world of goodness... so carefully making most things rite and good so there is no risk of frustration.
i am scared at the possibility of a life like my auntie's... despite i have God's asssurance... do i think my life is good, because of Him and Him alone? or just because i have my little world of goodness.. surrounded by so many good things?
2day was reading the herald sun on the tram.. despite its tabloidal nature....lol
Got very very shaken by the north blackburn shooting.. cos that is a shopping centre i frequent, and one of my close friends just lives 2 blocks away from there...
never actually had such an acutely feeling about the immense sense of security i have about my own little world... almost seems that the shooting is in a completely diff world... so violent and sinister... i had never expected it to happen in melbourne...
very mixed feeling about this incident... not even sure how to express them...
i know God is speaking to me through all these... i will hav to quieten down my heart to listen to Him.
i will finish by a paragraph of Eileen Chang:
時代的車轟轟地往前開。我們坐在車上，經過的也許不過是幾條熟悉的街衢，可是在漫天的火光中也自驚心動魄。就可惜我們只顧忙著在一瞥即逝的店鋪的櫥窗?找尋我們自己的影子——我們只看見自己的臉，蒼白，渺小：我們的自私與空虛，我們恬不知恥的愚蠢—— 誰都像我們一樣，然而我們每人都是孤獨的。

things resolved.. plus Curtis and Emily

late at nite.... but still decided to post 2day... Thanx so much dave for all the encouraging words.^^ And thank u all for ur prayers! *yn bows*
went to work 2day... ppl just got so crazy and all decided to have chick and beef pieces swimming in oil for lunch.... anyway... but then...
my manager asked me: say if i found someone able to work.. do u still want to work Wednesdays... and i, still trying to be polite, said,'preferrably not...'
And she said ok, and didn't put my on any shifts!!!! ^0^ so basically i got off work... i am so happy....
Leaving me more time to focus on study, on church commitments.... and also be able to reali think about joining a bible study grp. ^0^ Praise the Lord!
Had youth grp 2nite and also had bible study, and XiaoZhen was our grp leader! ^0^ I still remember the 1st time i went to church... and she talked to me... with a big smile that was so beautiful and infectious... Not exaggerating, my heart was truly warmed at the time... definitely something that helped me to make my decision...now that i look back.
On an interesting side note.... i love the shop Suga... since it was just rite across where i work in southland...... i always go there after work... looking for cheap, badly shaped lollies thats on sale on the trolley.... 2day found a big chunky bag for 1.80... heheheh... when i looked at it clearly beyond its food qualities.. i realised... that a guy called curtis ordered them to be made for a girl called emily.. for it inscribes in the centre of all the lollies: curtis loves emily.
not to comment on the quality of a love declaration like that.. but
reali got me thinking....... actually a very nice thing the curtis guy has done... not only is emily benefiting..... the shop made a profit... at least 3-4 more consumers managed to get cheap Suga lollies... Then also thinking: should we feel guilty.... cos curtis prob just intended this love for emily?
having said that... i am just sitting in front of comp... enjoying the lollies without any sense of remorse... *evil grin*
on a more expensive note... (sori i am always so cheap.... *sob*) went to Swarovski.. something caught my eye.. and that instant i knew: THATS IT! Not only does it look nice... it actually has special meanings... and fits so well with the occasion.
LOL..... some of u know wat i am talking about la... ^^

spiritual lethargy

i hate to be firm and decisive with ppl... the most recent incident went through is quiting work..... went through so many inner struggles before i told my manager that i want to quit after this wk.. was so happen abt it afterward... in fact not so much about job quitting but abt how i actually said it and everything was fine...
until yesterday... when my manager was like. surely 1nce a wk won't be too much yeh? quit when u reali can't handle it ok? and knowing me i just smiled and be polite and said yeah sure.........which means more decisive work need to be done in the future.. and i absolutely hate it........
am i doing too much? or i am just being lazy and try to be easy on myself when God reali want me to be trained up in multitasking in life?
Which is also related to wat happened today.....
Went to CU public meetings 1st time this semester.... prob my last semester to be able to go... ppl were signing up for bible study small grps... when sally asked me 'wat grp r u signing up? i am going to the thursday one. ' for some very strange reason i am just completely unenthusiastic about small grp...... not thursday. not tuesdays either... and it came pretty much as a shock to me that i actually thought that... and so firmly as if its just another commitment of annoyance hard to shake off......
is it because i am doing too much? or because i just want to be lazy? And most of all..... is it a warning to me that i am becoming spirtually lethargic?
i can say this semester i am pretty stressed.... but still quite happy up to now...... most of my stresses came from not having enuf tym for studying..... but when i actually hav a whole day free to do work..... i end up wasting time..... like usual....
just scared that this semester is becoming like the rest of them.... very satisfying in all other aspects.. yet always looking back and thinking having put in enuf effort at actual med stuff... half effort, half understanding.. half everything......
must pray.

some thoughts...

Not exactly in the brightest mood 2day... had a reali boring tute.. talked about useless stuff but then still attempted to talk so tutor won't mark me down... and attempt not so successful either.. felt so fake... got grumpy on train b/c it was late... and i didn't get a seat b/c there r so many ppl... looked at myself in reflection when train went past parliament tunnel... didn't reali want to look at myself b/c of my silly thoughts...
Got home and when i was reading the Bible.. the verse that spoke to me despite my reluctance 2day was Mark 10:45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
My self-pitying 2day reali has no ground.. and great thing the Lord called me to service again. ^0^
Listened to Kenshin TV OST... after so many years the music still didn't lose its appeal to me.. 1st song listened happened to be a L'arc en ciel one.. reali enjoyed it... i guess when i was in a happy mood... Chemistry's smoothness always made it my 1st choice... but there r times.... when i just purely enjoy the insacchrine melancholic voices of L'arc en ciel...
my telecommunication got very weird 2day... 1st received a call on my mobile.... was busy didn't pick up... but when i called back less than a minute later... the fone no. returns 'call could not be connected.. plz check ur no and try again'... then around 6 20ish received an sms.. from my friend lu... but the sms was blank.. when i called her up later she was like no i didn't send u anything...
being so morbid minded as i always am... i reali suspect something sinister..... hehehe......
was reading history again these days... digging through my old book collections.... one of the stories reali touches me..

金自被圍以來，將帥戰沒甚眾，戊申，以近侍分守四城。蒙古兵鑿西城為五門以入，督軍鏖戰，及暮及退，聲言來日複集。是夕，金主集百官，傳位於東面元帥承麟。承麟，世祖之後拜甡之弟也，拜泣不敢受。金主曰：“朕所以付卿者，豈得已哉！以朕肌體肥重，不便鞍馬馳突。卿平日趫捷有將略，萬一得免，祚嗣不絕，此朕志也。”承麟乃起受璽。己酉，即位。
　　時孟珙之師向南門，至金字樓，列雲梯，令諸將聞鼓則進。馬義先登，趙榮繼之，萬眾競入，大戰城上。烏庫哩鎬及其將帥二百人皆降。時百官稱賀，禮畢，亟出捍敵，而南城已立宋幟。俄頃，四面鼓噪夾攻，聲震天地。南面守者棄門走。孟珙招江海、塔齊爾之師以入，完顏仲德帥精兵一千巷戰，不能禦。金主自經于幽蘭軒。仲德聞之，謂將士曰：“吾君已崩，何以戰為！吾不能死於亂兵之手，吾赴汝水從吾君矣，諸君其善為計！”言訖，赴水死。將士皆曰：“相公殉國，吾輩獨不能耶？”於是參政富珠哩小洛索、烏淩阿呼圖、總帥元志、元帥裕珊爾、赫舍哩柏壽、烏庫哩和勒端及軍士五百餘人皆從死焉。
　　承麟退保子城，聞金全殂，率群臣入哭，因謂眾曰：“先帝在位十年，勤儉寬仁，圖復舊業，有志未就，可哀也已！宜諡曰哀。”奠未畢，城破，諸將禁兵共舉火焚之，奉禦完顏絳山收其骨，將瘞之汝水上。江海入宮，執參政張天綱以歸，孟珙問金主所在，天綱以實告曰：“城危時，即取寶玉置小室，環以草，號泣自經，曰：‘死便火我。’”煙焰未絕，珙乃與塔齊爾分金主骨及寶玉、法物。承麟亦為亂兵所殺。金亡。

那種壯烈﹐真的很感動。